The Secret to Deep, Peaceful Relationships Is Quiet but Powerful Trust

PHIL: Trust is an essential part of good relationships. The first thing I want to say about trusting someone is that it is not what they say, it is what they do. What they say about themselves or how they promise to be is not a basis for trust; instead, it is how they actually act in the world, and it takes time to learn how they behave under various circumstances. Trust is something that builds up slowly over time.

The other side is how you show yourself to be trustworthy, and that is by being open and honest. The two operate together. Honesty is paramount; if the other person cannot be sure what you say is actually the case, how can they ever fully trust you? So you demonstrate that by being open, by sharing your feelings and responses. That’s not something we do fully as a matter of course; we use social graces to fit in. But as we come to trust another person, we can drop our persona and reveal more, so we become more trustworthy to the other person.

To be honest, you have to know who you are. This needs introspection; how can you express your feelings if you don’t know what they are? I think this is difficult; my emotions are a constant flux of physical responses, and it is hard to catch them and find words for them. It is made more complicated by the way that we have been brought up over the years to modify and moderate our feelings; to be polite, or to lash out when criticized, or a thousand other ways we have adapted to live with other people. Coming to know myself is a process of distinguishing my responses from the entire social slot in which I fit. I can only speak personally here; your responses to feelings and social pressures may be quite different.

Over time, you get to see how the other person conducts themselves and learn about what motivates them. When those are positive, you can share more and more of yourself, and this increase works from both sides, so there is a feedback loop of increasing trust.

And at some point, you come to know the other person so well that you have total trust in them. This doesn’t mean they’re perfect; they might be poor at arithmetic or not good at folding paper or have difficulty expressing anger, but the point is that you know them; you know how they are, and you accept them, flaws and all. You come to recognize that their values are the same as yours, and when that is the case, there can be no cause for conflict.

MAUDE: One of the foundational characteristics of a loving relationship, one that promotes peace, is trusting each other. Sadly, trust has become a struggle in today’s world, against the background of falsehood, lies, cheating, scams, fake news and peoples’ inhumanity toward one another.

A lot depends on what you choose to look at when evaluating how to be trusting. I see, and do not ignore, the climate of deception and lack of trustworthiness that is expressing itself today so blatantly. But I also see the love and deep commitment to goodness, truth, and beauty that exist for so many people around the world. My view is that most people are inherently good.

Trusting requires us to be vulnerable and to be willing to open ourselves to the possibility of betrayal. We must choose what to believe in and be active in placing our intention to trust. We do this despite any messages to the contrary from the world.

Without this kind of trust, it is impossible to create deep relationships or to be at ease in those relationships. We will not find peace as an experience in our lives without it.

I handle whether to trust others or not similarly to everything else, in that I turn inward to make those decisions. The more I trust myself, the more I trust others. It becomes clear whether I am correct and should listen to my instincts, my inner voice, and what I feel, as well as what my body tells me.

With this inner trust of myself, I have a better idea of when I should tread carefully, or go more slowly in establishing trust within a relationship. This also develops from getting to know the other person. It comes from seeing whether the person’s words and actions match; whether the person’s espoused values are being expressed in their actions.

Look for a place within yourself that is your own true voice. If you come from that sense of rightness and fairness, you will be all the more able to recognize it in others, and to be recognized for it. That will be your point of reference, your trust meter, if you will.

When this is present between people, it brings forth honesty and openness. It calls forth the kind of exchanges that make you feel safe and have faith in others. Between Phil and me, between me and the kindred spirits of my life, this form of trust is absolute. It is unshakable and is a great balancing factor in my life.

Reading Corner

How Honesty Leads to Trust in Your Relationships “At the same time, we’re individuals with our own ideas of how things should be, yet to live together, we need to moderate ourselves to fit in with other people. We have to hide a part of ourselves; we are not fully seen. Close relationships are the forum where we can change this and show ourselves completely. How does that transition occur? It starts with taking a small risk by being honest and expressing something that might be ridiculed or laughed at, used to shame you, or used against you. When your listener does not take advantage of this, but instead hears and sees you, it increases your trust in how open you can be with them, and you can progressively share more of yourself. Trust is measured in actions more than words, and your intuition knows better than your head. Be sure to check that this is a true intuition rather than your inner fears from past experiences.”

How Trust and Peace go Hand in Hand in Your Relationships “We’ve been talking about trust as one of the most basic aspects of a peaceful relationship: what it feels like, how you get there, what behavior engenders it. I wanted to write about my personal experience, so to do that, I looked at 6 close relationships where I feel deep trust in the people and in the relationship, and I know that it is mutual. These were with Phil, 3 women friends, and my two sons. It’s easy to feel trusting with Phil because he shares who he is openly and without defenses. Over time, I have learned from his actions as well as his words that he wishes me well and cares deeply, seeks fairness, and is a compassionate person. He relates from love, not fear. And that is the same for each of these 6 relationships, and all the others I have that bear the fruits of peace and fulfillment.In looking at all of these relationships, I see much the same qualities, all expressed differently by each of the unique personalities. The experience of this trust has built over time. It takes time to slowly open to another and let go of your defenses, bit by bit. All of these are also without certain responses, like suspicion, withholding, distance, or deception. We accept each other for who we are.”

Why Trust is so Important in All Your Relationships “Trust in another person comes from what they do, not what they say. “Trust me, I’ll pay you back” is worth a lot less than a Venmo payment. It takes time and the observation of actions as well as words to ascertain how much you can trust another person. How do they behave in difficult situations like a toothache, a car crash, a delayed flight? Trust builds as you learn more and more how they act and react in the world. The more you know someone and you learn their core values, the more you can develop the knowledge that creates trust. We may all have a different list of what elicits trust in the other person. There are different aspects we translate into trustworthiness. Yet, whatever these are, we all recognize this feeling, when it is there and when it is not. Constancy is a big part of it. Are they always the same person, or does a completely different personality appear at times? For us, an important factor was experiencing that each of us remained the same person every time we encountered each other. That may sound strange to point out, but we had both had the previous experience of being in a relationship where we never knew who we might be interacting with when coming together. The moods, and it seemed the person, were ever changing. This caused a state of insecurity and unease. In our relationship, there is a constancy of personality expression that brings with it a feeling of peace and calm.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.