5 Signs He Is on the Rape Continuum

I fear that the reason why rape cases mostly go unaddressed, unpunished, or prosecuted but fail, or a myriad of other reasons why perpetrators of sexual assault do not receive repercussions, is because almost every man exists on the rape continuum.

It is a horrid mixture of capitalist “get what you want at all expenses” and “you are either a winner or loser” attitude and patriarchal attitudes of “you are only a real man if you dominate women” and “women aren’t human beings anyway”. A girl is not a person or human being, but a goal to accomplish. And giving up on goals means that you are a loser.

The stranger who persists in continually talking to you in public even when you have clearly shown discomfort is on the rape continuum. He didn’t do anything illegal, but he shares the same mentality of considering his own sexual needs more important than your feelings of discomfort.

The guy who gets angry at you for turning him down romantically, who throws a pity party at being “continually friendzoned”, is on the rape continuum, as he feels entitled to women’s bodies and feels slighted when he is “denied” sex, as if sex is a resource that is rightfully his regardless of how women feel.

The guy who is twice your age and hits on you sexually is on the rape continuum, even if he claims that it is alright since you are no longer a minor. He wants to have sex with a girl who is much more naive and powerless than him because he wants to feel powerful.

Growing up chronically online, like many other underage girls, I experienced grooming from twice-divorced men on online forums and video games. I have also experienced physical rape, and ever since then I cannot unsee the fact that all the guys that triggered me talk the same way. They talk just like how my rapist does, even if they don’t consider themselves rapists.

At first, I couldn’t point to why certain men made me recoil to the point of full-body goosebumps at the sight of their text messages.

But now I can see it.

What my rapist, middle-aged guys hitting on me in public, younger incels harassing me on social media, and even angry men in my Medium comment sections all have in common. They have a particular “accent” or manner of speech, just like how you can easily identify ChatGPT’s writing based on AI giveaways, since AI “speaks” in a certain way; men on the rape continuum speak a certain way too.

If I were to overthink it till the end of time, I am sure I could write a book about it. But for now, I will boil it down to five telltale signs he is on the rape continuum:

Firstly, they talk to you like you are dumb.

They explain things with the assumption that you are ignorant, because they are already approaching the conversation with an assumed power imbalance, where they are the giver of knowledge — wanting to establish a “teacher” and “student” relationship — and you are an empty vessel to be, using a crude but apt metaphor, impregnated by their superior knowledge.

For example, this middle-aged guy hitting on me in public saw me drawing fashion sketches and asked if I was a fashion design student. I said yes (not realising at that time that he was hitting on me until he insisted on my number, which I never gave). And then he immediately remarked: “Oh, but you don’t know how to make clothes, right? You can only draw.”

Second, they pursue you in inappropriate situations where they hold power.

I was walking down the street at night, alone, when a big older man followed me, and I walked faster, but then he walked faster and caught up to my side. He said, “Hey, pretty, where are you from?” I replied, “No English, no English,” and hurried on. Then, he raised his voice and said: “I’m just saying you’re pretty! Where. Are. You. From?!”

This was scary for me as I was alone and I felt physically threatened, until I ended up running straight to my apartment and not looking back.

Other inappropriate situations include a clear power imbalance, like if he is much older than you or is your superior at work.

Thirdly, when he won’t take no for an answer.

I turned a guy down because I told him he was too old for me, and he replied that we could work it out because he wasn’t that old, according to him, and that I was mature for my age. I replied again that, because of the power imbalance, I am still uncomfortable, but he replied that there is no power imbalance. The point being, I had to turn him down numerous times, but he wouldn’t let up until I blocked him.

Fourth, the lack of empathy.

When you tell a man you feel hurt over something he did, and instead of apologising he gets angry and defensive, saying you are overreacting, that means he doesn’t care or can’t consider how you feel at all. Indeed, just because he thinks he is being respectful doesn’t mean he actually is.

I told an older guy pursuing me that our age gap made me feel triggered, and he got angry and told me that I wasn’t a minor anymore and that our age gap isn’t that big, even though I think it is. It doesn’t really matter because I feel deeply uncomfortable anyway.

Regardless of whether he is “wrong” or not, if he did something that hurt you and you tell him that it hurt you, someone who genuinely cares about you will apologise and not do it again.

Lack of empathy also results in a man undermining your issues; for example, when I told a guy I got raped, he only responded with: “Damn, that sucks,” or even worse, another guy said: “Were you drunk though?”

Fifth, his friend group.

If he is friends with guys with rapey or misogynistic behaviours, and he remains close friends with them, it suggests that he lacks a moral backbone to stand up for the right thing.

If he is the type of guy who doesn’t want his girlfriend to be harassed but won’t protect other women from being harassed, that means he is only protecting his girlfriend out of a sense of ownership — no one else is allowed to mess with his “goods”, so to speak — instead of doing it because it is the right thing to do.

. . .

If he demonstrates any of these five behaviours, he is an instant block. There are no excuses for him — the risk to your safety is too high.

The Cornell 7 incident had seven rapists, but 50 other men in the group saw it happen but did nothing. I would argue that they are not just guilty for being bystanders, but if they were at the party, near the seven rapists, they would be peer-pressured or even happily partake in the rape, too.

Not having the opportunity to rape does not mean that a man is not a rapist at heart. If the only thing preventing a man from committing rape is the lack of opportunity, what is preventing him from getting the opportunity to do that in the future?

If we make the lives of young rapists hell, then maybe there wouldn’t be as many old rapists running around.