5 Love Language Mistakes That Create Distance in Relationships

Most people believe that if you love someone enough, they should be able to feel it.

You should be able to feel it.
They should see it.
They should experience it.

And honestly, this makes sense.

When you care about someone, you try to show it. You check on them. You make time for them. You may buy them gifts and do your best to just ensure they are happy.

But there is something else. And it is where things get complicated.

You can love someone deeply and still leave them feeling unloved.

Think about a man who’s always busy, he rarely makes time for his partner. Not because he doesn’t want to.

But in his mind, every extra hour at work is an expression of love. Because he thinks he is sacrificing his comfort to give his partner a better life.

But instead his partner sees a man who’s busy, who doesn’t care that much, rarely available, and too tired to have a meaningful conversation.

The man is showing love in the way he thinks is the best, but his partner understands it in a different way.

And without any of them knowing or paying attention, there’s an involuntary disconnection.

This is one of the reasons two people can genuinely love each other yet feel emotionally distant.

They may be together and still be emotionally apart.

Interestingly, the five love languages concept popularized by Gary Copeland offers one way to understand these differences.

They include words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

But the truth is, knowing your partner’s love language isn’t enough.

It’s possible to understand what makes someone feel loved and still make mistakes that push them away.

This thing can be that complicated, and that’s why many relationships are full of resentments.

And it’s also the reason many partners are now roommates.

Here are five ways love language mistakes accidentally create distance in relationships.

1. Assuming Your Partner Feels Loved Because You Do

Imagine this: because gifts make you feel special, you might easily assume your partner feels the same way.

If you value practical support, you may focus on solving your partner’s problems.

But what if all they really care about is spending more quality time with you?

This is the reason you need to stop guessing. And start asking.

Loving someone means learning what matters to them, not just offering what you have to offer or what you think matters.

Pay attention to what makes your partner feel loved, appreciated and valued, and don’t be afraid to ask. It’s okay to ask.

2. Treating Their Love Language Like a Rulebook

Knowing your partner values quality time doesn’t mean that’s all they need.

Sometimes they need you to be financially there for them. They need reassurance. They need affection. They also need practical support.

Our needs can change depending on what is actually going on in our life, or what we are going through.

The mistake is becoming too focused on just one thing, because you know it’s your partner’s love language.

You still have to pay attention to when their love language is A, but because of what’s currently happening in their life, what you think they currently need is B.

You don’t have to be rigid with love language. You have to be flexible and sensitive all the time.

Use love language as a guide and not a rule. communicating and learning about each other.

This is what makes love more interesting.

3. Using Affection to Avoid Difficult Conversations

Love language isn’t a channel through which everything flows in a relationship.

There are some things that need to be attacked head-on in a relationship. And love language may be the wrong channel to funnel it through.

Many partners are used to buying flowers after an argument.

Yes, this can feel thoughtful, but it doesn’t solve the problem. If the same argument keeps happening again.

Likewise, physical affection can’t repair damaged trust when neither person is willing to actually discuss what is actually going on.

Sometimes your partner doesn’t need another romantic gesture. What they need from you is simpler.

It may be a sincere admittance or apology, an honest and open conversation, evidence you are willing to change and things are going to be better.

The truth is love isn’t just about making someone feel good. It’s also about taking responsibility when you hurt someone.

Instead of pretending a problem or an issue doesn’t occur, it is important to address the issue itself and make sure it doesn’t reoccur again.

4. Keeping Score Instead of Showing Love

You provide gifts for your partner. So you expect gifts in return.

You make time for your partner, so you become resentful when they can’t make time for you.

Before long, affection becomes a transaction.

Of course, relationships require mutual effort, but that doesn’t mean partners must express love exactly the same way.

One person may show affection through words, the other through support, while others show theirs spending time with you.

You don’t have to measure your partner’s love only by how closely it resembles your own.

Look at the bigger picture: whether both of you are making genuine effort.

This means your partner may like giving you gifts, it doesn’t mean you have to give gifts to show you love and appreciate them, instead you make time.

Understanding this helps quench any chances of resentment in relationships.

5. Expecting Your Partner to Read Your Mind

Many relationships are full of resentments just because they are full of many uncommunicated needs.

You want your partner to show more affection, but you don’t want to be seen as “asking for too much”.

You just want them to read your mind. You just want them to notice and do the needful.

The truth is, someone can love you deeply and still misunderstand what you need.

Instead of just waiting for them to notice, why not communicate what you want clearly and openly.

Put it as simply as possible, you can simply just say… “I’ve missed spending time with you. Can we put our phones away tonight and enjoy some time together?”.

If you want it, you shouldn’t be scared to ask for it. If your partner truly loves and values you, you won’t be asking for too much.

If you’re in a relationship where you’re shrinking or editing your needs because your partner complains about you asking for too much, you may actually be asking the wrong person.

A caring partner should be willing to listen and make an effort.

Closing Thoughts

Sometimes love looks like buying a thought gifts. Other times it means putting your phone away, spending quality time and listening to your partner without interrupting.

What matters here is being willing to understand what your partner needs while making room for your own needs too.

Because love isn’t measured only by what you give. It’s also reflected in how you are willing to understand the recipient.

The truth is sometimes the distance between two people doesn’t begin when they stop loving each other.

It begins when they stop trying to understand each other and what makes them feel loved.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.