Watch How People Act When No One Says Thanks, and You’ll Learn Plenty

I blame this culture we have adopted that is obsessed with an ROI of even everyday kindness for this. I mean, we drop a favor supposedly “out of the goodness of our hearts,” but once it is met with silence, you will see how fast the mask slips.

Like, “we did all that heavy lifting for nothing?”

All that heavy lifting was, however, not for nothing just because nobody said “thanks.”

Unappreciated effort only feels like a loss if you treat kindness like a transaction. Every time you step up for someone, the strength of character you build stays with you regardless of their reaction (or lack of).

In any case, their silence might just be a reflection of their lack of awareness.

Now, I firmly believe watching how someone responds when nobody thanks them is one of the most reliable character diagnostic tests there is.

And you come up with three main categories:

1. The transactional giver: think of him as someone who didn’t actually give a gift; they make a deposit with an expectation of high-yield interest (applause). So when, after helping move apartments, the “thank you” doesn’t come, the transactional giver will feel cheated.

The sign you will most probably notice is a sudden chilling shift in their warmth. They tend to become hypervigilant about keeping score and will weaponize future compliance. So, the next time you ask for help, their face tightens and their “Sure” is said with just enough static to let you know they remember the last unreturned favor.

“The sign you will most probably notice is a sudden chilling shift in their warmth.”

2. The drama queen who wants everyone to know how hard they have it: for this individual, it is just more tragic material. In fact, they thrive on being undervalued because it is like being the unappreciated hero gives them an emotional high. They want you to notice that you didn’t notice.

The symptoms? Heavy sighs, a sudden drop in vocal pitch when speaking to you, ostentatious busyness, and fishing for the validation they will always claim they don’t need.

“They want you to notice that you didn’t notice.”

3. The one who helps out, asks for nothing, and moves on: these are becoming rarer. But once in a long while you meet the intrinsic actor who helps simply because it aligns with their values, not because of some need for appreciation.

So, even when no one says “thank you,” nothing changes.

No theatrics whatsoever.

You will know them from their complete lack of that complete 180 in how they treat you even when you don’t thank them. So, they will treat you the exact same way tomorrow, as they did before they bailed you out, and you forgot to thank them.

For them, inner peace is not outsourced, because their self-worth wasn’t tied to your applause in the first place, and unlike the transactional giver in category #1, an omission of gratitude doesn’t bankrupt them.

“They will treat you the exact same way tomorrow, as they did before they bailed you out, and you forgot to thank them.”

The moment of truth

I am guessing we have all played all three roles at different points in our lives. Depending, perhaps, on how exhausted or insecure we were at the time.

Of course, it is always easy to be generous when the ovation is loud. That is why the real test of our maturity isn’t how we act when the whole world is cheering, but what we do when we realize that no one is watching or no one is even going to say a “simple thank you.”

Do you find that people tend to surprise you more often with their quiet grace, or do their hidden scoreboards usually come tumbling out the moment things go unacknowledged?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.