Is What You Think Causing Your Relationship to Stink?

The simple concept that has a profound effect on your relationships.

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I sat parked in my driveway like I had many times before. Dreading the return home.

Car running. Hands tightly gripped. Radio off. I closed my eyes.

I finally worked up the nerve. I sighed. I walked up to the front door and entered like a teenager breaking curfew.

“Where were you?”

I hadn’t bothered calling to let her know I was going to be late again. I hadn’t sent a courtesy text. Frankly, I didn’t care.

Smugly I responded, “Working late.”

It didn’t really matter where I had been. The stage was already set. We had been arguing for months. There was nothing I could say to stop the ensuing blow out.

“You’re such a liar.”

“Well, you’re a nag.”

“Why do you always do this?

“Why do you?”

“You’re never going to change!”

“Me change? You’re the one that…”

A simple question had turned into a heated discussion. Each question sparked emotion. Fueled with criticism, each answer returned contempt.

Back and forth we went, “one-upping” each other until we reached the usual crescendo, an all-out screaming match. Each blow harder, louder, more cruel.

We spewed out as much harm as we could. And over what?

We resolved nothing. We had only made things worse.

She broke down in tears and ran to the room.

I stormed out of the house in rage and got back into the car.

That Funny Moment When

I opened my eyes. The car was still running. My hands grasped tighter now. My stomach turned. My heart beat fast. I breathed as if I had just run a race.

I realized I had just pre-played an argument. I had fully experienced (mentally, emotionally, physically) the event. I hadn’t even set foot in the house.

It was the weirdest thing.

It wasn’t until then that I grasped the meaning of metacognition.

What is Metacognition?

Have you ever envisioned an argument that has yet to take place?

Have you ever found yourself getting worked up emotionally over something you “know” is going to happen—but hasn’t happened yet?

That’s exactly what happened to me.

I had just been introduced to the term metacognition. I didn’t even know what it meant. But when I experienced it, I realized that I had received the answer to solving my relationship problems.

Metacognition means “thinking about what you think about.” It’s consciously taking note of the person inside the person.

Simply defined, metacognition means “thinking about what you think about.” It’s consciously taking note of the person inside the person.

But it’s more than that. It’s the ability to recognize the effects of your thoughts. And how they influence your physiology, emotions, and actions.

Whether you recognize it or not, your mind is always working. Whether conscious or not, you are always thinking. That thinking is part of the process which creates your reality.

My reality, my relationship, was filled with anger and argument. Coincidentally, so were my thoughts.

I had believed that my reality created my thoughts. When in actuality, it was the other way around.

My negative thoughts were triggers, usually followed by a sequence of pre-envisioned events. And so it went, time and time again—each thought, each story, became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Sound familiar?

How Thinking Can Help Repair Relationship Problems

Through the practice of metacognition, I had encountered the cause of my problems—my thoughts. I had also found the answer to repairing my relationship—conscious recognition.

Each time the onslaught of negative thoughts erupted, I consciously recognized them.

I recognized the negative mental foreshadowing. The physiological effects. The urge to react.

This allowed me to calm. To acknowledge the pattern. To redirect.

It allowed me create constructive conversation.

To repair my relationship.

Metacognition can help you, too.

How would you like to be able to repair your relationship? To stop the negative encounters and angry arguments?

Here’s how to start:

1. Get a notebook (you can also use the notes in your smartphone).

I personally like a pen and notebook. The process of writing has a way of dispelling negative energy.

2. Write down what’s on your mind (your thoughts) as many times as you can throughout the day.

It’s easy to remember. Just set alarms on your phone to remind you. Chances are, you won’t just recognize the patterns out of the blue. You have to make a conscious effort.

I found that the negative thought patterns were a result of habitual thoughts.

I found that the negative thought patterns were a result of habitual thoughts. While they intensified in negative situations, they were ever present. The key was to recognize, and replace them with happy thoughts.

3. Don’t judge, just recognize and write.

This process can be somewhat intrusive. When you start to take note of what’s going on, there’s a tendency to judge. Let the paper judge. For now, just write it down.

4. Recognize the patterns.

I found that there were only four or five recurring themes that were running in my mind. Coincidentally, those were the themes that were present in my relationship. Once I had recognized those patterns, I knew what I had to fix.

5. Stop them dead in their tracks.

After completing steps 1-4, you’ll be more aware of your thoughts. When situations arise you will be conscious of their presence.

When this happens, recognize the patterns presenting itself, acknowledge it. Stop it. Redirect it.

Then think of better ways to handle the situation. Think of better responses. Constructive responses. Respectful responses. And act on them.

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Don’t let the simplicity of this fool you. This is very powerful. I’ve helped many people overcome challenges in their relationships with this one simple concept.

The mind is a powerful thing. It’s important to know how to direct it appropriately.

Next time you find yourself heading towards a heated discussion with your significant other, use metacognition to guide you to constructive communication.
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Photo: Flickr/Allan Ajifo