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You must have heard of the popular saying “Fake it ’til you make it”. It means acting like something so you can, in fact, become that thing.
Yet there’s something unsettling about the “fake” part that raises some questions. Can faking something make it real? It’s like giving flowers to someone you dislike and thinking that will make you fall in love with her.
You might fool your boss with a power pose in the boardroom. Or even impress your client with a nice car (that may put you deeper in debt). But you can’t fool yourself, even if you succeed in faking out the world.
Building your self-image on the premise of being a fake does little to overcome the fear you have about your inadequacies. It may actually enhance that fear.
You’ll feel the anxiety to keep up with appearances. You’ll worry incessantly if others are seeing through your façade – they usually do. You’ll wonder if your mom would see this new, fake version of you and throw up.
The number one reason why you shouldn’t fake it is: you just won’t feel good about yourself.
As Theodore Seuss Giesel, or Dr. Seuss, once said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
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Real vs Perceived Confidence
Ironically, you may be eroding your inner confidence when you try to prop up your perceived confidence.
I know of a junior executive whose colleagues believed she was faking her way up. She arrived at work overdressed every day, talked a good game, and was often seen mingling with higher ups at parties.
The problem? She wasn’t known for her work. She was Kardashianing her way to success.
I got to work with her again several years later and found that things had changed. Gone was the over-eagerness to impress. In its place was a calm confidence that grounded her work, which was superb.
When I asked her about her change, she said, “I was afraid I wasn’t good enough and was trying too hard to be someone I’m not. When I stopped pretending a strange thing happened – I became be confident of myself.”
True confidence comes from being real to yourself and to others.
When you’re honest with yourself enough to admit you’re not as good as you need to be, you have a strong impetus to improve. Believing in a trumped-up, fake façade that you’re good enough can stifle your growth.
It’s becoming harder to fake out people. By keeping it real in your dealings with others, you convey humility and likeability – attributes that build trust. That’s a currency that’s harder to earn.
Confidence vs Competence
Some people pretend to be something they’re not to appear more competent to others who are judging them. They believe that projected confidence implies competence.
The best way I know to “make it” is to actually make it. Work on being really good at what you do. Your confidence will be bulletproof if it is built on rock-solid competence on the field.
Remember Bruce Lee. Yes, that guy who goes around in a tacky bright yellow tracksuit that doesn’t exactly shout to baddies “I’m going to kick your butt”. Yet his confidence is unmatched. The man doesn’t worry if you judge him. He doesn’t care for your opinion of his dress code. He just knows he’s going to kick your butt because he happens to be really good at kicking butt.
Here are 3 ways to turn confidence into competence:
1. Rather than to pretend to be what you’re not, embrace what you really are. See your current weaknesses and be confident in you ability to improve them. Set targets. Be accountable. The results will come.
2. Find a mentor to be your sounding board. Take the first step and ask someone you admire in your field to mentor you. Ask him about his honest opinion of your work and invite him to provide counsel as you work your way up.
3. Volunteer for challenges that are tougher than you capable of.Be honest with yourself and your manager that you’ll have to stretch your current skill set to do that, and you’re willing to do that. Your confidence may be rewarded with not just opportunities to grow, but with the respect of your peers.
Having competence makes you confident, but having confidence (especially the fake kind) doesn’t make you competent. Figuring out the relationship between these two important assets is the key to being the real deal.
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