#WeToo: Turning Anger And Defensiveness Into Compassion And Healing

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In the first week of the #MeToo movement, I had a difficult interaction on Facebook with a woman with whom I had enjoyed many positive interactions for a few years. She posted something and used the word “prick” 3 times in a negative way in three very short sentences, for a subject unrelated to #MeToo. With good intention, though knowing it was a challenge, I suggested that “Maybe it’s time to stop using ‘prick’ in such a negative way,” because I see negative and angry genital language as a small part of the problem. I quickly got piled upon by her and a couple of other women and a range of aspersions and demands were cast my way. Not having the energy or time to put in the effort to untangle this, I simply suggested that we unfriend for a while; like a time-out during an argument.

What follows is some of what I have considered during my time-out, including how I learned during my marriage the necessity of holding and healing my own pain. This ability is necessary for positive cross-gender communication around the issues in the #MeToo movement, which includes, like intimate relationships, the presence of mutually triggering wounds and triggers.

Men Have To Heal Too

In terms of male mistreatment of women, what can be done to really help with the mistreatment and abuse of women? With the risk of making this about men, the only way to stop the mistreatment and abuse is for men to change and heal, while women should also heal. Hurt men hurt women, particularly in a culture that objectifies women.

While many great solutions have been offered, any complete solution has to include consideration of how men are abused and emotionally neglected beginning from childhood. In a variety of ways, men have their emotions, vulnerability and deep relatedness shamed and beaten out of us and this negatively affects how we treat others, including women.

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“The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.” ~ bell hooks

Despite the external entitlement “enjoyed” by many men, inside, many experience loneliness and lack of fulfillment. Many men are disempowered internally because they lack emotional awareness, so they don’t even know what to ask for. Adding to their isolation, men fear risking the vulnerability of asking for their more tender needs to be met. These are two powerful features that leave men internally disempowered, deeply relationally deprived and lacking in empathy.

Though not in awareness, emotions remain, and when unexpressed, go underground, become twisted and are expressed in unhealthy ways. Two of the only culturally allowed ways for men to express emotion and to deeply relate are anger and sex. When this is combined with the objectification of women, what results are unhealthy forms of anger and sexuality, and women often suffer the burden.

Healing and becoming whole takes a lot of willingness for men, and there is much to gain. Terrence Real, LCSW, indicates that a man can be motivated to take the first step in his personal and relationship healing by being informed about the benefits of doing this work, e.g., avoiding divorce, reduced conflict with their partner and benefiting the children. Further motivation to change occurs once they realize that this is the path to real personal fulfillment and internal and relational empowerment.

Women’s Truth and Men’s Defensiveness

The #MeToo movement has provided a very important opportunity for many women to express how they have been subjugation, mistreated and abused. Women are taking brave steps toward correcting their oppression, and specifically making sure they are heard regarding mistreatment. The floodgates are open and many women are understandably and necessarily angry.

Women not being heard in this context is a continuation of the squashing of female voices in general, and of mistreatment in particular. In short, men not listening is ignoring the principal purpose of the movement. This is why one of the demands for many in the #MeToo movement is that women be listened to without any mention of male pain, or sign of male defensiveness. Otherwise, women feel disregarded and this understandably triggers their anger. Women often interpret men asserting their point of view in negative ways, such as male self-absorption and emotional entitlement, which are feature of all male abuse of women. Hence, any mention of male pain, or defensiveness, can also retrigger specific abuse experienced by women.

The majority of men want to be good men and treat women well, while cultural conditioning, e.g., objectification of women, entitlement, and more, has set us up to mistreat women or to be guilty and ashamed of how we treat or have treated women. The anger and blame that women are expressing often evokes a great deal of this guilt and shame in men, and when this occurs, men become defensive and even angry. Any defensiveness by men in this context further triggers women’s anger, and this pattern often escalates in very negative interactions. I describe such interactions as being like two minefields moving over one another, mutually triggering deep wounds and intense emotions.

The pattern of mutual triggering is actually an emotional replay of the cultural abuse experienced by both men and women. For men, this type of interaction is the perpetuation of a damaging message. Specifically, women insisting that the conversation be only about their mistreatment, is a repeat of the pervasive cultural message “You do not have a right to your feelings and should not express your wounds.” This is obviously counterproductive to the healing that men are being called to do. When men are emotionally shut down and shamed, it is a repeat of the very situation that causes men’s mistreatment of women, i.e., men not being allowed their emotions and vulnerability.

There is a solution.

Holding And Healing My Own Pain

In order for the dialogue resulting from the #MeToo movement to avoid triggering each gender’s neglect and mistreatment, to be productive and even healing, we have to listen compassionately and mutually in spite of our wounds and triggers, and this is rarely easy. In fact, one sign of being healed around any issue is compassionate listening without being triggered by that issue.

Learning to communicate well in the presence of wounds and triggers is something my wife and I learned in our marriage. As it turns out, the same skills are required in intimate relationships as are required when discussing emotional issues in a more public context. Emotional vulnerabilities and triggers are present in both contexts.

For a year of our marriage, my wife and I would trigger one another’s issues and react quite strongly. Just as with many of the men in the #MeToo dialogue, sometimes I would respond defensively, often out of multilayered shame, sometimes with anger, which would then trigger her; just like many of the women in the #MeToo movement. We were mutually triggering, like two minefields moving over one another.

Eventually, with a lot of conscious effort and healing, including some from therapists, we were no longer so triggered or reactive. The moment I first experienced this is when, during a discussion that could have easily triggered both of us, I held my own pain, internally acknowledging and reining in any reactivity, while I turned my focus to her pain.

We learned to first focus on one of our feelings, needs, triggers and wounds, and only after one of us felt complete, heard and resolved, would we focus on the other. The agreement to participate in this process became the container, the promise that each of our needs would be taken care of, and remove the trigger that either of our needs would go unmet. Even if she was expressing some anger, I put my fear, hurt, shame and anger “in a box,” and held it for later, when it was my turn, and so remained calm. That is the most personally and relationally empowered I have felt in my life!

My wife and I used many techniques to reduce our triggers and emotional reactivity such as pausing before responding, monitoring our emotional reactivity and taking time-outs when things get intense. After a negative conflict we would take a time-out and rework the discussion to get closure, even the next day. We also borrowed from the 12-step programs, “HALTS,” which is not processing when Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired or Stressed.

While these are easily learned, the most important thing we gained and offer when working with other’s is healing original wounds. In our marriage, we were able to voice to one another the sources of our triggers and reactions, going back to childhood, including traumas and neglect. The fear of being rewounded and neglected is the source of our current triggers and reactivity, until we heal those previous wounds.

I believe a part of the solution for communication of both men’s and women’s issues, on a social level, including group therapy and on social media, is the same as occurred personally for me and my wife and for couples. In sum, it involves compassionate listening skills while reigning in reactivity and triggered responding and holding one’s own hurts, with a promise from the other person that both will get their chance. When this is not enough and we remain triggered and reactive, then deeper work is necessary, including with support groups and professional help. We may know we are healed when we can genuinely listen compassionately.

Nearly all men must reclaim aspects of self, emotions and vulnerability that have been lost to cultural conditioning and personal wounds. As men heal, they will have greater emotional skill and vulnerability and will feel more internal power and relational satisfaction. With a full range of emotional processing and a capacity for many types of deep relatedness, men will relate to women in a more empathic and nonobjectified manner.
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