I’m not a lesbian. I’m a heterosexual black female. I love heterosexual men. I always have loved men. I also love people. I mean I love people in general. I love straight people, gay people, black people, white people, Indian people, Asian people, Muslims, Jews, Christians, Buddhists and the list goes on. There’s nothing wrong with loving people and loving them doesn’t mean you have to be in an intimate relationship with them. Loving others also means that even when they are different than you or they love differently than you, you still love them and you stand up when they are mistreated.
The message noted above is more important than many know. I didn’t always say I loved people who were in same-sex relationships. I certainly never hated them though. Now to be open, when I grew up people shied away from having conversations about that particular subject. I can say I was raised as what was considered a traditional Christian if there is such a thing and the idea of homosexuality didn’t mesh with how I was brought up. The only people I ever KNEW that I met who were gay were in my opinion very attention seeking. The way they acted didn’t bother me but because they were just way different than I was I ignored it. It simply wasn’t something I understood or took the time to even try to understand because it didn’t impact me. Isn’t that the way we usually are as humans though? If it doesn’t impact us, it’s not something we spend time supporting.
That changed several years ago when I moved to the Atlanta area. I met a few people who were part of the LGBTQ community. At first, in my ignorance, I thought “they don’t look…” How silly of me to even think that thought was right? Some may even say it was just the arrogance of being an ignorant straight woman that made me feel that way. Maybe that’s correct but I guess it’s similar in nature to when we look at a person who is extremely fair skinned and say “they don’t look black” yet they are. Our pre-conceived notions of what someone is supposed to look like throws us off when they don’t’ look the part. Another example is talking to someone on the phone regularly and when you meet them in person they look nothing like you thought they would. All of this feeds the unconscious biases we too often have.
Those biases were bull-dozed when I met three people in particular. Two were male and the other female. I got to know each of their stories and all three though different had one similarity that stood out. Each wanted to be seen as a person and not just a person who was part of a community who had learned, metaphorically speaking, that love has no gender and it shows up wherever it is welcomed. I could hear the faintness of past hurts when they told me their stories about their journey to be happy and whole in their current lives. I heard about families not wanting to talk about their orientation, not want to talk to them or throw digs at them whenever they had the chance. All the while they wanted the same things we all want, to be loved, safe and included. This showed me the human side of the LGBTQ community that so many are too afraid to even try to see. The side that people fear somehow if they get too close to them they will lose their badge of ignorance that keeps them from seeing that all humans deserve to be seen, heard and loved even when you don’t understand how they make that happen.
i’m grateful for my friends. We may not always hang out in the same places because we each have our own preferences and that’s simply ok. I do know if we end up at the same bar one day we will have fun no matter who is there. On the other hand, we all understand the intersectionality of fighting for the rights of one another. If their rights go, believe me, yours or mine are next. We have conversations like everyone else about children, bills, co-workers, shopping and so many other things that anyone else would talk about. We discuss politics and who would be the best to represent us all. We discuss safety and watch each other’s backs. We have learned that love and compassion for others can grow anywhere. Lastly, one of the most valuable lessons learned is that even when my personal lifestyle looks different than theirs, I can still stand tall against anyone wanting to mistreat them or take their rights away and be proud doing it. I can let them stand under my umbrella when drops of anything other than love come their way. You can do the same too! First start by remembering human rights belong to all. Gender, religious or racial discrimination will never do anyone any good. We must all work together to eradicate these forms of hatred and bigotry so that we can find ways to make inclusion the norm. Be an allie, and help change the narrative for others.
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Aleasa Word is an emotional intelligence coach, speaker, author, and consultant. She is a former editor of the Raising Boys Section of the Good Men Project and continues to provide content to support the efforts for the purpose of ensuring all men and those who care for them have a voice in support of their success.
