Rather than complaining about the next generation, Owen Marcus writes, older men need to provide a better model for younger men.
What happened to the good old days when men ruled? When being a man was the thing? Obviously, those days are not coming back. Good thing, too. No man I know would really want to go back to the days of women feeling repressed.
But it seems like, in all the fight to make sure that women are getting their just due, we’ve lost what it is to be a man.
I may be going against the mainstream to say this, but I think that’s actually good. We are dropping the binds that held us back for centuries. We are walking away from the masculine culture that our ancestors ruled. We are saying “no” to the roles, expectations, and demands of centuries of keeping with the program.
Men William J. Bennett, U.S. secretary of Education from 1985 to 1988 and director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy under President George H.W. Bush, wrote a CNN article about “Why men are in trouble”:
Now, society has rightly celebrated the ascension of one sex. We said, “You go girl,” and they went. We celebrate the ascension of women but what will we do about what appears to be the very real decline of the other sex?
The data does not bode well for men. In 1970, men earned 60% of all college degrees. In 1980, the figure fell to 50%, by 2006 it was 43%. Women now surpass men in college degrees by almost three to two. Women’s earnings grew 44% in real dollars from 1970 to 2007, compared with 6% growth for men.
Beyond promoting his new book, The Book of Man: Readings on the Path to Manhood, Bennett tells us we need to direct our youth around appropriate social values:
Men are more distant from a family or their children then they have ever been. The out-of-wedlock birthrate is more than 40% in America. In 1960, only 11% of children in the U.S. lived apart from their fathers. In 2010, that share had risen to 27%. Men are also less religious than ever before. According to Gallup polling, 39% of men reported attending church regularly in 2010, compared to 47% of women.
This “decline” of the masculine is not caused by being less religious, as Bennett suggests. It is just one of the several institutions that both men and women are walking away from because they aren’t serving their needs. The external structures that held us up (and, I would say, confined us) are disintegrating around us.
Bennett states that:
You will find them talking about prolonged adolescence and men who refuse to grow up. I’ve heard too many young women asking, “Where are the decent single men?” There is a maturity deficit among men out there, and men are falling behind.
Yes men are falling behind, but why? I say it is because we don’t know how to be our own man. We learned to be a man for other men. Who taught us to be our own man?
Bennett’s claim that “Man’s response has been pathetic” might be true from the position of the old guard. These young men are, as he points out, playing video games. Even though I would contend that boys were raised to always play, it is still each man’s responsibility to get off his ass and make a life for himself.
♦◊♦
The rebellion we are seeing around the world (the Arab Spring, Occupy Wall Street, etc.) represents, in part, young men saying: “The consumer culture and its media tell us that being a successful man means owning the latest smartphone while driving the latest BMW. But jobs to earn the money to buy our success are no longer available. We are trapped. We believe self-worth is material success, yet we can’t achieve it. Without the means to succeed and no models or support to discover self-respect, what is left?”
We condemn young men for not growing up—but we never showed them how to mature or gave them the tools to do it! I agree with Bennett’s assessment that the media continues to feed this problem with no appropriate role models. Bennett’s suggestion is that these men “need to be guided through advice, habit, instruction, example and correction.” Yes, that is a start. More critical, and far more powerful, is the power of modeling. A book, movie or sermon instructs, but they don’t model for these men what they never got to see.
When we stop relying on our institutions to impart what is needed, we can mature as real men, not just clones of an arcane representation of a man. As men, we need to embody what we want young men to be. We need to walk our talk. I’m 58, and I get pissed when I hear an old man tell a young man to shape up. I want to say, “When YOU get real, then you can critique young men.”
There is a place for accountability—after we give these young men a way to create a life. What we are seeing these young men do is rebel against what some of us rebelled against when we were young. Show them something of value to do, and I am willing to bet most will show up.
As older men, it is our responsibility to move beyond what is wrong and back these young men with the skills they never had taught to them. In my attempt to be part of the solution, I formed Men Corps with my two partners to teach men how to operate free men’s groups. Giving all men the tools and support to create the lives they want is what will help men mature into the man they want to be. As men working together, we can dig ourselves out of the trouble we are in. What one man didn’t learn, another man did; together, we model and teach each other.
How would you contribute to growing the men we want?
—Photo choking sun/Flickr
In a lot of cases, reverse psychology may work best. For a lot of young men, if you want to them to do something, tell them NOT to do it. Tell them they’re too young, tell them that their grandmothers wouldn’t like it, or tell them that it’s not how the Greatest Generation behaved. Take someone who’s totally uncool and full of traditional authority, and get him to tell them not to do it, and they WILL do it. They may actually need rebellion as much as they need role models. I suspect this is the approach that will get… Read more »
After almost two generations of being blamed for society’s ills, derided as unnecessary, and watching their parents marriages (and subsequent marriages) fall apart, is it any wonder men are choosing to withdraw? It’s not just that they have no “good” role models, it’s the over abundance of misandric messages. I think the young men of today are conforming nicely to the new societal standards. I wish I could remember the original poster, but this nugget sums up the Pavlovian response by the men tht don’t “grow up”: “As a man, I refuse to commit to a woman because I don’t… Read more »
Insightful article! As the mom of two boys, I know that my husband and I share the responsibility of steering them in a positive direction and having a healthy perspective of manhood.
Older men are providing the wrong model for young men by foolishly getting married.
Whenever I talk to young men I tell them to ignore what other people expect of them, look out for number one and be a free man. Marriage is a contract with the state and women are holding all the cards.
Deja vu, this happened to black communities decades ago.
The more we can be clear on what we want and why – the more likely we are to have a successful relationship. The best indicator of success is how much you like yourself. You are right, both younger and older men are working on that.
I’ve reached the same conclusion. I have two adult sons and one adult daughter. I’ve recommended the boys don’t marry and the daughter to marry if she can. The current marriage rates tell me the young men and women of today have already seen the disasters of their parents’ marriages and want no part of it. They have reached the same conclusion as you and I – marriage today is just a contract that is used to distribute assets and earnings later.
I think it’s sad that men have to be in charge or self destruct.
There’s no in between & no cooperating with women. If men have to share power, they become “depressed” and “anxious”…unsure of their “role.”
Male – Female relations seem to be a zero sum game where…either men run things or they’re no good to anyone.
You speak of the old model which certainly doesn’t work. And yet I do see men and women enjoying working together. They may be the exception, but there are people doing it. Part of succeeding at working together is learning to appreciate the unique differences of each sex and each person. I admit that as a man we have been behind in doing that. One of the men in my men’s group has a successful company running programs for Fortune 100 companies teaching them how to not continue being ‘white men’ organizations. We are changing. It might not be as… Read more »
Men are finding what fulfills them separate from female input the same as women did. Men are no longer being content with “manly” being defined by how “useful” he is either to bosses or spouses.
If that bothers you, deal.
“The bicycle doesn’t need a fish either.”
–Me–
It doesn’t bother me. It bothers men. Did you read the article?
After rereading your comment I’m certain you have reversed the genders. Your comment does not include or mention responsibility or accountability both unique male traits avoided in your comment.
Responsibility and accountability are uniquely male? On what planet?
Maybe I see your point, if you mean that society only holds men accountable, and blames them for everything that makes women unhappy. I’d agree with that. 40-50 years of blaming all of the sins of the world on the patriarchy does seem to be having the desired effect – men are more willing then ever to reduce their imprint on society, thus reducing their blame. Too bad is isn’t working. They still get blamed for women’s unhappiness.
Be forewarned, this is a Christian statement. If that offends you, you are under no obligation to read it.
I believe that men are in trouble because we have sought happiness in everything but Christ. Whether men seek fulfillment through indulging our own impulses and ignoring the expectations of everyone or by seeking the approval of the “old guard”, true fulfillment, freedom, and happiness only exist in relationship with Him.
Umm, so….
All men were in trouble until about 2000 years ago? Until 2000 years ago, there was no fulfillment, freedom, or happiness for men?
The churches abandoned men when they did not voice discontent when feminists went from state to state and passed no-fault divorce laws. Women initiate divorce 70% of the time. Often for silly or flighty reasons. Women win sole custody 13 times as often as men (and yet are the largest abusers of children). Priests and religious leaders are fallible. I may believe in the perfection of christ, but organized religion is another matter (and has a horrible track record). Religion can bring you spiritual peace, but only one thing fights injustice: action. Men need to start becoming political advocates to… Read more »
You’re right on the money Owen. The men who say that young men are lost and throw their hands up in the air and walk away, just guaranty nothing will ever change. I was saved by an older guy who mentored me. Young men today have very different issues to deal with than the Boomers. Our generation was promised jobs and success. Neither was that difficult to realize. Young men need to be addressed in a more positive manner than what politicians are yelling at them, which is, “just go out there and make it happen for yourself.” That’s a… Read more »
Thanks Ken.
It does seem like the people you are telling others to “make it happen” have already made it. I am glad they did – I want everyone to make it. It would be great if they did more than preach. Sitting down to listen then rolling their sleeves up to co-create a new future would make a huge difference.
In the Bennett quotes are a whole lot of things thrown together as if they are all interconnected with each other. Having a child out of wedlock is not the same as being an uninvolved father, which is not the same as not going to church as much, which is not the same as men failing to complete their college degrees, which is not the same as raising immature sons, which is not the same as letting feminism run rampant. Going back to “the good old days” of the Baby Boom era, minus the oppression of women, is hardly a… Read more »
Thank you for your comment.
Blame never sets us free. Yet understanding the causes can release the self blame.
Our fathers did the best they could given what they had to work with. Regardless of the lineage of cause, we all need to solve this issue.
Hey AM:
I’m not necessarily saying it’s not true, but I would like to know what leads you to believe that the majority of people in the 1950’s felt they were in a soul-destroying reality?
I doubt MOST people in the 1950’s felt disillusioned about their family lives. I’m just saying that many of them did, even (or especially) the ones in the cookie-cutter white suburban neighborhoods. By the end of the 1950’s, for example, the rates of alcoholism and sedative abuse in the suburbs were skyrocketing. A lot of men and women expressed all sorts of dissatisfaction with their marriages and family life. (There’s a lot of evidence for this cited in Elaine Tyler May’s _The Way We Never Were_.) The idealization of the suburban nuclear family household is often overblown, in my opinion.… Read more »
Well, I think things would be pretty similar to today even without feminists. The simple fact is a lot of things were coming to a nexus, and none of them had anything to do with feminists. We had contraceptives (bringing forth a new age of unleashing the female sex drive) We had a lot of dissatisfaction from women (due to working factories & maintaining the home-stead while men were at war) after world war II. The simple fact is from 1910 to 1950 women may have been oppressed, but so were men. While women were relegated to the home, men… Read more »
Susan Faludi’s second big book (whose title in English I cannot recall at the moment – in Portuguesex it’s “Domados”) is an EXCELLENT read for anyone who’s interested in the above article.
Thaddeus,
I believe you are speaking of her 1999 book Stiffed: “The Betrayal of the American” where she speaks about how men suffer equally from what women fought against.
Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Man
We don’t raise a generation of men who own themselves by demonstrating that we are the things we own. Unless your definition of a successful young man is one with a sports car and the latest cell phone, then we have to model the behavior we admire. The statistics you start out with don’t tell the whole story, because you make it sound like a zero-sum game for education, for example, which is not a limited resource. If men in degree programs “drop” to “only” 50%, then we have perfect parity. And how many degrees are being earned, overall? The… Read more »
Justin,
I believe young men, maybe unwittingly are challenging the notion that we are what we own. Education is a powerful tool of change, possibly the most powerful.
Another factor that the stats I quote don’t reflect is the reorienting back to crafts. As Matthew Crawford in his recent book “Shop Class as Soulcraft” points out, intellectual knowledge is not wisdom.
“No man I know would really want to go back to the days of women feeling repressed.” True. However, this society continues to systematically crush males in an effort to help elevate females; so, it is now reaping it has sown. Society tells boys (via the media) that they will inevitably grow up to be stupid, useless, incompetent (albeit funny) bumblers, but that women will take care of everything just fine on their own. So, they really aren’t needed to be anything more than that. Society tells boys and men that fathers are an optional feature, and… Read more »
Eric,
It is true particularly that the media is disempowering boys and men. Women in part because of their own liberation and because media along with society is attempting to do a ‘divide and conquer’ between men and women, women are encouraged to succeed at the cost of men. They are told they don’t need men.
The strategy is non-compliance. MGTOW (forget about the idiots on that site) but the wider MGTOW are just saying no. If society leans on men to the extent that it starts to panic when it sees men in large numbers are saying no, society needs to offer a better deal to men in order to keep these men interested.
Ron,
Yes, we need to be offered better deals… or we need to make them ourselves. I think what frightens the establish the most is us saying, “Thanks, but no thanks… we are going our own way.”
Great post, so glad I am finding like-minded thinkers. The model begins with our own self-awareness. As we take hard looks at our own lives and make changes to improve what doesn’t work, sharing the struggle demonstrates vulnerability and a willingness to be accountable. Most importantly, by making the changes ourselves, they see it is possible to create the kind of life we want.
Kip,
Yes! As we become aware and allow ourselves to express we start to come alive. Then when we can do that with other men… we change the plant.
As someone who fits fairly nicely into the demographic you’re writing about… I’d just like to point out one key flaw in your otherwise insightful article. ” We believe self-worth is material success, ” This bit. It’s wrong. The problem is not that we believe self-worth is based in material success but the fact that we don’t. People matter, relationships matter, doing good deeds matter. Money? Cars? Shiny Houses? Iphones and bling? They’re nice, but that’s it. They’re nice to have but they are not what defines my (or anyone else’s) self-worth. See the older generation has tried to point… Read more »
I agree with your sentiments, Doug. I too find myself a fifty something now dispossesed of meaningful employment and disillusioned with the programming of what it means to be a man. As men, we’ll find our way – we always have, but not without doing or homework first.. Women are not the only ones who’ve suffered violence due to our social structure. We need to heal ourselves and that means discovering and embracing that part of ourselves we’ve severed in order to function according to societies rules. We could not afford to let ourselves feel. Then we’d feel angry at… Read more »
Stephen,
It is amazing how children re-ignite hope and passion in us old guys. We are taught that the older generation has something to give to the younger, I am sure that is true. But, I often think the younger generation is giving us more.
When I play with kids or read a comment like Doug’s tears come to my eyes and my heart melts. I remember what it means to be a human.
Doug is correct. While feminism opened up a lot of options for women and provided new paths to explore, it didn’t provide any new options for men. And not being idiots, a lot of men noticed that. The “old model” of provider-protector-breadwinner remained the only option for men, even as it was acknowledged that it no longer worked or applied. So men started re-examining their options on their own, finding their own new paths and interests… and pursuing them. Where women stepped up in the workplace, many men scaled back. Where women became self-supporting with their own careers, men dropped… Read more »
You are right; the death of the old model is now impacting men. Women took the lead fighting the more obvious oppression. Now men are fighting back against what might be more subtle, but still a repressive cultural model of who to be.
As men we want more than just be the grunts that fighting the wars and toiling in the plants. As you mentioned, we want to be around to raise our kids.
Doug,
Thank you for your comment and your point about how self-worth is material success. I agree with you. I just didn’t say it clearly. I attempted to say that society tries to have the younger generation buy into self-worth being material success – which you point out so clearly is a losing proposition.
The courage you manifested in the face of despair is what will change this planet. Having a vision for something better when it doesn’t yet exist is what will lead us out of the mess you and your generation didn’t put us in.
I think that part of the problem is that you’re really over-simplifying things. You say, “What part of go to school, work hard, get a job, retire late and then you die is better then a life of video games?” and I’m wondering how you can be serious. Going to school is about so much more than grades and debt – it’s where you follow your passions, learn about things that you wouldn’t otherwise encounter, meet people from many walk of life and economic backgrounds and, in short, get out of your basement. You say “work hard”, but it’s about… Read more »
Lindsey, I agree that going to school is much more than the academics and that work is more than a pay check! I am sorry you got the impression I minimize work and school, the opposite is true. In fact I want both man and women to get more out of each. I felt that Bennett’s view was one of “do as you are told and things will be good.” For some that is true, for others it isn’t. It is those ‘intangibles’ of school and work that make life rich. I have had many clients, men’s group members and… Read more »
From what i’ve seen & heard, getting through to young men is a waste of time. The only way they’ll shape up is if they’re at their worst. Why tell him that dropping out of high school is something he’ll regret when he’s unable to get a job – he doesn’t care because he’s still being financially supported by his parents. Why tell him that his illegal activity is going to land him in prison – he doesn’t care because he’s only been given a slap on wrist with probation & community service. They’ll see a successful man, and want… Read more »
William,
Thank you for your comment. In your frustration I hear concern about our young men. I was one of those young men. I know for myself it wasn’t that I didn’t care – I just couldn’t find at the time something to direct my caring to.
Hi William, I also hear your concern for young men, and your pessimism about telling young men what to do. I agree with you about the fruitlessness of telling a young man what to do. I work with teens at a therapeutic boarding school. If you want to get a lot of resistance, just tell a teenager what to do. Instead I show the young men and women what it means to be a man, by being that man. I believe in influence over authority and I count as my success when I have inspired a young man to risk,… Read more »
David,
You certainly right, young men have a strong BS meter. Or they are just more willing to speak.
You know when you are congruent with who you are when you have reach one of these men. They trust your authenticity.
I really want to push back on the whole “kids these days” sentiment and that getting through to them is so difficult seeing as they’re so soft/entitled/thickheaded/etc. Take video games for example. Who gave them the damn gaming console in the first place? What did we expect them to do with it…sell it and buy a T-84 calculator and do integrals in their spare time? When the worst generation of spoiled narcissists (i.e. Baby Boomers and Gen X) had kids, what did we expect to happen? Seems like we’re getting mad at water for being wet, and not looking at… Read more »
Owen, great post! Thank you for pulling together my thoughts on both the article and #OWS movements. Well done.
I’ll be seeing you in a circle of men soon.
Thanks Boysen. If we are to have the boys turn into the men we want, we need to be those men.