Is Sexism Worse Than Racism?

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The Fruit Basket

There is a kind of unspoken competition among all of us who should be allies. Here is one way to look at it.

There is a giant tub of apples. It is controlled by the wealthy and powerful “ABC”, (Apple Barrel Corporation, or already been chewed.) Their job is to keep power, control, and resources to ensure that those they deem “not us” cannot rise above their station and have a fair share of apples. They dole out tidbits and ask for our praise for doing so.

One way they do this is to continually raise issues that divide and conquer the possible emergence of a group, that with combined forces, could overwhelm ABC.
As an imperfect example, say one ABC apple vendor learns that a group calling themselves “Sanders gathers,” and a group calling themselves “Warren gatherers”, says a controversial thing. ABC seizes upon this immediately, bringing the Sanders apple gatherers to attack the Warren apple gatherers. Usually, it goes both ways.
Meanwhile, ABC guards their massive tub without much public outcry.

During woman’s suffrage, and the movement for Black vote, there came a time when the passionate allies were asked to divide. “Step aside!” the women were told, “It’s more important right now, that we get votes for black people.”

Certainly, a few, especially Black Women, picked up on the absurdity that they, people, were asked to step aside so that other people, would get the vote first.
A similar divide occurred in the late sixties when lesbian women were told they were a “purple menace” limiting the rights of all other women.
The result was that to this day, we have no Equal Rights Amendment.

This tactic of ABC is highly effective. To the greater majority of people, there is very little comprehending, or even thinking about it. It is a playground where pundits jab and joust. And how many regular people do you know, that are deeply attentive to pundits. After all, who prods around the silos and lanes of those “despicable others”?

What most people know is the extremely simplified sensationalism, or competition, of the two sides.

Every fruit belongs in the basket

A second part of our internalized programming is just cultural conditioning.

If we are reminded daily of how one person has more privilege than another, it hardly builds sympathy for the fact that everyone, including the privileged, is groomed this way.

There is just one human race, for example, and gender is upon a spectrum with definite peaks at binary ends.

Those who are hateful to LGBTQ people are more repulsed by the idea they were taught is wrong. They don’t disdain individuals. They are usually not — with some vile exceptions — attacking their neighbors, family members, or fellow shoppers. Certainly, all of us have met a person who is not strictly hetero, but for the most part, we don’t act like completely violent jerks.

It is the same with every identity.

But by a constant emphasis on who is more put upon by who, we very, very quickly lose track of who really has all the apples. This is not to say we should not call out racism or sexism, but to say that we must find more productive — fruitful — ways to do it.

Counterproductive ways simply cost all of us the whole apple cart.

But how do we make people think, rather than just choose sides?

Questioning our own assumptions

A person who is discriminated against for whatever reason will have automatic defenses. But others around them do not see their inner triggers. Our inner assumptions (yes, I have them too,) are so habituated and automatic that we can’t see how they make us self-absorbed.

Let’s say a group of people is waiting at ABC on apple collection day. A careless man, but not necessarily, an evil man, tells a heavy woman that she is blocking his access. She turns quickly and accidentally bumps him, knocking off his glasses. He mutters, “big bitch.”

She will spend the rest of the day stewing in his misogyny, fat-shaming, and “cruelty.” He spends the rest of the day chiding himself for not guarding his language or his impatience.

His well-ingrained privilege has allowed him to say something really stupid, and unhelpful, and he knows it. But she doesn’t feel that at all. She nurses her wounded identity that has heard it all before. This pattern plays out everywhere, millions of times a day.

We constantly reinforce our own suffering. We are stuck in our perceptions, and unless we make some effort to budge, we will stay there.
Here are just a few rationalizations people make regularly.

The word “bitch” has been reclaimed by feminists, and others, so it’s not really an insult. When I notice someone is “big” I am not calling them fat. When a man tries to control my autonomy, I should not let him get away with it. When someone doesn’t respect my personal male space, they are intentionally pushing my buttons. When a man throws his weight around, I unconsciously make every effort to make myself small, or even invisible, to accommodate as I was programmed.
It is easy to see how thoughts like this become completely automatic. They are also not untrue, which makes them even more powerful.

The way to confront the machine

As we all know, slowly, over time, assumptions change. It was once socially acceptable to use the N word (it never really was, of course!) to quantify females as either pure or tainted or to be unaware of how pronounced such habits were.

Slowly, we learn that to promote very rigid roles, conduct, and hierarchy has a high cost to all of us. Many are taught to repress, or even deny, our emotions and feelings.

It is our societal programming that we should call out, rather than calling out individuals.

Individuals, by nature of past wounds, are vulnerable. It is easy to see, and discard them as bruised apples, (or overly sensitive snowflakes.)

The whole marketing around “apple distribution” needs to be carefully watched. This giant machine, the grinding attitudes and mechanical gears of how we hand out apples, is not fine-tuned to respect toward humanity.

When we notice that every subject, for example, the current pandemic crisis, is easily politicized, we should stand up and take notice. We must see that individuals need protection and that the system-wide machine that pits those individuals against one another requires some analysis, update, and constant maintenance.

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Previously published on Medium.com

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