I Am Not Afraid of Heartbreak, I Am Afraid of Love

I know you are not going to read this but I wanted to put it out there anyways.

We weren’t the perfect couple. In fact, we were the furthest possible from being anywhere near compatible. We broke up every few days because being together was horrible. But we came back together every single time because staying away from each other was even worse.

We spent hours fighting, we said things we didn’t mean. I acted like a total monster when I was hurt. You shut down and acted like none of it affected you. But at the end of the day, we needed each other more strongly than the demons that tried to separate us.

Our fights didn’t just end with an apology and a compromise. You actually took the effort to understand me. And perhaps that was the best thing someone can do for the one they love. Understand, instead of assuming.

You are the only person in the world who saw me at my worst and loved me anyway. I wish I could have given you the love you deserved. And trust me, I tried.

But I was right after all. Every time you told me you loved me, it was hard for me to believe it. Because a lot of people told me the same and acted otherwise. You told me you’d never leave, that no matter what happens, nothing can make you love me less. You told me you’d stand by my side, no matter what.

But you left. You stopped loving me. You did everything you promised me you’d never do.

And a part of me knew this would happen and it was that part that kept me scared. It held me back. It did not let me believe in your sweet talk because a lot of them had said the exact same words and all of them had walked right out.

But you almost had me convinced, that this time, it would be different. I was inching closer to believing forever exists and I don’t have to be on the edge looking out for your footsteps walking out of my life. I almost believed you’d stay.

You had all my nightmares in your palm and you picked every one of them apart and magnified them exponentially. You became the very thing you’d told me you would protect me from.

But the worst part is this changes nothing for you. You’d probably go on living just like you did before you met me. But for me, everything has changed. The next time I see anything that even faintly resembles love, I swear to God, I’ll run for my life.

. . .

I am not afraid of having my heartbroken. I’ve been there a far too many times now. It’s love that scares me.

Love makes you believe everything is gonna be okay. It wraps you in its warm embrace until you melt into its softness. It holds you close and makes you its own. It penetrates your mind, body and soul. It becomes who you are.

And then it leaves. It takes away the very essence of your being. It leaves you with nothing, with nowhere to go. Love is just a distraction like the pretty girl accompanying a magician. It is the calm before the storm. The feeling of abundance before it’s all gone.

You were my sunset and now it’s all dark.

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Previously published on Medium.com.

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