5 Traits of Emotionally Mature Partners

We all know love is the foundation of any relationship. What we don’t always realize is how important it is to be with someone who’s mature enough to reassure us, validate us and make us feel heard.

Emotionally mature people make the relationship enriching rather than draining. They love to give back, and they value fairness and reciprocity. They’re capable of looking at themselves and making changes that will create more closeness and intimacy.

This is particularly important if you’ve grown up with emotionally immature parents who never made you feel unconditionally loved and accepted. It can be very healing to be with someone who finally listens to you and enjoys getting to know your inner world.

Of course it’s equally important to develop your own emotional maturity. Secure relationships always require balance and growth from both parts.

I’ve recently read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, written by clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson, in which she provides some tips on how to identify an emotionally mature person.

I’ll share some of traits she talks about, as well as some quotes from her book. If your partner has some of these traits— you’re one of the lucky ones.

1. They make you feel seen and understood

Emotionally mature people love to listen to your experiences, and they use them to establish an emotional connection with you. They know how to make you feel heard and supported, and they naturally give and receive comfort under stressful situations.

Besides, they’re enjoyable to be around! They engage in humor in ways that strengthen bonds with others.

“The more you share with such people, the more they share with you. That’s how true intimacy develops and flourishes (…) You’ll also discover that when you feel distressed, emotionally mature people don’t pull back. They aren’t afraid of your emotions and don’t tell you that you should be feeling some other way.”

2. They respect your boundaries

Boundaries are crucial in every relationship and, unfortunately, most people don’t really understand them. Without boundaries, your relationship will most likely suffer from some kind of unbalance.

Setting strong boundaries means you’re taking responsibility for your own emotions whilst letting your partner know what behavior you will or will not accept — which is something emotionally mature individuals do naturally, and expect the same in return.

On the other hand, emotionally immature people have no respect for your boundaries. Instead, they view it as a threat to the relationship, since they’re not able to accept your individuality.

If you’re in a relationship that:

makes you feel tired, exhausted or drained;
doesn’t allow you to fully express yourself, in the sense that you have to walk on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid conflict;
makes you feel like you’re the one who has to fix all the problems;
makes you feel like you’re more invested than your partner;

Then, it probably means there are some boundaries to be set, or that your partner is not emotionally mature.

3. They are willing to be influenced, and they know apologizing doesn’t make them weak

The ability to be open to other perspectives instead of having fixed ideas is a sign of incredible emotional maturity. As Lindsay Gibson says,

“Emotional mature people have a secure sense of self. They don’t feel threatened when other people see things differently, nor are they afraid of seeming weak if they don’t know something. So when you have an insight to share with them, they listen and consider what you tell them. They may not agree, but thanks to their natural curiosity, they’ll try to understand your point of view.”

Besides, they have no problems with taking responsibility for their words and actions, and are willing to apologize if needed. They know respect and reciprocity are keys in any healthy relationship.

If you tell an emotionally mature person they’ve hurt your feelings, they won’t react with anger or defensiveness, like immature people do. They’ll do their best to understand how you feel and do what it takes to makes things better.

4. They’re realistic and reliable

A mature individual works with reality rather than fighting it or blaming everyone for everything that goes wrong. They see problems and try to fix them, and they can feel and think at the same time.

Because they have a reliable sense of self, they won’t surprise you with sudden bursts of anger or with a disproportionate overreaction.

In contrast, a relationship with an emotionally immature person tens to bring you a sense of instability. You never know what’s going to happen, or if they’ll suddenly get offended and take things personally. They see slights and criticisms where they don’t exist and often feel like they’re being evaluated, which kills the spontaneity and truthfulness all relationships need.

5. They’re flexible and compromise well

With mature people, compromise can be enjoyable. They naturally have your feelings into account, which makes you feel safe, secure and respected. They don’t want to leave you feeling unsatisfied — in fact, they want you to feel good too.

“When you forge a compromise with an emotionally mature person, you won’t feel like you’re giving up anything; instead, both of you will feel satisfied. Because collaborative, mature people don’t have an agenda to win at all costs, you won’t feel like you’re being taken advantage at all costs. Compromise doesn’t mean mutual sacrifice; it means a mutual balancing of desires.”

The ability to listen and empathize with our partner is critical when it comes to building a healthy, balanced relationship.

Love is not enough; in fact, if you can’t empathize, how can you love? If you don’t feel their feelings as if they were yours, how can you be there for them?

That’s how a relationship with an emotionally mature person feels like. It feels fair and stable. You don’t have to worry about being judged because you know you’re free to fully express yourself; and you don’t have to worry about being disrespected because you can feel their respect for you, every single day.

Above all, you feel seen, heard and loved. How beautiful can that be?

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Previously published on medium

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