Things to Never Say in a Relationship

Words kill. That’s a thing to remember when you decide to spend your life with someone on your side. While being in a relationship nowadays is hard, knowing what to say and what not to say can save even the most hopeless case. It’s all in your tongue.

If you can learn to control this boneless and shameless organ, then surely I tell you, you will have a happy life.

Yes, they raised their voice. No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Yes, they overreacted. No, you didn’t give them a reason to. The face mask doesn’t belong near the bread as it’s unhygienic, but that’s not a reason to pick a fight. And yet, most couples fight over trivial stuff like this.

What’s worse is that the fight can escalate down to past traumas, mentioned mistakes, and even one of you walking out. This is the eternal rope that seems to have tied men and women in an endless loop from hell where almost everyone in 2021 feels as if they’re better off alone. You’re not. Spending your life alone will bring only misery because happiness is only real when shared.

On the other hand, this new culture pushes people to break up on the first red flag they see and try to find someone else who’s perfect for them. You won’t find them. Nobody’s perfect. And chances are, if you break up from your first love, your first partner, you will do it again… and again… and… again until you settle for someone you think is a perfect match for you. They’re not. You just matured and learned to tolerate more along the way, which you could’ve also done if you knew better when you had that first love.

Anyway, the core problem here isn’t in you or your partner. It is in some things you say to each other. If you can avoid saying these things, you will go a long way together. It will be complicated, as in every relationship. But the more you avoid saying these things, the longer you will be happy with one another.

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Alrighty, then, without further a due, let’s jump right in and see the forbidden words to say in a relationship.

Always and never

Avoid at all costs saying the words “always” and “never” while in a relationship. And this goes for all kinds of relationships. Let’s take an example:

You always want to be right. You never listen to me when I’m expressing my feelings.

Here’s the thing, knuckleheads: Somebody never always does anything. We tend to exaggerate someone’s behavior to the point where we feel that this person is “never” there for us. On the other hand, we want to blame them, to make it look like they “always” do something we can’t stand. But this isn’t true. As human beings, it’s impossible for us to always or never do something.

In the example above, the person being in the wrong might’ve not listened to you at that particular moment. Of course, they might’ve also wanted to be right at that moment. However, think of at least one time when that person listened to you. Think of another time where they admitted at least once that they were in the wrong. And don’t give me the: “Oh never.” Because if you think hard enough, you will find small occasions where the person you blame for never doing something has actually done that thing plenty of times.

The reason why using “always” and “never” is dangerous while in a relationship is because you’re dismissing all the times the other person was there for you. By doing that, you’re inevitably hurting the other person. So instead of saying “always” and “never,” try saying, “right now” or “at this moment.” Let’s see how that example changes:

You want to be right at this moment. You aren’t listening to me right now as I’m expressing my feelings.

Isn’t that beautiful? By using other words to refer to the moment you’re in, not only are you staying in the present, but you’re also dragging your partner into the moment with you. This will concentrate all of your energy into the problem you’re both facing now, avoiding the spark of past conversations, that lead to further arguments.

Calm down

Another expression that has proven to make people burst into rage is the famous “calm down.” As contradicting as it sounds, there’s a study backing this up. When people are told to hide how they feel and try to clamp down on the emotion, “it leaks out more,” says Dr. Mendes.

Now, imagine how bad this can go while being in a relationship. Your partner did something that upset you. While you’re trying to show them you’re hurt in the best way you can, they hit you with: “calm down”. Okay, so, not only does this line make you more infuriated, it actually makes you feel like they are not validating your emotions.

Instead of saying “calm down”, try replacing this phrase with “I understand”. In a similar example, if your partner would reply to you with:

“I understand how you feel right now. Let’s talk about what will make you feel better.”

That line right there:

makes you feel heard and validates your emotions.
keeps you in the now, addressing the problem with the present moment.
opens up the opportunity to find a solution.

No, Don’t

The wicked stage of denial. A lot of people might say: “No, means no.” And that’s true when it comes to stuff like wanting to have sex or wanting to watch a movie together. However, the usage of the word, “No” or “don’t”, while your partner is trying to say affirm something, can lead to further arguments.

For example:

No, next time, don’t assume what I want for dinner.

You see, when you say it this way, you’re basically trying to force your partner into behavior that might not come naturally to them. And we all know that forcing doesn’t go well with our primordial nature. Have you ever noticed how upset a kid can get when you say to them, “no” or “don’t”. It’s too demanding and it will make your partner feel like you’re not willing to negotiate.

So, instead of saying “no” or “don’t”, try saying, “maybe” and “try”. In the example above this would translate to:

Maybe next time, try asking me what I want for dinner.

The word “maybe”, will put your partner in that comfortable position of possibilities. By you saying maybe, they will feel like there are other options that they could act on in the future, instead of the one they have taken at the moment. And using the word “try”, you’re reassuring them and actually encouraging them that they could give it another shot.

I and mine

When you’re in a relationship, you’re creating a world together. You’re sharing a common love, thus a common vision, thus a common life. But when you’re arguing and one of you throws the word, “I” or “mine” out there, you’re making the other feel like they are alone in this. Let’s see this here:

This is my life. I get to decide what to do with my career, not you.

By expressing in this type of way you’re saying to the other person that whatever you have built together, doesn’t matter to them as much as what they have going on for themselves. This will inevitably make them feel lonely and abandoned in the relationship.

To avoid this, try replacing “I” and “mine” with “us” and “ours”. So, in the example above this would sound something like this:

This is our life together. It’s up to us to make this decision.

What you’re doing here, is you’re making your partner feel involved in the conversation. You’re giving them equal importance as yourself about something that might have to do only with you. But understand, that whatever decision you take, affects both of you. So, when you use, “us” and “ours”, you’re emphasizing that. You’re letting your partner know that you respect their opinion about this decision and that you will be there for each other in case things don’t fall through.

Takeaway

Being in a relationship is hard. However, equipped with the right tools and information, you can stick it out together in the long term and maybe even live happily ever after. Remember to not use certain words when you’re talking to each other. Words that trigger past traumas, incite rage, assume orders, or reinforce selfishness.

Read this article to learn how to never get stuck in a dry conversation.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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