This Is the Only Expectation You Should Have for Other People

I recently had a conversation with my childhood friend who got married a few years back about something he has been frustrated with for a long time. He told me that he needed council on how to exert his power over his wife.

I naturally asked why he wanted to do that to which he replied that his wife doesn’t seem to recognize that his needs have to be served. He went on to give an example of when he comes back from work very tired and his wife has not cooked food because she claims she was tired.

This is why he told me he needs to find a way to make her more submissive.

As much as I would have loved to give him advice that helps him get his dominant power, I couldn’t find any that speaks to my values as a human being, and also I have sisters… If any of them were to meet a man who wants that out of them, it would never sit well with me and I do not want to think about what I would do to such a person.

The toxic expectations that we place of people

Many cultures around the world have intentionally or unintentionally trained men to treat women poorly for the lack of a more emphatic word.

In my culture, for example, women are expected to kneel while greeting especially when greeting men. This is something that has never sat well with me nor my sisters. For them, they found a loophole around it since it is not necessary to kneel when greeting in English so they use English when they know it will be awkward for them to kneel down.

This is however a very normal thing in my culture that most women don’t even think should be changed at all. And trust me there were and there still are practices that are much worse than just kneeling.

I have struggled to reconcile these unhelpful expectations with my values. I never want anyone to ever kneel before me ever. I also want to take an active role in improving the way I look at women and the expectations I am supposed to have for them.

During our conversation, when my friend found out that I was having a different opinion about exerting his dominance on another human being, he found a convenient time to slot in the idea that I was not western and this was my culture as well.

To think that western cultures are immune to these toxic expectations is quite politely not true. The issue of trying to create healthy relationships with people is not a western ideal or an idea of any single culture alone. It is a human ideal.

I am not asking much when I tell people that I do not want to carry their expectations so why would I be mad when another person tries telling me the same thing.

When I expect someone to do something for me, a part of my happiness becomes attached to the outcome of that person’s response. If they do what I asked, then I will be happy, but if they don’t, or if they do not do it to my satisfaction then I will be really sad, or frustrated, or whatever negative emotion will best express my dissatisfaction.

Putting your expectations on other people will always disappoint you because those people will always do what’s best for them. If you expect your wife to cook food for you because you are really tired and you demand a good meal, then it is your fault for getting butt hurt when you return and find that she didn’t cook anything.

Quite frankly, these are stupid constructs. You have to realize that your wife is also a person with feelings, goals, dreams, and ambitions. She did not come to earth to serve you. You are not that important to demand service from another miracle of individualized consciousness like you.

When you think that your wife is supposed to submit to your will, you will sooner or later be disappointed when her will experts its own authority.

Cultures and other human constructs

Cultures are notoriously at the forefront of pushing unhealthy practices as a way of life.

Many people prioritize culture and unhelpful human constructs over the lives of people they claim to care about. A friend of mine got cut off from her family because she refused to marry a guy that her family had arranged for her to marry.

Why in the world would you sacrifice your own child’s wellbeing over some cultural practice that you very well know is not good for her.

Many of the cultural practices served our ancestors in ways we know nothing about. Maybe many of them were dubious plots to help male ancestors get their way with women yet we cling to them as if our lives depend on them.

I think it is healthy to operate within regulations to some degree because sometimes, there are helpful constructs that we can actually use to navigate our lives. But constructs that are meant to oppress people in any way are extremely suspicious and I try to stay away from them.

The only expectation you should have when it comes to other people

When it comes to other people, you can always count on the fact that they will do whatever is best for them

So when creating expectations, you should create them only when they serve the other person too.

If you create expectations for the other person that are meant to serve you or oppress them in any way, it is a guarantee that you are going to be disappointed sooner than later. This is because you are projecting your will onto the will of another person and the only way for both wills to have harmony is if the cause favors both of them otherwise, they are both going to have less than ideal results.

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Stop trying to impose your dominance on other people. It doesn’t serve any of you but worse still, it does more damage to you than it does to the other person.

Your happiness is your responsibility and losing it will be your fault if you are expecting people to do things for you that don’t give them some form of satisfaction.

Your expectations for other people should only exist if they are moving the other person’s agenda forward as well and if you do not know what that is and if you can’t figure out how your expectation is genuinely good for the other person, then stay away from it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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