When They Served You Crumbs and You Wonder Why You’re So Hungry

You can learn a lot from a random text.

They’ve been feeding you lies they probably don’t even know they’ve been telling. You were aligned once, but they dropped out a while ago. You’re always hopeful when you get the message. Maybe they changed their mind and reconsidered you as their person.

They keep paying attention at the precise moment you wonder if they’ve forgotten about you — or you start to forget about being with them. Then, guess who’s coming to dinner? Let’s eat tacos, you say. You’re ready to eat. Except they only offer an appetizer.

Breadcrumbing is a new term for leading someone on. They lean in for a while, then back off. They drop in occasionally with a little something to catch your interest.

They might flirt or be suggestive. Or they send random information. But they’re not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. You know this because that’s all they give you.

Someone who breadcrumbs leads you on by dropping small morsels of interest — an occasional message, phone call, date plan, or social media interaction. These happen sporadically and usually don’t have any followthrough. — Crystal Raypole, healthline.com

You’ll eventually figure it out, and it won’t be as tragic as you imagined. People you thought were enlightened are just the average fucked up person like anyone else. Isn’t it refreshing to know the truth? Now you can enjoy a tasty meal instead of waiting for them to bring you more someday.

There probably will never be a someday. I had a boyfriend who told me “someday” we’d get married. Someday we’ll be a couple. He lives in rural Alaska, and I’m here in Oregon. We haven’t spoken in over a decade.

“Someday” was his way of leading me on — breadcrumbing me — because he kept engaging long after we were through.

With lunar eclipses and energy shifts, you might get lurkers, ex-whatevers, or would-be lovers revisiting your space. ’Though the moon may be shrouded, she always shines with help from the sun.

I don’t need a lurker. I don’t want someone popping in whenever they feel like revisiting the idea of us. Either you’re all in, or you can find the exit.

We can be friends as long as we both determine what that means. Don’t drop a suggestive comment every couple of months. That’s not friendship. That’s breadcrumbing.

During my revelation, I saw a pattern from others who’ve done it before. They kept me hanging on when they couldn’t choose to be “all in” or leave. I don’t care if it was subconscious. I deserve more than them stringing me along. Now I’m ready to stop participating in my starvation.

Here’s what I wanted to say when I realized what they were doing.

How did it feel when you fell off that pedestal? I hope it didn’t hurt too much. It was worth seeing you as a flawed human with relationship issues like the rest of us. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stick around. I’m too hungry to grab a tiny tease of a bite when I know I need a meal.

I’m not as naïve as you think. I can feel the difference between mutual attraction and attention-seeking. I notice when you don’t respond with matched enthusiasm and interest.

When crickets chirp for weeks or months, then you slide into my messages, baiting me with a link or stupid meme, I see what’s up. I know when you’re fishing or breadcrumbing me.

Maybe you don’t know that I only accept full meals these days. I don’t even eat fish. I deserve better than a cheap snack every so often.

…

Don’t let others fool you into believing your past dictates the outcome of your present relationships. You might be used to starvation, but that doesn’t mean you can’t eat everything now. Don’t let them trick you into accepting only tiny morsels of attention.

Don’t respond if they’re unwilling to nourish your relationship. You don’t need half measures and convenience foods. Let them prove themselves to you. Don’t accept anything less than their full attention when you’re together.

I never used to say anything like that. But I wasn’t aware of how often people have breadcrumbed me. And frankly, I’m too hungry to fuck around anymore. I’m tired of being alone and having a person tease me into believing they’ll keep me company on this journey.

Now I recognize my hunger is valid and not available for anyone to manipulate. If someone isn’t willing to feed your soul, let them go.

Like a lunar eclipse, your darkness is ephemeral. There’s a magical light being inside of you. Prepare to treat her with dignity and respect. She’ll be hungry when she emerges. Feed her.

Remember, you’re worthy of a feast. You deserve to eat well tonight and every night. So when someone offers you crumbs, tell them, “No thanks. I’m busy cooking a hearty meal for two. And it’s not for you.”

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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