You Get What You Give

Life is not an event to watch. It is a journey to experience. If one’s mode is to wait until good fortune comes their way because they deserve it, because they need it, because they seek it, good fortune may never come. Even if rewards unearned arrive they won’t be fulfilling.

People don’t care what you seek, deserve, or need. People care what they want.

It’s a paradox. You are people too. You too want to receive. You care about what you want, just like others. Why can’t you get the same thing others want? Counterintuitively you can achieve what you want by not doing it for yourself but by doing it for others.

The difference is perspective. The perspective that is different between what you get and what other people get is whether one is the giver or the receiver.

Change your perspective. Give to receive.

As the receiver you get, as the giver you don’t get.

The bonus of giving is the need to receive something back from others and life itself fades away. Giving has its most powerful benefit in changing you the giver, changing how you feel about yourself, changing your need to receive. You affect you. The act of giving to others becomes a gift to oneself. That gift is, in the end, all one needs.

Over the years I’ve mentored incarcerated at-risk kids. I had been working with this one boy for several weeks developing a bond. Most times we played cards, chess, checkers, pool, or worked on his schoolwork. During these times we’d converse, mostly superficial passing the time without pressure or compulsion to solve a problem or resolve a dispute. Other times we would go deeper into his situation, his past and how he got to where he was, his future and how he might get there. These discussions were focused on him, helping him in whatever way the moment presented.

One day as we were going deeper he stopped me and asked, “why do you do this; why are you here helping me?” Indirectly, he was asking me what was in it for me. Why was I bothering to come to see him every week? The manner in which he asked and the dialog we had been having made me think he felt unworthy. It was sad in a way but profound in that he initiated such a deeper conversation. It was as if we went deep talking about him and then he doubled down and came back right at me to go ever deeper. It was a connection point.

My manner with the kids was to always be honest and transparent.

Initially to his question I gave him the standard answer.

I was there to give back to the community, to him specifically by sharing my own life lessons from raising my own boys with those who might benefit from my engagement. Very simply I went to these sessions to make that day, that evening, and those moments for the kids a little brighter, or at a minimum a little different to break up their monotony. If, in the process, a kid got something out of our time together that was a bonus. It wasn’t a need of mine.

Then I gave him the real answer. I was there helping him because it was helping me. I felt better about myself by helping him. That’s it at the core.

Honestly, I have learned so much from these kids. About life and about myself. They expanded my perspective, understanding, and compassion. They have truly given me much more than I may have incidentally given them.

Ironically, giving has become selfish.

Be selfish, feed yourself by feeding others. You’ll never go hungry.

“…give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” -Luke 6:38

“The heart that gives, gathers.” -Tao Te Ching

If one desires to receive one must first give. This is called profound understanding. -Tao Te Ching

“Happiness is not having a lot. Happiness is giving a lot.” -Buddha

“If you light a lamp for somebody, it will also brighten your path.” -Buddha

“The more completely we give of ourselves, the more completely the world gives back to us.” -Buddha

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Previously Published on medium

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