Life is messy, relationships are messy, but love—we believe it’s still the greatest goal.
I feel as though a lot of people who read my articles are under the impression that I am suggesting eventually someone is going to come into their life and every puzzle piece will simply pop into place. Doves will fly out from behind you, a chorus will follow you around on every date, you will find a bag with 10 million dollars in the street, which you will use to move to Pleasantville, USA.
Sorry, it doesn’t work that way, and I never claimed that it did.
Life is messy. Relationships are messy. I have said in past articles that Love is not all you need.
You need mutual respect, compromise, sacrifice, understanding, the willingness to work at it and stand by him or her when times get rough. You need to be willing to be by their side not only during the bright days but also during the dark ones. To encourage them to become the best version of themselves, but also to love and accept them as they are today.
To be under the impression that the perfect person will come along, is to be under the impression that relationships do not take work. When, in fact, no relationship has ever worked without work itself.
When I look around at my parents, grandparents, or other couples who have been together for decades – I am often surprised by how different they are from each other. None of them will tell you that they have been married for 30+ years because the pieces just fell into place. None of them will tell you that they are free from fights, disagreements, or conflicts.
None of them will tell you that they will stay together forever because, hey, it’s easy. None of them will tell you that they pledged their life to the other because being with them is sunshine and rainbows every single day.
But, that’s the thing about love. When you love someone – when you really love someone, it’s not a matter of convenience. It’s not only something you feel when times are good, it is the very foundation of staying together when times are not as good. When they are bad. When life is tough.
That’s when you pull those you love closer, not push them away. It’s the cornerstone of your willingness to fix something you might feel is broken instead of just throwing it away.
You are committing to someone’s whole self. You are not just committing to them under the condition that they stay young and beautiful – because they will not. And neither will you.
You are not just committing to them until someone better comes along – you are committing to the idea while neither they nor your relationship is perfect – this is the person you want to be with. You are committing to their very being. To the idea that the two of you are the consistent center and your circumstances simply orbit around you.
You do not commit to someone because things are perfect, you commit to them in spite of the fact that they’re not.
Commitment is not just an arbitrary word to be found in the dictionary. It is not just a statement of temporary monogamy. It is a pledge, a vow, a way of living that embodies honor and integrity. A promise to support and love your partner—in the moment and in the future. Commitment is not a rule, or a regulation— it is an action.
Commitment is not the act of losing your freedom; but exercising it to choose who you want to give your most valuable gifts to:
Your time, your emotions, and your heart.
Sorry, you’ll never find the perfect person. But, you will find the right person, once you realize that the two do not have to be the same.
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Whether you’re talking about romantic relationships or non-romantic ones, even healthy relationships aren’t perfect in the long run. But it’s not about perfection, it’s about understanding that even when relationship issues arise, the emotional connection you have with others is still worth it.
Originally appeared at JamesMSama.com
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Here are some examples of actions that show commitment:
- Make time to do things with your partner, even when you are busy or under stress. You don’t have to *always* put your partner first, but you need to prioritize them at least some of the time.
- Remember things that are important to you partner. This starts with truly understanding the things that are important to your partner that may not be important to you.
- Make a point of remembering the good times the two of you have shared. “Remember when” is always a great conversation starter between people in love.
- Celebrate traditions that are important to your partner. Sometimes these are big, like holidays and anniversaries. Sometimes they are little, like how they take their coffee or how they like to sleep. Remember them *because* they are important to your partner!.
- Keep promises that you make to your partner. The foundation of trust.
- Try to make our time together special. Laughter, shared experiences, opening up in new ways, learning more about your partner with true curiosity.
- Speak kindly about your partner to other people. Always.
- Let you partner know that you value your relationship.
- Tell you partner you want the relationship to last.
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You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
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You might also like these from The Good Men Project:
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Also by James Sama:
Actions Speak Louder Than Words: 12 Ways Men Show Love
7 Reasons Why Kindest People are the Strongest
The Gentleman’s Guide to Dating: How to Be a Man in a Sea of Boys
Photo: iStock
Relationships offer profound companionship and shared experiences that deeply enrich life. They provide unique opportunities for personal growth, mutual support, and navigating challenges together. Ultimately, genuine connections foster a sense of belonging and contribute significantly to overall happiness and well-being.
Care to tell us WHY relationships are worthwhile?
That is in the subtitle. There is no why given anywhere in this story. At least, I didn’t see it.
It isn’t a self evident fact, so you must explain what makes it worthwhile, especially in a world where half (or more I hear its 70% in Belgium) of marriages end in divorce.
If I had put the same effort in my relationship as I put in reading this article,I would not be single..
I am struggling with this right now. My girlfriend has manic episodes and she is prone to depression. I love her very much but I worry about my own wellbeing and positivity. Never is it a good day for her. She always has some physical pain or stress in her life. She looks for stress. She is a first year high school teacher and she says things will be better come summer. She also says things will be better one we move (this summer) and she finds another teaching job. To me, all I see is that she gets her… Read more »
I totally agree with what you said. It feels like what you have said comes from your true experience. My husband and I had our distance relationship as girl friend&boyfriend for 8 years and then we have been married for 7 years after that. And throughout these past 7 years, we have been through so much ups and downs but because of our commitments to each other, because of our vows, we overcame those difficult times. And when we foregave each other and accepted each other, we grew to love and appreciate and respect each other more for the fact… Read more »