5 Great Ways to Totally Own the Libs!

I’ve often been accused of being unkind to my political adversaries — of lacking the compassion so needed in this age of division and anger.

And frankly, it’s true. Sometimes I allow my emotions to get the best of me. My commitment to democracy and pluralism gets in the way of my ability to calmly interact with Trump supporters and QAnon believers.

But since it’s a new year, what better time for a course correction? Call it my New Year’s resolution for 2022 — being nicer to conservatives.

And to demonstrate my commitment to reaching across the aisle, I’m going to go further than merely listening patiently to right-wing complaints. I’m going to offer practical advice about how they can better “own the libs,” which I gather is their top priority nowadays — far more than governing or passing legislation.

I mean, if you’re going make lefties cry, you might as well do it right.

And who better to tell you what will make us really lose it than a member of the club?

And so, here they are, MAGA Patriots: five fantastic ways you too can own the libs.

1. Don’t take any medicine or go to a doctor when you’re sick

If you think liberals love COVID vaccines, wait till you find out how highly we regard things like antibiotics for serious bacterial infections, beta-blockers for high blood pressure, statins for high cholesterol, and insulin for diabetes.

We adore these things. But that’s to be expected because we trust silly scientists and doctors. We don’t fully appreciate — as you do — how they’re on the take, only pushing these things to make money when they could be prescribing Ivermectin for literally all of them.

Ivermectin for colds, flu, cancer, amputations, wisdom teeth extraction, blood clots — all of it.

If you really want to own us good, here’s a tip. Don’t take any medicines for anything. Just take that horse stuff in paste or pill form or as a baked potato topping, and you’ll do fine.

Oh, and make sure to huff lots of nebulized hydrogen peroxide and do shots of colloidal silver. That’s the stuff that’ll turn you blue.

Which is really awesome because not only will it allow you to know who’s a patriot and who isn’t — super helpful in these trying times — but it’ll also drive us libs crazy because now when we talk about making life better for people of color, you’ll be one.

That’ll really scramble our brains. Our heads might actually explode.

But we’re willing to risk it in the spirit of bipartisanship and reconciliation.

So remember, no medicine and no doctor visits — just horse paste and poison. That’ll show us good, and I’m sure you won’t die or anything.

2. Don’t go to school — any school

Confession time, y’all. We lefties really have taken over the schools. From kindergarten to your friendly neighborhood Ph.D. program in post-modernist housekeeping theory, we’ve pretty well conquered the classrooms and campuses of America.

Now, you could try and take them back, but why bother?

What good is school anyway?

As much as it pains us to admit it, everything you need to know is right there in the Bible.

You’ve got your physics (like the sun dancing in the sky — totally believable), your geology (like the Earth being maybe 10,000 years old, tops), your biology (like how Noah lived to be over 900 and how dead people can come back to life) and your child-rearing (like the value of executing disobedient kids).

Scripture has every bit of wisdom that a good American could ever need.

So save your energy for Sundays and daily prayer groups.

Own us libs by renouncing education altogether.

You’ll completely undermine our attempts to teach your kids Marxist Sharia Law and Critical Race Theory and, ya know, math and other useless shit like that. Seriously, teach us a lesson by refusing to take lessons altogether.

I’m sure your kids will still find jobs doing something.

3. Don’t vote — ever

This is a big one. Seriously, don’t vote. We liberals love voting. We actually think of it as what they call a, wait for it…civic duty. Can you believe it? What the hell is a civic duty anyway? It sounds like something involving a Honda, which means it’s Asian, ya know, like a certain thing that’s been goin’ around lately. If you want to own us, reject any duties that aren’t American-made.

And trust me, voting is not a Chevy duty.

It’s a thing pushed by liberals like Stacey Abrams and Michelle Obama. They say the more people who vote, the more likely Democrats are to win. This means, obviously, that the fewer people who vote, the more likely Republicans will. It’s just math y’all! So if you and all your friends stay home, you will totally give Stacey and Michelle a sad.

In fact, if you want to make us libs really crazy, don’t even register.

4. Don’t run for office — any office

I know some of you have been thinking about running for office, especially school board and election commission positions, but why do that, especially now that you’ve taken my advice about not going to school and not voting?

Both are a waste of time and fall under the category of what are called — are you ready for this? — public servants.

OK, first off, let’s face it, it’s just like a liberal to want to see you become servants, which is just a slightly more PC word for slave. Democrats were the party of slavery, as you never tire of reminding us, and here we are, encouraging people to run for office so they can once again be controlled.

Don’t fall for it. Don’t let us own you. Own us by spurning public office altogether.

Not only will you avoid being “treaded on” — which we know is important to you (it’s right there on your pretty yellow flag) — but you’ll get to have more fun on the other side of the community meetings, yelling at all the liberal officeholders who totally enslaved ourselves by running unopposed.

And let’s face it, yelling at liberals is way more fun than having to sit through boring meetings and follow Robert’s Rules of Order and pass laws and stuff, amirite?

And finally (and this is the biggest one of all):

5. Don’t procreate

Whitney Houston sang “I believe the children are our future,” but of course, she would think that because even though she did that super-patriotic Star-Spangled Banner during the 1991 Super Bowl amid the first Gulf War, she was a big musical and Hollywood star, and we know Hollywood only lets you become a big star if you’re a lib. Ask Scott Baio.

So if Whitney believed in kids, and Whitney was a lib, then it’s all the more critical that you spurn childbearing altogether. Keep the ones you have, I guess, but no more.

Liberals are all about children. That’s why we push things like the expanded child tax credit.

We like kids so much we try and make it easier for parents to raise them — cheaper, for instance, and with better health care coverage or affordable college. What kind of evil scheme is that? Don’t play into it.

If you really want to kneecap the child tax credit thing and save the nation millions of dollars, don’t have any more kids who would benefit from the credit!

Plus, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.

It’s not something we libs are proud of. In fact, lots of us are pretty upset about it, but you might as well know.

That whole pedophile ring run by Jeffrey Epstein (not dead) and Obama (body double), and Hillary (vampire)? Totally real. So if you want to keep the Satanic cabal from possibly kidnapping your children and harvesting their adrenochrome, there’s only one sure way to do it — to bring down the blood-sucking lizard people once and for all.

Don’t. Have. Kids. No matter how much liberals go on and on about how great they are and how we should listen to them, like Greta Thunberg.

Cut off their meat supply right at the source.

No kids. Ever. Don’t even have sex — it’s too risky.

. . .

So, to review, no meds or docs, no school, no ballots, no running for office, and celibacy, in roughly that order.

Y’all need to keep your eyes on the prize, which means doing the opposite of whatever liberals and leftists value. That’s how you show real allegiance to your tribe.

So leave the learning, the good jobs, the voting, the policymaking, the fucking, the future-generation making, and the staying alive to us.

Owning the libs is more important, and although we’ll be jealous of all the meme-making fun you’re having, somehow, I suppose we’ll manage.

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This post was previously published on Tim Wise’s blog.

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