How My Daughter’s Abandoned Prom Dress Can Improve Your Relationship With Your Partner

My daughter’s prom dress is a beautiful satiny midnight blue. However, it hangs lonely and devoid of purpose in my closet.

When we went shopping for the dress, it was a monumental event. As a mother whose daughter’s happiness is priority number one, I was as excited about the experience as she was.

First, we scoured the big department stores. Then we went to the “specialty” shops. Hundreds of beautiful dresses. Sequins. Glitter. Strapless. Halter neck. Mermaid. Ballgown.

You name it. My daughter saw it and tried it on.

I’m a Vegas girl, so I tried to sway my daughter into an Oscar-worthy show stopper. Because of her innate kindness, she was kind enough to try on Mama’s picks (which were complete “no-goes” by the way).

However, after a full day of the princess treatment, my daughter’s last request was to return to the very first department store we went to.

When we did, she ran straight to the prom section and grabbed the beautiful ballroom dress that originally wowed her. Into the dressing room. Out to the mirror. Smiling as if she were Aphrodite, she looked at me and said, “I knew it was the one.”

Unfortunately, little did she or I know this dream dress would never be worn.

The story of why she’ll be sitting in jammies a month from now, scrolling Instagram instead of sporting the scarlet lipstick we picked out for that special night, is one I think all of us can learn from.

The story

My daughter knew what she wanted in a dress.

Simple. Refined. Elegant.

And she wouldn’t change her mind no matter how hard I tried to sell my glitz and glam style.

I was proud of her strength of will, but I was more proud of her two weeks later when she decided she wouldn’t be wearing the dress.

My daughter had begun to feel that the young man she agreed to go to the prom with had expectations she wasn’t ready to fulfill. For example, when she accepted his invitation, it was a casual “we’ll go as friends” situation. However, young Romeo emerged as soon as the prom dress was purchased.

At first, my daughter was quietly pleased. He was handsome and sweet. Nevertheless, as time passed, he began to try to monopolize her time. She’s an introvert, so that made the behavior especially troublesome. Though she gently emphasized they needed to take it slowly, her words fell on deaf ears. He wouldn’t give her the space she needed.

So, she texted him a breakup letter that immediately dissolved her chances of attending the prom. (She’s only a sophomore.)

And no, I wasn’t angry at the three hundred plus dollars I shelled out for the magical affair. Why? Because the truth was that day, I saw my daughter’s true strength. A woman who knew her needs and refused to have them ignored.

Can you say the same?

I hope so.

Lessons you can learn from my teenage daughter

Don’t let other people decide what you do.

This is your life. It doesn’t matter what others think if your instinct and knowledge tell you otherwise. For example, if your friends tell you he’s not your type, but your heart tells you something different, trust the heart.

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” — Rudyard Kipling

Set non-negotiable boundaries by determining what you want and need in a relationship.

Knowing your boundaries is essential if you’re hoping to determine if the relationship will work.

The Center for Growth suggests thinking about how you would complete the following statements.

“I have the right to ask for…”
“To protect myself, it’s okay for me to…”
“To prevent anxiety or depression, I need…”
“[Partners] may not…”

Write these answers down. Keep them somewhere you can refer back to them. More importantly, use them to determine the strength of your relationship, areas in which discussions are needed, and answers about whether dissolving the relationship is necessary.

Think twice before choosing to wear the prom dress.

We like quick fixes. They make us feel good. They help us avoid conflict.

If we’re in a long-time relationship or embarking on new love, we see the roses, compliments, status, or security these partnerships provide.

However, we don’t always consider if the conditions required to make the relationship work are worth it. For example, do our partners expect us to act or dress a certain way? Do they expect us to subscribe to their values and philosophies even if they differ from ours? Do our partners have unrealistic expectations of us or criticize us for wanting to explore new paths in our lives? Do they want us to settle into the lifestyle they want instead of encouraging us to be ourselves, try new things, or expand our horizons?

And it’s so easy to walk the path of least resistance. To choose the immediate “win.” The one that makes everyone happy (for the moment), the decision whose benefits are immediate (not long lasting), and the actions that will avoid conflict, stress, or anxiety (momentarily).

But the question you need to ask yourself is whether the prom dress and short-lived “fairy tale” are worth making sacrifices that will last long after the final slow dance.

The bottom line:

Sometimes my daughter’s eyes well over with tears when she thinks about the prom dress that will never be worn and the magic that won’t occur for her on prom night.

But she made the right choice.

The choice to go with her intuition, accept nothing less than the respect she deserves, and understand her future happiness is worth more than one magical moment that will disappear at the stroke of midnight.

So let’s not sell ourselves short or hand ourselves over to someone condition free. Let’s screw the prom dress.

Let’s not think of the glories of the ball but whether there’s a happily ever after at the end of the situation.

Because the happily ever after is really all that matters.

*Subtitle quote by Nicolas Sparks

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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