When you decide to walk away from a 30-year relationship, there are lots of questions to ponder. The moments of clarity and relief that I am finding have been so surprising and unexpected.
My heart had told me that there would be tremendous grief if our marriage ever came to this, but in this experience, I am not finding that to be true. What I am finding are all these seemingly small things that somehow became more important than I ever realized before.
Act One: The Ask
Finding beauty in the world has always been my reset button from the hard spaces I have traveled. Anyone who knows me well knows that tulips are my favorite flowers with their delicate petals that reach earnestly for the blue spring skies. Living in the south, tulips are not a tremendously practical flower to grow because the quick warm-up to summer is deadly to their fragile beauty.
But one thing we have here in the south is hydrangeas. These lovely bushes are easy to grow in our part of the south. They have lovely large bunches of watercolor flowers. You can play the PH levels in the soil and create different hues of flowers. They really are an artist’s dream.
When we bought our first house over two decades ago, I was so excited. Even before we purchased the house, the yard was scouted for the right sun and shade mix for my very own hydrangea bush.
“Look! Right there will be perfect! Morning sun; afternoon shade and I can see it from my kitchen windows. It’s perfect!” I exclaimed bouncing with an intensity that even Tigger would envy.
“Huh? Perfect for what???” he inquired.
“My hydrangea bush. Our very own hydrangeas! If we plant it now, we may get blooms in the summer!”
“I don’t want that old lady bush in my yard.”
And that was it—no further conversation.
We lived in the house for over six years and I once saw the desired bush on sale near my birthday. I gently teased that I really wanted one and it would be a terrific gift. He rolled his eyes and walked away.
Act Two: Asking Again
Fast forward the tape about 13 years. We relocated and bought a new house. It’s in a rural community so our yard has lots more room than our first house.
“Hey! Look at all this yard! That back corner would be a great place for a few hydrangeas!”
“We have discussed this. I told you I don’t want those old lady bushes in my yard.”
I didn’t give up quite as easily this time, so I explained how much I love them and how in truth, I do most of the yard work.
“I don’t want those damn bushes in my yard. Not going to ever happen. End of story.”
Now before you feel sorry for him or think there must be some painful back story to his hatred of these bushes, there isn’t. I thought maybe there was more to this, so I have inquired. I even asked his mom just to be sure I wasn’t missing anything.
He just doesn’t like them. And since he doesn’t like them, no one should like them. Even planting them in the far back corner of the yard away from all the major view shed was a hard no from him.
Act Three: Why Does this Matter? It’s Just a Stupid Bush
People disagree about things with their partner or spouse all of the time. So what does a seemingly stupid conversation about a bush in our yard have to do with the end of our marriage?
The lack of negotiation is truly astonishing as I rethink this whole issue. I expressed what I wanted and he said no and that was the end of round one. No space for compromise. No consideration about how we could both win in this space. Was there a different place we could have planted it that it would be less prominent? Could we have agreed to keep it pruned so it didn’t overwhelm our small yard? He said no and that was the closure of the matter.
The other shocking thing in this is how when I brought it up almost 13 years later, he was truly upset that I revisited a matter that he had already settled. It mattered enough to me to bring it back to the table. My interest had no place in the decision. Clearly, our problems ran much deeper than I had understood. His mind was made up and I was treading on thin ice to even ask. This is not a partnership.
Finally, in the grand scheme of life, a bush in the yard is not a big thing. These bushes are not a significant investment. They run less than $40 at the local big box lawn and garden store. When I think about how I love the people in my life, I try to start with a yes for things that they need or want whenever possible as long as what they are seeking doesn’t violate a personal boundary or my ethics or the cost is not outside my ability to afford it. In fact, I actively seek ways to bring joy to those in my life.
Yikes! There’s a Pattern
These are the moments that are truly the hardest. When I come face-to-face with the reality that I have given everything I am to this man for three decades, he is willing to flat-out deny something so simple that would bring me so much joy without even a second thought.
As these revelations unfold before me, I suddenly see a dozen other times that there was a simple request that was denied, often harshly, for no other reason than he saw no need for it or just didn’t want whatever it was. My wants and needs were rarely part of his consideration.
Relationships require negotiation. Giving care and attention to the things that are important to your partner or spouse is essential. If they are still bringing up something 15 years later, it matters to them. If they matter to you, take a moment to consider how you can best meet them in this area.
This part doesn’t have to be hard, it just requires attention and a willingness to be flexible. Really, if you love someone — why would you choose to deny them joy if you could easily provide it?
In the end, would a hydrangea bush have saved this marriage? Would his thoughtful consideration of allowing something that brings me immense joy and costs him practical nothing have made me stay a while longer? Who knows really? He should probably think about that but I won’t be pondering it any longer.
By the time next summer rolls around, you will find me joyfully tending to the hydrangea garden, which will undoubtedly be the first investment in my new home.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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