Do you ever feel you’ve tried everything with your child but nothing works? Are you exasperated by misbehaviors that keep manifesting? Concerned that misbehavior will become a permanent trait of theirs?
You must have tried everything that doesn’t work.
One thing, in particular, works though. And if you’re not doing it now, you’re making a big, common mistake.
Don’t you want to learn what that is?
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Why Children Act Out and Our Reactions Don’t Help
Children act out when there’s a storm inside of them.
When they struggle with something, with anything, they have an instinctual reaction.
If that reaction got them what they wanted — the toy, the parent’s attention, etc. — they’ll keep using it.
Same if they don’t know or can’t think of another way to react.
Parents know them enough to tell when something will make them blow out.
Even those who’ve never read a parenting book in their lives can say “oh, he’s acting out cause he’s tired” or “she needs a snack or she’ll turn into a dragon anytime soon.”
But because we often see misbehavior coming, we’re tempted to resort to some default actions.
We tell them to stop when they hit the dog. We threaten to take them home when they grab another child’s toy. Things like that.
We react to their struggles by telling them to just stop or threatening we’ll make them stop.
Can you see the disconnection between the misbehavior’s cause and our reaction?
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The Mistake We’re All Guilty of, at Least From Time to Time
Sometimes, we’re too overwhelmed to contain our children’s big emotions.
When they start acting like spoiled little brats, we snap.
Not just because our plate is full. Also because we have a history of buried memories when we acted out and our parents snapped. Past events we may not recall left an imprint on us and influence how we react in the present.
When we see them misbehaving, we panic and let ourselves be driven by emotions.
And what do we do? We say things that don’t help at all:
Stop it, damn it.
Fine, do what you want, but don’t come to me crying later.
Mommy is upset, do you want to make mommy cry?
If you keep doing this, I’m going to take you home.
All these approaches may seem different, but at their core, they all embody the big mistake parents are guilty of.
Can you see it?
We tell them what not to do, or what we’re going to do, but never what they should do.
We try to correct negative behaviors instead of teaching positive behaviors.
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Why Everything Else Isn’t Working
These phrases hurt in more ways than not giving direction to our children.
- Stop it, damn it.
Ok, mom, I stop, and then what?
When you tell a child what not to do, you’re forcing them to think extra. They need to think of what it means and what it takes to stop doing that thing. Then, they must come up with something else to replace the thing they’re not supposed to.
Instead of just telling them to stop, we should tell them what to do exactly.
- Fine, do what you want, but don’t come to me crying later.
So, mom, you don’t have my back? Do I have no limits and no safety net?
Independence without boundaries is scary AF for small children. When we use this kind of phrasing, we also tell them we’re willing to remove our love and protection anytime. Thus, we put the child in a state of fear and anxiety that is more likely to make them misbehave.
Instead of “do what you want”, we should stick to “I can’t let you do that.”
- Mommy is upset, do you want to make mommy cry?
Really, mom? Are you going to emotionally blackmail me?
Such phrases are manipulative and make us look weak. Also, they shift the attention from the child’s behavior and emotions to ours. In time, it doesn’t help them show empathy or regulate their emotions. Instead, it pushes them towards codependence.
Instead of telling them how mommy feels, tell them how they’ll feel if they keep misbehaving.
- If you keep doing this, I’m going to take you home.
I’m not buying this anymore, mom.
Interrupting an activity and taking everyone home isn’t in anyone’s best interest. That’s why we usually don’t follow through with such threats. And why our children learn fast to ignore them. The worst part is that we teach the kids to not trust our words in general, not only in these instances.
Instead of making empty threats, choose realistic consequences and stick to your guns.
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So How Do We Correct This Mistake?
By giving our children what they need from us:
- Teach them the socially acceptable behaviors
- Have patience with them while they’re not mentally ready to behave
We must show empathy and the right course.
Our empathy helps the child step back from the fight position.
Regardless of why they misbehave, they expect our negative reaction. When instead of negativity we show empathy, we surprise them. Also, we help them relax a bit.
They’ll be more receptive to what we have to say next, which is step-by-step instructions on how to get what they want in a socially acceptable manner.
If what they want is possible, we tell them what to do to obtain it. If it’s not, we tell them why it won’t happen and provide alternatives.
“I see you’re anxious to get your turn at that swing. You can’t wait any longer, can you? But if you want to have a turn at it, you have to ask the girl nicely: ‘Can I have a turn, please?’”
“I see you want another cookie. You really liked it, didn’t you? If I give you another one, it could hurt your tummy. Let’s see if we can give you something else that makes your tummy happy?”
I know, who has the clarity to think things through?
Not us, and not when our little angel turns into a big monster and makes all the other parents give us the look.
Then again, do we like the alternative?
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Our Children Are the Product of How We Parent
It’s not that we taught them all the wrong behaviors.
Some occur as a result of seeing us. Others as the result of seeing someone else doing it. And many occur because they don’t know any better.
We know better. And it’s our responsibility to model positive behavior by being an example for our children.
Easier said than done, but it doesn’t make it any less true.
Let’s do our best to model positive behaviors instead of trying to correct the negative ones.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
