This week started vulnerably. To be direct about it, my partner and I were in a sexual situation. She was looking amazing and was keen to connect, which is normally awesome but this time it made me feel bad. Well, it or she didn’t, I did. For some reason, I wasn’t feeling it. I wasn’t feeling sexual at all (and that’s not the norm for me).
It was nothing to do with her, it was me over-thinking. I worried that she might be hurt if I confessed that I wasn’t in the mood. That, for some, might sound like an easy thing to do but if you’re like me and have a fear of abandonment trigger and one around the shame of “not doing the right thing”, the thought of upsetting someone has some weight, especially in a situation when you’re, literally, baring it all!
In the past, I would have ignored the feeling and thought to myself, “If you get going you’ll get into it”. Which might well be true however, that’s not my jam anymore as it means suppressing emotions and not being present. So, what did I do?
I took a deep breath and said, “Hey, something has come up for me that’s meaning I can’t be present with you how I’d like to.” (that’s the magical sentence btw — try it). I proceeded to push though the vulnerability feeling, this time it was numbness, and talk to her about exactly what was happening. She reflected that she did feel a bit rejected but also said she knew that it was one of her triggers.
We continued the conversation and then, because of the authenticity, a sense of safety came between us, the energy flowed how it was meant to, and openness and connection blossomed.
It was absolutely beautiful in the end.
Moral of the story? Without vulnerability you can’t build trust because you don’t make opportunities for people to catch you. Which thankfully she did and I her. It’s always a risk but one that always well worth taking. The ability to be open like that comes with practise, use the sentence I mentioned, it really is a game changer.
The rest of the week, work and life stuff happened but that one incident built on the connection between us and it continued throughout the week. We are still vibing on it now tbh!
Hope my lesson helps smooth things for you,
With gratitude,
Adam
For more tools on tips to become better at expressing your emotions download my free e-guide here
Learn to have more intimacy and feel more confident in life by removing limiting beliefs through unlearning your parental and societal conditioning. Find out more here
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash
