5 Things to STOP Doing when You’re Dating

When it comes to dating, it’s easy to fall into repetitive patterns because we often gravitate toward what’s already familiar to us.

So if your dating life isn’t where you want it to be and you constantly find yourself going through the same toxic cycle, I’m here to help.

It’s time to take a closer look at your process, what you’re doing, how you’re meeting people, and most importantly, identify what habits you need to break in order to find a compatible partner. Let’s dive in.

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Are you ignoring your instincts?

You need to stop ignoring red flags because you think they’ll “eventually” go away, or maybe they won’t bother you “that” much when in reality, a red flag isn’t going anywhere and your gut is telling you to run for a reason

If you’re actively willing to look past them, then by all means, dive in and enjoy the problems and heartache, truth be told, you’re doing it to yourself.

A few months ago, a friend of mine found out her boyfriend of nearly two years had cheated on her while she was visiting family out of state.

He’d fallen asleep on the couch, and when she went to wake him up, she noticed Tinder notifications on his phone.

When she told me, the first thing she said was, “I should have known. There were red flags when we first started seeing each other, but I ignored them, hoping I was wrong and that he’d change.”

Trust your instincts and pay attention to the behaviors or actions that make you uncomfortable. It’s better to address these concerns early rather than hope for a different outcome down the line.

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Do you expect the person you date to make you happy?

Newsflash: The person you’re with is not responsible for your happiness.

I’ll be 100% transparent with you and say I used to expect every guy I dated to cater to my every need and make me happy.

And then, I’d get frustrated when they failed to meet my expectations.

“Doesn’t he know that his entire life purpose is to make me absurdly happy?” I’d wonder. I’m kidding. Sort of.

It’s so important to understand that true happiness comes from within and you should never place the burden of your happiness on another person.

You need to focus on cultivating your own joy and well-being, and the person you’re with should complement you and your life rather than define you and your happiness.

And if you struggle with being happy on your own, then take a break from dating.

Focus on building a positive relationship with yourself before adding another human being into the mix.

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Are you up front with your intentions?

When it comes to dating, honesty, and transparency will go a long way.

You need to be straightforward with your intentions and expectations instead of playing mind games in the hopes of the other person figuring out what you want.

Contrary to popular belief, men aren’t mind readers. So if you’re dating a guy and trying to make him guess what you actually want from him, then cut it out and tell him. Be direct. Be bold.

And if you’re a guy and playing games with a girl — grow up. Otherwise, tell her you’re not looking for a serious commitment, or that you just aren’t into her. Stop beating around the bush.

If you’re going to date, then learn to embrace open communication and encourage your partner to do the same instead of messing around and wasting everyone’s time.

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Are you staying true to yourself?

If you hate watching sports and he likes it, stop pretending it’s one of your favorite hobbies.

If you hate going out with her friends because you feel awkward and all they do is gossip, and you feel like it’s a total waste of your time, don’t pretend you like it.

I used to believe that the person I would spend the rest of my life with would be exactly like me — we had to like the same things. We had to listen to the same music and like the same movies. Otherwise, how would we get along? Who would be in control of the remote????

I dated a guy years ago who had a group of friends that I loathed with every fiber of my being, and yet, I always hung out with them, and I always put on a smile.

I would have rather done anything else. Including folding laundry.

Now, I’m dating a guy who is basically the opposite of me. He’s extroverted; I’m introverted. He likes old-school rap; I like audiobooks. He likes documentaries; I like to watch reruns of Friends.

He’s outgoing and friendly; I’m reserved and, from what I’ve heard, unapproachable due to my RBF.

And yet, we’ve been together for almost 5 years and love spending time with each other because we accept each other for who we are and respect each other’s differences.

It wasn’t always like that, and it took a while to get to this point, but I’ve learned that one of the most loving things you can do for your partner is encourage them to be entirely themselves and not try to change them to fit your needs.

Moral of the story: Embrace your authentic self and don’t pretend to like something just to please your partner.

Embrace your differences and find common ground while still honoring your individuality.

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Are you dating the same person?

Speaking of embracing differences, don’t be afraid to go outside of your comfort zone when dating.

It’s easy to fall into a pattern of dating the same type of person repeatedly because you’re so rigid about the fact that you only date guys over 6 feet, and they have to be an athlete or an actor, but growth and new experiences happen when we venture beyond our comfort zone.

Growing up, I thought my ideal guy would be tall, dark, and handsome.

He’d be mysterious and brooding, older than me, and we’d read books all day.

My guy is average height, he’s light-featured, he’s definitely handsome, he does not brood, he’s only two years older than me, and he’s fun and adventurous.

We play frisbee at the beach and go hiking and plan out weekly restaurant trips. We don’t read all day and contemplate what Shakespeare really meant when he said, “The first thing we do is, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

The point is that you should explore different personalities, backgrounds, and interests.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised by the connections you form and the opportunities that arise. I know I was, and to this day, I laugh at my younger self, who was so self-assured about what “my type” was.

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In conclusion —

If you’re looking for a healthy and successful relationship, it’s time to break away from old behavior patterns that have been hindering you from seeing success in your dating life.

To reiterate:

Stop ignoring red flags — they’re there for a reason.
Stop making the person you date responsible for your own happiness.
Stop playing mind games. Be intentional.
Stop changing yourself for the person you’re dating. Stay true to yourself.
Stop dating the same person repeatedly. Go outside of your comfort zone. Take a leap of faith.

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