Whether you have been reading my writing for a while or you found out about attachment theory through another avenue, there is one safe bet I can make.
You can think about a relationship from the past that could have been dramatically different…Only if you knew about attachment theory earlier.
What if you are in a relationship and want to introduce attachment theory and dig into attachment styles with your partner?
Thinking of bringing up attachment theory to your partner can sound problematic or make you feel like you are bringing up an “issue.”
I know, I’ve been there.
A reader asked how she could introduce attachment theory to her partner.
I gave her a short answer but decided it deserved an article.
There are two elements that you have to attack to approach this the correct way.
You have to be an open book, reopen pieces of your past, and know how to approach your partner with the idea.
Sounds simple?
Slow down. Every attachment style approaches this differently. That goes for you and your partner.
Remember, we are not bringing up an “issue.” We are setting the stage for the improvement and development of the relationship.
The Lab
It is hard for someone to receive new information because of the main word in that thought.
New.
Think about new ideas once upon a time in your life.
Uber- getting in a stranger’s car to head toward your destination.
New dating apps-Swiping left and right like online speed dating.
These ideas sounded odd until someone broke them down for you with clear and concise messaging.
Before talking about attachment style with your partner, make sure you do your proper research. Yes, read more than one or two of my articles or other sources you find on the internet.
Okay, that is simple.
It is more complex than that.
You want to develop a message that your partner will receive well. That will work differently depending on their attachment style.
First, you must know your attachment style.
The focus should follow a few main flows, no matter the attachment style.
- You can not come off as someone who sounds accusatory. Don’t play psychologist and diagnose your partner with an attachment style through your research.
- Initially, never talk about how someone else can improve; use “we, us, and our” statements.
- The research and findings have to sound beneficial to the future growth of the relationship. Make it a group project.
What not to do: I read an article about dismissive avoidants, and I think this relates to your behaviors. Read this, and maybe it will show you how to treat me better.
What to do: I’ve been thinking about ways we could grow together because I care about developing our relationship. I’m learning about attachment theory and our connection and discovered elements that relate to us. Can we set aside some time so I can share it with you?
Yes, make it sound less nerdy than that, but you get the idea.
Scantron
Have you ever been at work or sitting with your partner, and someone brings up the idea of taking a quiz?
It could be the polar opposite realm of your interest, but you take the quiz because it is fun to receive information about your personality or astrological signs.
Taking a quiz is the best way to understand your attachment style and dig into what your partner’s is.
We get stuck in this idea that you can only be one attachment style, 100%, nothing else.
The exact opposite is true.
You are a mix of all the attachment styles, whether a small percentage of each with one large one making up the majority of your combination.
The best part about a quiz is that it eliminates the pressure and guilt your partner feels when it comes out of your mouth.
Your partner filled out the answers with no guidance from you.
Attachment style shows itself in behaviors during your relationship, but it is composed of how you perceived relationships in your past.
That is the strength of the quiz; it will expose your partner to that truth.
It is not all about your relationship. It limits your partner’s opportunity to hide because they reflect on a truth that existed well before you.
Tug of war
There is a tough pill to swallow when you learn about attachment style. It is also necessary to know and bloom into the best discovery of your life.
I want you to receive this with all the possible love I can put behind it, although it will sound mean: the issues in your relationship are not unique and personal.
Now, are all the issues in your relationship rooted in attachment style? No.
Are the issues you and your partner deal with generally common but visible in different forms? Absolutely.
That is where attachment style comes into play for an extreme benefit.
I followed an attachment style guru, and when she told stories about the conflict in the dismissive-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied dynamic, I thought this lady had a camera in my apartment.
Once you discover that the trouble you face in your relationship is commonplace, you have a starting point, and it alleviates that embarrassment, and you can begin to do the work.
…
Your partner has to know that they are not in this alone.
Maybe you take a quiz and discover you are 90% secure in attachment style, and your partner is 90% avoidant.
It doesn’t matter. You can speak from a middle-ground starting point or growth.
It is not about who is better.
It is about where you are going together.
…
Dismissive avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
Fearful avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
Anxious: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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