Seven years ago, I was caught up in a relationship that my gut told me was not right. However, I chose to ignore my gut for the majority of the relationship.
“Don’t overreact to how you’re feeling.”
“Don’t think too hard about this.”
“Maybe you’ll want this too in a few years?”
“You don’t want to mess this up.”
These thoughts would be frequent. Eventually, I got into the routine of being in a relationship. We lived about 25–30 minutes from each other so we had a schedule where we exchanged going to each other’s places. Then, we were at a holiday party with some friends. One of my friend’s wives asked me, “Do you love her? Are you going to marry her?”
My response was pretty indifferent which should have been a red flag to me. I convinced myself that some of those things we had that didn’t align were just the phase of life I was in. I thought I would change my mind.
Navigating relationships can be a challenge but you should never stay in it for “someday.” Well, that friend’s wife, after a few drinks, ended up telling her about my response. She did not react at the time but shortly down the road, she started to ask me some of those questions about us. We ended up getting into a fight and I thought we needed to take a break.
It shouldn’t have been a break, it should have been a breakup. After a few weeks of not communicating with her, which was horrible on my part, I called her to say that it was over.
In life, timing can be everything. Especially in how you communicate with people. I didn’t want to communicate with her about how I was feeling because I was afraid of the confrontation. It was a weak move by me and I wish I could have changed it but at least I learned from it.
In hindsight, that relationship shouldn’t have lasted more than a few months. It wasn’t right for me but I had never been in a longer relationship before so I was navigating new waters. Waters that I navigated poorly.
There were a few signs that I should have picked up on before dragging it out until either the inevitable breakup happened, I ended up divorced or died unhappily. Luckily the former is what happened.
You Tip Toe Around Some Topics
When I was with my ex, I tiptoed around the idea of getting married or even the idea of having kids. I did this because I was afraid of the conversation we might have had. It ended up turning me into a people pleaser and I was going along with what she wanted.
My idea of a relationship at that time was to make the other person happy but instead, I didn’t reflect on what made me happy.
When I say happiness, I don’t mean this blissful state that you’re always in. I mean, does the other person genuinely make you a better version of yourself?
Right now, I’m proud to say that I’m happily engaged and my fiancé is the type of person who makes me better. She has a work ethic and drive that motivates me to be the best version of myself. She also knows how to bring me out of my comfort zone and bring me some of the moments that have been the most fun in my life.
Your Relationship Has Felt Stagnant After the Honeymoon Phase
If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know that honeymoon phase well. You feel like you could be with that person forever. Life feels great. You can’t stop thinking about them. Eventually, that honeymoon phase wears off. While the post-honeymoon phase can solidify a relationship, feeling that your relationship has become stagnant afterward is a significant sign it might be time to move on.
Some signs of a stagnant relationship can be:
- Lack of excitement and enthusiasm.
- Minimal effort in communication.
- Absence of personal growth.
- Routine without variation.
- Neglecting each other’s needs.
- Frequent frustration and irritation.
- Lack of mutual goals and interests.
It can become easy to overlook these things. Breaking up isn’t the most fun thing in the world. What’s even worse than breaking up is staying in a relationship too long and then having it crash and burn.
Instead of doubling down and trying to recapture those early stages of the relationship, reflect upon how the relationship is going. Ask yourself why you are acting the way you are acting.
Our subconscious doesn’t give us a clear answer all the time. Try to make those answers more clear.
One of the things that I love about my fiancee is that she inspires me to be a better version of herself through witnessing her work ethic. She has a drive for success that I want to live up to.
You Feel Obligated To Stay
If you feel trapped or suffocated in your relationship, it’s essential to take those feelings seriously. Relationships should provide suppose and freedom and not feelings of confinement or a desire to escape.
In my previous relationship, I was starting to cherish all the time that I had to myself. I didn’t want to respond to texts. The days that I was going to see her and her family felt like a chore to me.
Those days when I would see her family, I didn’t look forward too. I didn’t feel much connection to them. I felt like I was going to always be the guy who was outside of their family and not be welcomed inside. Whether or not they thought that way of me, that’s how I felt and that was going to tamper with building any future relationship with them.
If you feel that you are obligated to stay in a relationship, this is a major red flag. You should want to be in a relationship with someone. While there are ups and downs with every relationship, if this feeling lasts for an extended period, it’s time to reconsider your options.
You’re Giving All The Sacrifices
“When we get married, we’re going to see my parents every weekend.”
This was a quote from my ex. I think this was the final nail in the coffin for me. The thought of having to sacrifice my life and time every weekend to go spend it with her parents (and holidays) felt like a death sentence to me.
I could see the look in her eyes. There was no negotiation with this. I tried to negotiate a little bit with it but she started to get defensive like I was attacking her parents.
There will always be sacrifices in a relationship. Your partner could get a lifetime opportunity with a job and you have to move with them. Your partner may have goals that they want to accomplish and it may require them not spending as much time with you as you would like.
These kinds of sacrifices are important to make in a relationship but if one side is making all the sacrifices and the other is not, you’re doomed. You will always play second to their needs and eventually become resentful of them.
If you’re in a relationship where you feel like you’re making all the sacrifices, have that conversation. It will be hard. You won’t know how your partner will react to it. Also, choose your words carefully and try to remain calm. If you have to, write out what you want to say first and make sure everything you’re going to say makes sense from their perspective. Provide some evidence as well of what sacrifices you’ve made.
These conversations can be a make or break for a relationship and create personal growth.
First, it teaches you how to deal with confrontation if you’re not comfortable with it. Your partner may also point out some blind spots with sacrifices they made that you never noticed. There’s no way to predict how these conversations will go and that is the frightening part about them.
Your Lives Aren’t Compatible
Over time, people grow and evolve, and sometimes, they grow apart. Timing can be everything in a relationship.
I was at a time in my life when I knew I wasn’t ready to have kids. She wanted to have three kids.
I didn’t know if I wanted to live in the same area for the rest of my life. She never wanted to leave the Chicago suburbs.
Some of these compatibility issues are important to address.
If you don’t address these compatibility issues, one of you will likely become resentful of one another.
You can’t fit a square peg in a round hole.
Assess if your futures and interests align. If they are too far apart, there’s a good chance it will become more difficult to find space for each other if they do not.
Conclusion
Breaking up isn’t easy. One of the worst traps you can put yourself in is overlooking some of the red flags that I wrote about here.
It’s a lot easier to find the wrong partner than the right one. It’s essential to remember that relationships are about growth, mutual respect, and joy. There’s a fine balance between being a great partner and not losing yourself as an individual.
With every relationship, there will be bumps in the road. Taking moments to reflect on how your relationship is going is an essential piece to making sure that you find the right partner for you.
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Accomplishing your goals is a lot easier when you set yourself up for the week. That’s why I started the Setup Sunday Newsletter at Running Relentless. Every Sunday morning I will send out an email on how I am setting myself up for the week and questions you should ask yourself on how you can set yourself up.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Scott Broome on Unsplash
