Men, Want Your Wife to Be “In the Mood” More Often?

Guys, have you ever wondered why the carefree and playful woman you once shared passionate moments with, got married to, and had children with, no longer seems interested in intimate encounters? Perhaps if she does express a desire to ignite something, it might involve throwing your bedsheets into the fireplace, a scenario quite different from your initial expectations of “setting the sheets on fire.”

You’ve heard women moan that many of their husbands leave the bulk of the domestic labor to them. Making the shopping list? Often her job. Deciding what to eat for dinner and cooking it? Yup, that’s often her job too. What about making sure there is clean laundry and fresh clothes folded and ready to go for the next day? Check and check.

And while this is a generalization, it’s sadly a broad one. There are often partner dynamics in which the woman — who may also hold a full-time job outside the house — is responsible for planning, organizing, and executing the bulk of the domestic labor.

Think about your most recent family trip with the kids. Who planned, shopped for, and packed snacks for the trip? Who made sure the laundry was done and packed the kids’ clothing and favorite toys? Was that a load shared equally or did it fall predominantly on her shoulders?

My friend Jeremy (awkwardly and publicly in front of his wife) complained one night while we were all out to dinner that his wife was never interested in getting freaky anymore. Before they had kids, he whined, they had a spontaneous and passionate sex life. Now, “Christine is always too tired,” he said.

(Side note: Sharing personal details like this in mixed company and in front of your spouse to try and shame them into sleeping with you will nearly always backfire.)

Christine, a lawyer who often works 60-hour work weeks, pressed her lips together to keep whatever retort was building inside her and stared down at her plate. Never mind that she adjusts her schedule to shuttle their two boys to football practice and games. Never mind that she stays on top of the laundry for the whole household, as well as the constant cleaning duties that two active young boys and two large dogs bring with them. Never mind that Jeremy often slips out to the garage to work on restoring his classic car while she oversees homework and gets dinner ready at least four nights a week.

I’m not dogging Jeremy, who is a loving dad, and a generally kind guy, but he can be a little dense. Until the kids were 6 and 8, he still called the times he was in charge of taking care of them “babysitting.” As in, “I can’t come to poker night tonight; I’m babysitting the boys.”

Jeremy, my dude. Raising your children is a shared endeavor, and the distinction between “babysitting” and “parenting” is crucial. If a man views childcare as a joint responsibility rather than an occasional duty, it fosters a more equitable division of labor. And when that happens, his spouse feels like she has a partner in her marriage and not one additional thing to manage. Partnership and being on a team with someone capable is sexy.

Feeling like your husband is your third child is not.

If testosterone is the hormone largely responsible for kicking up sex drive and mood regulation in both men and women, it’s worthwhile to note that parents in general tend to have lower levels of testosterone than non-parents, and a man’s testosterone levels further decline when he’s caring for a crying infant. (Perhaps the decreased sex life of new parents is as much about hormonal changes as it is about sleep deprivation and exhaustion.)

When a woman primarily takes on a caretaking role, her hormones undergo a shift to channel all her energy into safeguarding her children. If she senses the weight of shouldering the emotional and domestic responsibilities in her marriage, or jokingly refers to her husband as an additional child, her hormones have probably transitioned from those associated with heightened desire for her husband to those geared towards ensuring tasks are accomplished.

When a man actively participates in maintaining the household environment, it’s more than a gesture of assistance — it’s taking the burden off her shoulders. It’s saying, “I am doing my part, and I am pitching in to take care of us and our life together.” Afterall, he lives there too. He uses those plates or that mug or this towel.

This is the point where many of my guy friends would interrupt that they are the ones who take out the garbage or mow the lawn, and that counts too, and they’re right. But taking out the garbage is a 90-second chore that happens once a week. Separating, washing, drying, folding, ironing, and putting away laundry takes two hours every three days. Emptying and reloading the dishwasher probably happens daily, and figuring out what to eat and then making it definitely does. These chores feel endless.

When men view childcare as a shared responsibility, it strengthens the partnership, making the marriage feel like a true collaboration rather than an additional burden for the woman.

And when a man actively engages in maintaining the household, it’s more than assistance — it’s a meaningful contribution that communicates, “I am taking responsibility and sharing the load.” Recognizing and sharing in these responsibilities contribute to a more balanced and fulfilling partnership for both people, ultimately fostering a sense of teamwork and mutual support in the marriage.

So fellas, if you’d like your lady to “be in the mood” more often, consider taking charge of a substantial portion of the never-ending household chores. Freeing her from the mental, emotional, and physical burdens of repetitive tasks can have a transformative effect, potentially restoring the hormonal balance that fuels desire. By actively participating in shared responsibilities, you might find yourselves setting those sheets ablaze once again, reminiscent of the passionate early days of your relationship.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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