Creating Order From Chaos

The Strategy

One of my greatest gifts is the ability to establish order from chaos. When things are swirling, the chaos is all I can see. My quickest path back to safety is to control everything I possibly can. Lists of things to do get made. Each item on the list is tested against my priorities and values and then sorted by what absolutely has to be accomplished.

My Get Thy Sh*t Together lists are the stuff of legend. Making the list is a ruthless process where anything that is noise or not aligned with my current goals gets eliminated. That is also true for anything that can be a distraction to accomplishing the task at hand. Once everything is written out and decided, the execution is methodical and relentless.

This approach has helped me manage difficult seasons and competing projects successfully for a long time. However, I am learning that while it makes for a good business strategy, it is not so great for relationships.

When things are chaotic or uncertain. this approach attempts to solve the issue by establishing a return to order. If there isn’t a clear path to ending the chaos, I cut and run. I run far and I run fast. There usually is not a return available once I decide that I’m done.

A New Pathway Opens

When my dearest entered my life and we began this incredible journey together, I had already begun dealing with patterns in my life that were no longer serving my purpose. Our relationship began as a grand experiment. We wanted to know what would happen if we told the absolute truth to another person no matter what. We were curious about what happens when you let someone see you at your most vulnerable, raw places. We wanted to understand if that was even possible.

Though we had been friends for more than a year, our connection began in earnest the weeks before everyone went into lockdown for the pandemic in the spring of 2020. At the time, it felt like we would never get a chance to answer all the questions we put on the table.

But instead of it breaking us apart, the lockdown required a level of intentionality in our connection that never would have been possible any other way. The whole world was in chaos that was well outside of my control so just like everyone else, I had to learn what it meant to surrender to living in the present moment because it was all that any of us had for those long, dark months.

The Power of Truth

The gift that level of intentionality gave to me in our growing relationship was the practice of taking a pause when that internal compulsion to run away showed up. Sometimes it was a long pause because I was not willing to dishonor our agreement to be honest with one another by walking away without talking to him. The distance between us created that relationship saving pause more times than I can count.

The deeper lesson that began to develop was at the intersection of trust and truth. In almost every case, the pause helped me to find the ground and focus on what I knew to be true rather than the chaos of whatever was swirling around me.

I learned that there was safety in the truth. It was no longer about trying to control the chaos or to create order from the noisy swirl. Leaning into the truth was enough. The need to run away vanished in the light of shared honesty.

Challenging the Chaos

The past year feels like it has been one constant crisis or some pending doom at every turn. There have been hard spaces for my dearest and me to navigate as individuals and as a couple. In these spaces, I am learning that not all of our storms and stresses are shared between us.

When there are conflicts or challenges with other partners, it is easy to get caught up in the wind and storms. It makes sense when you love someone and they are struggling or hurting that can take a toll on your heart as well. The struggle that comes with loving with an open hand is that in those other relationships, only your partner can resolve what is happening.

And that can be hard for someone like me who loves to create order from the chaos I see in the world. But my Get Thy Sh*t Together list only works for me. That’s not something I can push on anyone else if for no other reason than it is based solely on my values and priorities. Everyone has to create their own if they are so inclined.

As storms swirl around me, my entire body goes on high alert. Though I can’t solve anyone else’s chaos, I do have the ability to address whatever damage their storminess is bringing to my world. However, my skills in this area are ruthless and unbending. That is outside of how I want to be in a relationship with someone I love.

My modus operandi when I can’t calm or control the chaos is to run without looking back. This is not boundary setting. This is not courageous honesty. This is not fearless vulnerability. It does not honor the agreements that I am committed to maintaining in this connection.

So what to do?

A New Strategy

His storms are not mine. I am sailing with him so I get buffeted by the wind and waves of the chaos. That is hard. But when my focus is on the storm I lose sight of the one thing that can make it all easier for me…the truth.

To find my way to truth, I must return to the intentionally that built the foundation of our love and shared life. I must not get swept away by fear and insecurity. There is only one way to do that.

Stand still.

So, I set aside thirty days that will not make any decisions with serious consequences or ramifications. I have done this before in other circumstances. It also me to maintain control by choosing my actions and pathway, while not trying to exert control over anyone else’s choices.

It is a powerful way to create space to first be honest with myself and then be honest with him. It prevents me from reacting to some unfounded panic or fear and making ill-considered choices based on my past hurts.

In my experience, whatever the overwhelm or chaos of the moment seems to be is resolved before that thirty-day mark is reached. By choosing this intentional pause and surrendering my control, the chaos is no longer in control either.

Sometimes, I guess we all just need to take a breath and hold on to the hope that everything will be okay.

…

From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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