A recent observation on my post on LinkedIn by Leanne Williamson about “men listening but not setting about changing things” got me thinking about the source of this.
Most of us understand how openly bullying men create huge negative impacts on the lives of women and non binary folks. Less understood is how there are millions more men who, while supportive of women’s issues, are trapped in the inertia of inaction, caused by these same bullying men.
Men’s inaction on behalf of women in the workplace is cemented in place early in our lives by a bullying culture of masculinity that trains boys via the denigration of the feminine to hide who we authentically are and instead model the narrow conformity of Man Box culture. When boys show too much emotion or need for connection they are confronted with questions like “What are you, a sissy? What are you, a girl?” This policing and bullying happens daily, if not hourly for boys either as targets or perpetrators of such Man Box messaging. And it can go further. The threat of violence is always there for any boy or man who fails to conform.
Decades of this policing and bullying teaches boys and men to hide our authentic emotional expression, connection, empathy, and need for community while also teaching us that girls and women are less. Both Niobe Way, author of Deep Secrets and Judy Chu, author of When Boys Become Boys provide ample research confirming how our culture of masculinity forces isolation and disconnection on boys. It is early in our lives that boys learn to hide who we authentically are.
Along with driving an epidemic of loneliness for men, this “learned hiding” then shows up in men’s personal and professional lives to suppress our active support for women’s equity and advancement. Men’s learned hiding allows men to listen but not to act. It allows men to signal some forms of support for women in the workplace while not taking substantive steps to advance women in any meaningful ways. The privilege and protection our (often white) male identity affords us includes the ability to choose to stay hidden. Women, people of color, LGBTQI folks, immigrants, people of other faiths have no such luxury available to them.
Our collective failure to challenge patriarchal systems and structures in our workplaces is reinforced by what Catalyst Inc. calls combative workplace cultures. It is here that retrogressive men police and bully other men to perform Man Box culture masculinity in the workplace. Which means, the bullying of men to conform to retrogressive Man Box masculinity does not end when we reach adulthood. It never ends. Because of this, it takes an extra effort for men to break through the inertia of our learned hiding and take action to create equity for women in all parts of our lives.
Step one? Notice when we feel free to speak up in support of women and when we do not. Who is in the room with us? What is their view of equity and women’s advancement? Until we, as men, decide to stand up to our past conditioning and those who continue to enforce it, we will fail in our responsibilities to the women and non binary folks in our personal and professional lives. And sadly, too many of us are still sleepwalking through that effort, not even fully conscious of how our bullying masculine culture has suppressed our moral natures.
Time to wake up, gentlemen.
—
Mark Greene conducts his Man Box Choice Point trainings and panel discussions for organizations world wide. Mark is the author of The Little #MeToo Book for Men. In 75 short pages Mark breaks down how our Man Box culture of masculinity does harm to boys, to men and to all those whose lives we impact. Break out of the Man Box. Get your copy today.
Previously Published on Medium
iStock image
