Emotionally unavailable partners can be the biggest waste of our time.
Chances are they aren’t giving us what we need for love to be satisfied.
Thus, they won’t change on their own because their behavior has worked for them in the past. Even if they hit rock bottom, there isn’t a guarantee they will look past their ego and change out of a genuine desire.
As such, in place of love, a relationship with an avoidant and emotionally absent person will rightfully make us feel frustrated, lonely, and anxious.
Emotionally unavailable people:
- May have a lack of empathy.
- Are self-absorbed or self-involved.
- Desire to control things externally (conversations, other people’s feelings, or circumstances).
- When you’re around them, you’ll feel drained.
- They have an intimacy problem. It could be physical, sexual, emotional, or a mix of things.
- You feel like you’re doing all the “work” in the relationship.
You cannot control someone or change their inner thought patterns or their behavior. If they wanted to be more available, they would be.
As a short-term fix, you can express your wants and needs, and set limits on what you will and will not tolerate. But, this only works if they’re willing to respect your boundaries.
If they don’t change and aren’t willing to be open to receiving and giving love, it’s time to leave.
It’s a shame I didn’t have these lessons before, but sometimes you have to go through hell to learn what it’s like to be in disappointing, unfulfilling relationships.
1. There’s a sense of familiarity with distant partners
My father and my grandmother (mom’s side) were narcissistic “caretakers”.
They only thought of themselves, and they weren’t shy of using destructive tactics such as silent treatment, emotional invalidation, blame, and physical abuse.
Despite this, life went on, and I grew up. I always felt “out of place” in the world. Though I matured, these traumas have still affected me.
I thought a relationship would help, and decades later I met “Rebecca”, my now ex-fiance.
On the outside, she was kind, stable, and loyal; to me, it seemed like this would make me feel fulfilled and “happy”. For a little while it did, but for everyone the novelty always fades away, and we’re back at our normal “baseline” in life.
When the relationship became “secure” without the expectation of “dating”, her real character came out. She was cold, distant, and self-absorbed in her own life, even when we lived together.
Look back at your past relationships. You might see how unsettling and similar they are to a relationship with a parent or caregiver.
We internalize childhood treatment patterns and seek familiar comfort in relationships. While the “love” might be toxic, harmful, or cold, it’s what we’re accustomed to.
Even worse, we may push away healthy, loving partners because they don’t fit our identities.
2. Trust your “gut”
Before she and I got engaged and cohabited, I started having thoughts “I need to leave her.” Frightened, confused, and frustrated by all of this, I called a close “friend”.
“Don’t leave her; make the relationship work”.
Afraid to make a mistake I would later regret, I “made the relationship work”, by sticking around for several more years. After we moved in together, things were okay for about a year.
I was still riding high off of “Finally, I’ve got my life set up the way I want it.” Yet, a nagging feeling bit at my neck.
Her self-absorbed, distant, and cold behavior developed more and more as time went on.
She didn’t have an incentive to change because this relationship was comfortable for her, and she was getting out of it what she wanted. I didn’t know any better, nor did I voice my needs.
This was familiar to childhood. I accepted the dismissal of my wants and needs. But, one night at the dinner table, I looked at Rebecca in the eyes and thought:
This person won’t be my only partner, she’s a “stepping stone” to someone better.
It sounds harsh, but deep down, my gut was telling me that the life we’d crafted wasn’t going to last. I chose to ignore that feeling and double down on my belief that we would be married one day.
A few years later, we’ve broken up, and it was devastating. The image and the identity of a “perfect” relationship came crashing down. I was a wreck for nearly a year.
I wasn’t able to feel at peace for quite a while. All the old wounds from childhood, like my father leaving me, bubbled up.
3. “Trauma dumping” is not connecting
Rebecca and (a later girlfriend) “Julie”, loved to dump their baggage on me.
Julie brought up her most recent ex and his toxic behavior on our first date! I let that slide because I liked her and she was new to the dating scene, so I assumed she didn’t know any better.
The whole conversation still struck me as odd. We weren’t connecting over a shared interest, but rather, on one person’s phantom ex.
Years before that, Rebecca had done something similar on a date.
At their core, emotionally unavailable people communicate this way because they fear their feelings. To truly connect with someone, we have to tap into what we feel.
Unless they work on these issues, these types of partners are unable to truly relate to someone else. Julie repeatedly said something along the lines “I really value emotional connection”.
I believed it.
“Man, I can’t believe someone is finally opening up to me. This is great! I’ve finally found someone who is serious about a relationship and wants to build one with me.”
For them, sharing secrets, fears, and traumas might be the most they are capable of. On paper, that seems good enough…
So, I lowered my guard, and I thought that sharing fears and traumas was a sign that we were connecting, but with a little bit of work, anyone can share deep secrets with someone when they think the relationship will remain casual or “surface level”.
Once all of this unfolded and she left, I realized she wasn’t any different from some of my other unavailable partners.
They may seem able to show love and connect with someone, but this is a tricky, though often unintentional, ruse. It’s meant to make you think your connection with them is real.
While something seemed off, I chalked it up to nerves, and after a few weeks of dating, I expressed my desire for a committed relationship with her.
I wanted more than to engage in activities beyond casual socializing or exchanging messages.
Here is my best guess of what happened. She is a “fearful avoidant”.
The REAL Reason Your Fearful Avoidant Partner HATES “Casual” Conversation
It would help if you had limits with people who demand it all.
medium.com
Her fears of abandonment or rejection were triggered. This happened when she finally realized that I was available and willing to commit to her and a loving relationship.
Her fears took over and she abruptly left. Her lack of empathy left me feeling confused, betrayed, and inferior.
4. They’ll expect you to read their minds
Avoidant or emotionally unavailable people are often in their heads, not “in their bodies”. They have this belief that everyone knows what they’re thinking and feeling.
I know this because I’ve been a perpetrator of this as well.
Often, I get too caught up in overthinking, and this becomes my “whole world”, and it seems like everyone should know what I’m feeling and what my expectations are.
This doesn’t foster communication, and by extension, a lack of communication builds resentment.
People like my ex, Rebecca, are too self-involved. They rarely say what they want in a relationship, yet they choose to be independent and remain resentful.
For example, I would make passive-aggressive comments to her. We never argued, but there would always be these little “conflicts” that would occasionally pop up.
After a day or so, things would calm down, but the resentment was still there, and I was too distant myself to notice.
Rebecca was often lost in her thoughts and overthinking. She would assume that I could read her mind that she was still angry or disappointed. Nothing was ever fixed, and the problems continued to compile until she couldn’t take it anymore.
When someone expects us to know everything going on in their heads, they’ll think we’ll know exactly what to change, and if it doesn’t happen, they will leave the relationship.
Relationship growth doesn’t happen this way.
First, we have to communicate our boundaries and needs. Once the limit is set, there needs to be fair metrics to measure change.
The reason is that growth and change don’t happen overnight. Realistically, boundaries with a partner still have to be reiterated because people are forgetful and it’s easy to slip into old habits.
Boundary setting, even at the earliest stages of dating, is crucial for a relationship to work.
Unfortunately, in reality, most people do the opposite.
In dating, two people might have lots of chemistry, compatibility, and love for one another. But, there will always be things we don’t like about our partner or things that hurt us.
For instance, Julie stated that she felt bored with me.
But, it is hard to distinguish fact from fiction at this point, because her behavior at the end was inconsistent, and I got two different conflicting reasons for why she didn’t want a relationship with me anymore.
This is why you have to trust your intuition because everyone has lied to their partner, even if it’s a small one.
Whether it was “boredom” or her fears of intimacy, too often our partner will give us all these “chances” without verbally expressing their dislikes or “hang-ups” in a responsible way.
Instead, they often choose to immediately cut someone out.
My relationship with Julie was a perfect example. She seemed happy and content with the relationship, but the very next day she pulled away.
Would an emotionally available person ghost, stonewall, gaslight, or lie like some of my past partners? Probably not.
5. Avoidant breakups can be traumatizing
I’ve had other partners and been through breakups before, but the endings with Julie and Rebecca were the most painful to experience.
An unforeseen breakup is the worst way to end a relationship and part of the reason why is that emotionally unavailable people appear unfazed by it.
I treated Julie with kindness and respect because I learned how it feels to be treated poorly and the consequences of being toxic myself. I never wanted to repeat the same behavior and suffer because I “should have known better”.
Emotionally unavailable people avoid uncomfortable emotions, so it’s very difficult for them to feel empathy for a partner who has feelings for them.
For example, when Julie “ran away”, she knew I had developed a lot of feelings for her. It almost seemed like she was hoping I would forget about her.
I think she wanted me to move on as if we hadn’t already agreed to be exclusive and build a relationship.
It was incredibly taxing on me emotionally to deal with this over a week, and to get a vague response about why she was doing this.
Sometimes we might not understand why people ghost, stonewall, or lie. But, when we look at the person’s past and their likely response, it all makes sense.
Emotionally unavailable people avoid their feelings. Conflict or fights are “too difficult” for them, but we are all capable of handling tough feelings.
Some people just haven’t been raised to be responsible.
Instead, they’ll resort to something easier like people-pleasing as a solution to a difficult conversation.
My other partner, Rebecca, was just as dismissive of how it affected me too.
Rebecca was out partying, socializing, and going on about life as if nothing had happened, while I was stuck living with her for a little longer, suffering from this mess we’re in.
Since they both knew this was coming, they’ve had time to suppress their emotions before the breakup.
Remember, in their self-absorbed world, they may believe we can read minds, and thus, they’ll think we’ll be as prepared as they are for it to happen.
Even though something felt wrong right before these breakups, I remained optimistic. I give people the benefit of the doubt that they’re just going through a “rough time”.
Taking risks in relationships requires finding a balance between being vulnerable and guarded.
An “avoidant” breakup is traumatic. It’s a deep emotional wound. We can come out of it changed or limited in our ability to trust or open up to a new partner.
The underlying fear could be something like “If someone I loved can hurt me like this, what’s stopping a stranger from doing the same thing?”
But this is a mindset or belief we must quickly eradicate and not let build-up, because once it takes root, it will impact our ability to live a good life.
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Pay attention to your gut and do what’s right
If we’re not careful, an emotionally unavailable partner might not only drain our energy but also our time and resources.
We don’t have to experience horrendous breakups or dissatisfying partners to learn and understand what a healthy, loving relationship looks like.
When you feel like something is “off”, or your needs aren’t getting met, it’s time to re-examine the benefits of such a relationship vs. what you’re putting in to make it work.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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