Back in college, I was all about finding a relationship.
It seemed like the ultimate goal — like I needed to have someone by my side to feel I had my life together. In those days, it felt like everyone around me was either in a relationship or actively searching for one. It was almost as if being single was seen as being a loser?
I think for women especially*, there’s this unspoken pressure to pair up, to find “the one,” especially before hitting 30, this dreadful deadline. Find someone special before “we’re too old”. This idea that our value is tied to our relationship status makes us think that our relationships define our lives, when they should complement them.
A lot of us might be chasing relationships for all the wrong reasons.
…
Looking back, I’d say what made me obsessed with the idea of finding a romantic partner was the fear of being (or ending up) alone.
I felt this stupid worry that if I didn’t find someone soon, I might miss out on my chance for happiness or fulfillment. Seeing everyone in my inner circle already being in relationships didn’t help, but the issue wasn’t with them.
The issue was the relationship I had with myself.
I hadn’t yet learned to value my own company. I viewed being alone as a deficiency.
The School of Life is one of my favorite Youtube channels, and in one of their videos, Alain de Botton states:
“Being satisfied with being single is a precondition of satisfactory coupledom. We cannot choose wisely when remaining single feels unbearable. We have to be utterly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to have any chance of forming a good relationship.”
I love this part because it perfectly explains an uncomfortable truth: It’s only when we are completely comfortable with the idea of spending time on our own that we can make wise choices about who we invite into our lives.
And I say “uncomfortable”, because it’s against everything society teaches us: that relationships are the ultimate source of happiness and that finding a partner will make us whole.
But how can a relationship be healthy when you’re relying on someone else to fill a void?
Can anyone truly live up to such high expectations?
When you’re not comfortable being alone, you make decisions based on desperation.
You might end up settling for someone who doesn’t really align with your values or interests, just because they’re available. And even if the relationship starts off okay, it might not be built on genuine compatibility.
Plus, relying on someone else to alleviate your loneliness puts a lot of pressure on the relationship to fulfill something that really needs to be addressed within yourself. Taking the time to become comfortable with being alone, ensures that when you do enter a relationship, it’s for the right reasons.
When you’re in that kind of place where you don’t feel good about yourself, you expect/believe/hope that getting into a relationship will fix that. But you know what you actually get?
Unhealthy dependencies and a cycle of disappointment.
And, between you and me, is it fair to ask another person to constantly fill the gaps in your self-esteem?
Tying your relationship to your self-worth is unhealthy because, as professor Aaron Ben-Ze’ev explains in his article,
“It has been found that relationship-contingent self-esteem is an unhealthy form of self-esteem, whereby the partner’s minor negative deeds are exaggerated through being considered as relevant to our own self-esteem. In these circumstances, self-esteem is low and often is connected to dependency on our partner, feeling incompetent, lacking care and love from one’s partner, and is associated with an emotional roller-coaster.”
When your self-worth is tied up in your partner’s actions, even the smallest negative thing they do can feel like a huge blow to your confidence.
They might unintentionally do something minor, like forget to text back or make an ambiguous comment and it will feel like a personal attack on your value.
It’s not your partner’s job to fix your self-esteem issues.
I remember seeing a quote on Instagram that went “Do you love them or do you love the way they make you feel?”, or something along these words and I think it’s a great reminder that we should appreciate our partners for who they are, not just for how they make us feel about ourselves; not because they can temporarily fix our insecurities.
Emphasis on the “temporarily”.
The boost you get from their validation can feel amazing at first, but it’s not sustainable. When the initial excitement of a relationship wears off, those insecurities often resurface, sometimes even stronger than before.
True self-esteem needs to come from within. It’s about knowing your worth independently of how others perceive you.
…
More than a decade later (and a few mistakes and failed relationships) I can see how important it is to approach relationships from a place of authenticity and personal growth.
Rushing into something just because everyone else seems to be doing it? Or because there’s a certain age by which we’re supposed to have it all figured out?
Those reasons just don’t hold up in the long run.
It’s easy to get swept up in the idea that you need to follow the same timeline as everyone else. You see your friends forming relationships, getting engaged, starting families, and it can create this invisible pressure to do the same. Your family might tell you that it’s about time you’ve found someone as well.
You don’t want to end up alone living with 10 cats, right?
Trust me, you won’t. Unless that’s what you want, of course — honestly, the cat scenario doesn’t sound so bad to me.
If you haven’t found “the one” by a certain age, it doesn’t mean you’ve missed the boat. I know people who found (or found again) love in their forties, even fifties.
What you should worry about is whether you’re approaching relationships with a mindset focused on personal growth; whether you’ve taken the time to understand who you are and what you truly want out of life; whether the reason you want a partner comes from societal pressure or fear of missing out.
The idea that a single woman is lonely, socially awkward or carrying emotional baggage is outdated and unfair. All these assumptions and stereotypes have contributed to a culture where many women feel pressured to pursue relationships for the wrong reasons.
I think women owe it to themselves to challenge these stereotypes and especially the part of themselves that has internalized these assumptions.
It’s a powerful act of self-empowerment to reclaim agency over our own narratives and choices. To reject the notion that our fulfillment hinges solely on finding a partner or conforming to traditional roles. Everyone deserves the freedom to define their own path, whether that includes a romantic partner or not; whether that includes a family or not.
…
So, tell me, why do YOU want a relationship?
*I’m aware that it’s not just women who feel this pressure. Depending on the country they live in, their religion, and the family they were born into, men can also face these expectations to settle down by a certain age, to provide and protect, and to uphold all those toxic societal norms of masculinity. In this article, I wanted to focus on women because I think the pressure to find a partner is often far more intense for us.
…
Thank you for reading! If you liked this article, consider subscribing to my free newsletter for relationship stories, advice, and tips.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Alejandro Peralta on Unsplash
