Many years ago, when my ex-husband and I adopted a dog, I learned a lot about dog training. Somehow, I was surprised by how many books and trainers would describe certain dog behaviors as manipulative or dominant.
If a puppy jumps around you, then he’s being dominant.
If a dog doesn’t listen to you, then he thinks he’s the alpha.
Even babies and toddlers, as I became a mother and started to read about child education, did not escape these labels.
When I tried to remember how I was when I was a very young child, I couldn’t remember that I was smart enough to really come up with elaborate manipulation schemes. Even though I was eventually smart enough to manipulate, my manipulation tactics were so easy to see through anyway.
What I can recall though, was how overwhelming my emotions felt like. If I wanted a toy so much, my emotions were all over the place and I cried just because of that. My little, yet-to-be-developed brain couldn’t remain calm and come up with manipulation tactics. It would have made my life much easier if I were that capable, since crying would often get me the opposite.
My experience with “manipulation” tactics in relationships
Years ago, I had a really intense, roller-coaster relationship with someone. I was flooded with declarations of love right at the beginning, which I later came to know as “love bombing”. According to the definitions, I’ve also been gaslighted, my feelings and reality invalidated, and so on.
To be honest, I also found myself gaslighting and invalidating the other person at times.
However, none of these were really intentional manipulations. And calling it manipulation can be misleading and damaging.
Back then, when my ex love-bombed me, he truly believed that he found the love of his life. He was feeling everything so intensively, that he simply expressed everything.
Whenever we gaslighted or invalidated each other, it was out of fear and defensiveness.
And our relationship started to have huge highs and lows, having constant break ups and make-ups, not because we really wanted to hurt each other, but because we were both trauma-bonded, experiencing really intense feelings of fear of closeness and fear of abandonment.
Just like dogs and toddlers, we were acting out of impulse, because we were clouded by our intense emotions of hurt and fear.
The dangers of misusing the “manipulation” label
Having consumed many self-help content, I realized that it’s very common to describe certain unhealthy behaviors as manipulation.
Often, other people who had hurt the reader would be described as toxic or as manipulators. This can actually create a false sense of us versus them, that others are either healthy and do no harm, or they are an inherently bad person and are out there to intentionally manipulate us.
Hurt people hurt people.
In reality, many people have unprocessed trauma and their emotional maturity is stuck at a very young age, so they have a hard time to self-regulate and just react out of their overwhelming emotions of hurt and fear.
The so-called manipulation tactics they use are often just reactionary behaviors learned as they grow up. If a person grew up in a family environment where committing a mistake is met with punishment and abandonment, their learned reaction towards conflicts with others would often be one of defensiveness and invalidation of the other.
They can be so caught up in their fear emotions that they can’t even see through their own reactivity. Because the very action of admitting they were wrong in invalidating someone else is perceived by their subconscious as threatening. Since being wrong means they are unlovable and deserve punishment, just like in childhood, so their subconscious already blocks this.
As we use the label “manipulation”, it often implies there’s a conscious decision to do so. This makes us unable to see the real reason for other people’s behavior, to judge them harshly, and to further separate ourselves from others.
On the other hand, it can also make us subconsciously become more judgemental of this behavior in ourselves. This can create further resistance in seeing our own unhealthy patterns, since we tend to reject a negative image of self, especially if we perceive those behaviors as unforgivable and that only bad people have them.
There are in fact people who intentionally manipulate us through these tactics. However, it’s important to understand that many people, including ourselves, are often acting out of reacting, and they might not even be aware of it in real-time.
In this case, having a more compassionate understanding towards each other’s behaviors, grounded by healthy boundaries with each other, can improve our relationships’ quality, with other people as well as with ourselves, instead of having the “us against them” mindset.
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Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.
If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:
Behind Strong Attractions — The Magnetic Pull Between Us And Our Wound Counterparts
The Danger of Overusing the “Narcissist” Label
3 Relationship Myths That Stubbornly Persists In The Personal Development World
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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