Most of the time, women are the gatekeepers to intimacy, men are gatekeepers to commitment.
Men give all sorts of reasons why they cannot commit to a woman. Often the reasons given are logical reasons. We understand what they’re saying to us as to why they cannot commit right at this moment. The reasons do make sense to us.
We are reasonable as partners. We are empathetic and supportive. We are patient. We want to give it our all in the relationship. We are driven go-getters in every other aspect of our life and make things happen for ourselves. We can make this relationship progress to where we want it to be as well. Right?
…
We wait for the barriers to commitment to be removed and for time to pass if he says he needs more time.
We are understanding when he tells us he had a bad divorce, his ex cheated on him, or he’s just not quite ready yet to be in an exclusive relationship, to move in together, to get married.
We are patient when he tells us once he makes more money, gets a better job, gets a better apartment, finishes a long-term project at work.
We wait when he says he’s not ready to tell the kids he’s dating. Or that he hasn’t quite gotten around to it yet to file his divorce paperwork.
We wait around for weeks, months, even years thinking eventually he will come around. He will see what value we bring to his life. He will definitely commit to a long term stable relationship if we just wait long enough. He would never want to lose us. He values us way too much to let us go, right?
When we bring up the topic again in a few months, or even a year or two it still doesn’t get much traction. We try to easy going, understanding, patient. But we dream of long term commitment — of moving in, getting engaged, getting married. Seeing some progression.
Nothing changes. They have more logical reasons they give us. The reasons make sense. We are nice and we say we understand. We are too nice actually. We wait and wait for the relationship to process. If we just wait it out, things will change. He will commit to us. Won’t he? If we just wait long enough?
…
If a man is telling you they cannot commit right now or maybe ever, believe him. This may not ever change, even with years of the relationship under your belt.
This does not change your reality of wanting things for yourself. That does not change your relationship goals. That does not change the fact that if you want a family, your chance to have one is ticking away.
If you change your standards, if you take less than you deserve such as a casual commitment when you really want to get married, you are always going to feel shortchanged. It will take a toll on your self-esteem as you as asking for something more and you are getting something less than that. You are accepting whatever breadcrumbs you are being offered, when you want and need so much more than that.
This juxtaposition will affect your self-love in a negative way. You will start to feel that the minimal amount of commitment and connection you are getting is all that you deserve. Which is so far from the truth.
Women do this a lot. Women find a man that’s sort of like a problem to solve, someone to fix. A fixer upper man. A man that’s not quite what she’s looking for but she sees potential if he were to get his life together. Women like to be caregivers and help others get on their feet and get better.
His reasons do not change our reality. We are looking for a long-term commitment. No matter what his reasons are, this does not make your reality look any different. This does not move you any closer to the love you want in the form of a long-term lifetime commitment.
You are being held hostage with the hope of a promising future. But your hope becomes the demise of your relationship dreams. The promises are empty. You will come away with nothing in the end.
You don’t want to look back years from now, wishing you had left years before and regretting the time you wasted that you cannot get back now.
Walk away today, before it is too late.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Beyzanur K. on Unsplash
