Baby, don’t fear the romance. A focus group of 10 men and 10 women examine romance and find that what women need isn’t money, things, or fancy dinners.
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They walk hand in hand. Their eyes meet briefly. Wistful smiles touch their lips. They sigh as one. When the couple reaches the park bench they sit and talk a moment. He grins. She giggles. Then he goes down on one knee, an unmistakable little box in one hand. With hope in his eyes, he pops the question and opens the box, extending it forward, waiting, holding his breath with his heart racing for her single word reply.
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Romantic, isn’t it? Most people would think so, but how does one get from that first meeting, to this moment and beyond it to a long and happy fifty plus year marriage? What keeps the romance beating in the hearts of these two love birds?
Gentleman, I am here to tell you what woman want when it comes to romance.
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I read an article recently about why women cheat. Based on the article, which seemed quite well researched, the main reason seems to be a lack of interest from their spouse or significant other. He pays more attention to work or sports or one hobby or another than to his wife. The woman feels neglected and taken advantage of. She feels she doesn’t matter anymore. He’s no longer romantic.
Romance, we ladies need it. No matter how much we may protest that we don’t, we do, in one form or another. Why would you deny the need to feel special to the person you have decided to spend the rest of your life with? Isn’t feeling special and loved a huge part of being in a relationship in the first place?
Gentleman, I am here to tell you what woman want when it comes to romance. Don’t be afraid. It’s not going to hurt and it’s not going to cost you a dime, unless you want it to. Trust me.
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I gathered separately ten lady friends and ten gentleman friends and posed to each group the same questions.
“What is romance? What are romantic gestures? What are those things you find most romantic to do with your partner and why? What do woman want when it comes to romance?”
In both groups the ages ranged from the mid-30 to the mid-60s. Some had been married only a few months, others for over 40 years, some not at all. None of them were married to each other. Most didn’t know each other.
That there would be a difference in the comments I got was not a question. What surprised me most was how the women gave very brief, specific replies, while the men tended to get into long-winded descriptions. Clearly, this is a subject these men have spent time thinking about before my inquiring mind came along.
Clearly, this is a subject these men have spent time thinking about before my inquiring mind came along.
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Let’s start with the men. In general, the men felt they needed to impress us ladies somehow, mainly with gifts; flowers, chocolates, jewelry, trinkets and the like. Several even mentioned their lack of making romantic gestures stemmed more from a lack of money than anything else. “I see something that I think she’d like, so I buy it and hope she doesn’t yell at me for wasting money.”
Another added, “God, romance is such a pain in the ass. I wish she’d just say, ‘Hey, let’s get some pizza and beer and watch something on Netflix.’.
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A fancy dinner out or buying their love a book they showed interest in, tickets to a concert, dressing up nice and being totally uncomfortable doing so, not just because the tie is too tight, but they are worried constantly if she’s doing to like any of these efforts. They are forced to be on their best behavior.
In general, these men felt that the concept was simple; the man makes the woman the center of his attention.
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As one man put it so clearly, “This is the opening volley of romance. The ‘musts’ are impress, impress, impress.” Another pointed out, “It takes a lot of work, and therefore is not always sustainable.”
But this wasn’t all the men had to say about being romantic. Others went a different route all together.
These men felt that romance differed from woman to woman and you have to be in tune with her specific language of love. Physical touch and affirmations are far more important than gifts. Romantic gestures in some of the relationships leaned towards doing odd tasks that he knows she hates or an unexpected kiss on the back of the head while she’s distracted doing something else.
In general, these men felt that the concept was simple; the man makes the woman the center of his attention.
The ladies agreed right out of the gate. Romance is not about things.
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As one put it, “In spite of all the distractions of life, he is deciding that you are the priority and he is actively seeing ways to show that.” Another opined, “I think there needs to be a degree of something you wouldn’t do for anyone else or would feel weird doing it for them which implies a certain degree of intimacy.”
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So, what is it that we woman want? Is it gifts and flowers? Is it fancy dinners and bling? Or, are our ideas of romance more along the lines of that little kiss in public and making us the center of your attention, even if just for a few moments? Let’s find out.
The ladies agreed right out of the gate. Romance is not about things.
“Cooking together, for me, is very romantic. Fun in the kitchen turns me on,” one woman said. Another added, “At an outdoor football game snuggling together in a blanket is romantic.”
Passion was mentioned, but not in the way you might think. Great interest was expressed at the idea of a man sharing something he is passionate about with his lady or having her share something she is passionate about with him. “I think taking the time to learn about your partner’s interests is a big deal, even if it’s not what you are into.”
We need to be reassured we’re special, but those reminders don’t need to cost anything nor do they need to take a lot of planning. We’re happy with a wink from across a crowded room or a goofy face made at us that no one else sees, and knowing you are one hundred percent focuses on us in that moment. We love what one woman calls “The Hallmark Effect”, those subtle things like bringing us a cup of coffee, leaving us little Love Notes, a phone call in the middle of the day just to say I love you, or reaching out while standing in line and kissing our hand.
Most of us ladies truly would be very, very happy to order that pizza, better yet, let’s make that pizza together while wearing comfortable clothes in our sock feet.
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We want someone who genuinely enjoys being around us. We want someone who is content to hold our hand, touch our feet together under the covers, or hear us tell the same story for the tenth time without complaint. Show us that we are interesting and worthwhile, and, most of all, that we are valued. Some of the women were sweet on what was dubbed, “Man Chest Puffery”. They liked when their man got protective even when they didn’t need him to be.
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Bottom line, romance shouldn’t be hard or a pain in the ass. It’s nothing to be afraid of and it shouldn’t break the bank. It doesn’t require a suit and tie, a rose petal strewn walkway or bed, or shiny bobbles and rich gooey chocolates. It’s about giving; giving of yourself and your full attention to us in that moment. It’s a random act of selfless love with no reward expected.
The secret is out, gentleman. Most of us ladies truly would be very, very happy to order that pizza, better yet, let’s make that pizza together while wearing comfortable clothes in our sock feet. Put a swipe of tomato sauce on our nose and kiss it off. Make us laugh. Grab that bottle of beer and start up the Netflix.
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Photo: Shutterstock
Coming from a 75 year old woman, this article made me feel warm and romantic and youthful and thinking of past relationships – those romantic and those not so much. Having reached this age, I am so thankful to have memories of those oh so romantic men that have come into my life, but for some reason or other, have gone out of my life. BUT, I am left with such wonderful memories of those romantic moments/days/weeks/months/years. The memories linger and so do the feelings of the times.
“Women cheat because they are ignored”
i think women cheat because they are lacking on multiple levels. If a woman cheats, get over that and say thank God if she hasn’t already left show her the door and after some time you’ll start to see that she had been dragging your life down all along. The last thing you want to do is run yourself down and beat yourself up thinking you can fill up her bottomless pit of need. I’m not saying don’t be romantic but with a good woman it will come naturally and often.
So frustrating!!! If this article is correct then I am a great catch to 99% of women. I just happened to fall in love with the 1% that this does not apply to. She actually seems to hate romance in any form..wtf???
It gets tiring reading about romance as this passive activity for women that they imbue with expectations. Here’s a protip: if you can’t see that you may also have to learn the language of your man to be able to express that he’s emotionally valuable to you, you’ve pretty much pissed your right to complain into the wind. We’re not here to entertain some misguided princess complex. Be what you want of us – open, expressive, vulnerable and loving. That moment of realization you are both speaking the other’s heart language is a beautiful thing, and worth the effort. But… Read more »
Wow! Let’s get real here. Everyone loves differently. Some feel loved when they recieve gifts, while other appreciate time holding hands or doing something together, or doing something to serve their loved one. Healthy relationships have healthy habits. Let’s not forget that blissful relationships involve a physical love, as well as love I service and sacrifice to another…….the “I only need you” mentality is just rubbish…..humans are more complex and loving relationships can be much more intricate and blissful when simple healthy habits like having dinner together as a family without the tv and cell phones…… are established……
The Exact same thing can be said about men SOme will take for a ride just like a woman would…. There are plenty of both amazing & horrible specimens of men and women. My boyfriend, whom didn’t work b/c he was too talented, bought me gifts with my money. it was infuriating. He noticed nothing i like ( like a paint brush) and put no real effort by buying the cheesy expensive gift! As for the article & Marie are right on. It IS the thought that counts. But you have to be attentive enough to notice life, not buy… Read more »
This doesnt jive with the study (Pew) that just came out that says 78% of women say it is very important their future spouse have a steady job. Men came in at 46%. It may be safer to say, romance only starts after you have met the income test.
It’s about being an independent person who’s got their own life and ambition, nothing to do with the actual income.. Most women want a man like that, as we see men as full human beings. Unlike more than half of men, who see women as pretty decorations that they want to keep… never mind her own dreams and ambitions, she could even have n personality for all they care.
Regarding priority, and the woman being the center of his attention: In my experience, it usually comes down to a conflict between doing something (a task) that she expects me to do, or listen to what she has to say right here, right now. (I.e. When I go to take out the trash or change the broken bulb, she asks where ‘m going and complains that I never listen to her. But if I spend a full evening being present and sharing “issues”, she’ll round it off with asking why I haven’t taken out the trash.) Regarding sharing interests and… Read more »
Uh . . . no. I am so totally sorry to have to rain on your parade, but that part about being romantic “with no reward expected” is where your article falls flat on its face. Experience bears this out ~ when women stop responding to romantic acts, WHATEVER they are, men stop doing them. Of course by “responding” I mean “having sex with the guy.” I am NOT saying you have to jump in the sack every time he brings you a coffee. What I AM saying is that you better make sure that there is a link between… Read more »
Michael, that happened to a friend of mine! Poor guy busted his ass to give her whatever she wanted, big house, new car, when she wanted something, she let it ‘be known’. Then, she cuts him off while banging his (former) best friend! Now there divorced, she has the house and the 2 kids (the divorce was her idea) and he’s paying $525 a week in child support! Yeah, women don’t want material things!
Sometimes women AND men want material things. There is no point is making it seem like it’s just women or that we don’t all sometimes fall lure to money and material possessions. Like none of us have fantasized about winning the lottery or something. Do you know how many older men with fancy cars and big houses try to hit on women half their age and show off their “possessions”? You think they only have those expensive fancy cars because women like them? They have them because *they* like them. men like their things as much as much as women… Read more »
Women and men want material things, absolutely. And most women and men want the material things they will get with their own effort, and their own jobs and earned money.
And sure, child support is something men (or women for that matter) should never pay to their children, uh?
Women and men want material things, absolutely. And most women and men want material things that they will get with their own effort, and well deserved and earned money with their own jobs.
And sure, men (or women for that matter) should not pay child support to their children, uh? Why are so many American men that pathetic? They don’t even want to give money to their own children!
Suzana, how would you feel if a man came in and said, “Why are so many American women that pathetic?” Your comment is totally uncalled for. If you want men to hear your side, you need to have respect for them first.
Child support is a complex topic where yes, some men don’t want to pay for their children and some men do. There are many men that want custudy of their children who have a harder time getting it too.
You see, the warning sign guys is this: people who want to fill their lives with THINGS have deep rooted emotional issues about feeling loveable. It’s a giant red flag, that more-more-more-things mentality. Be careful who you choose.
Nice woman, real nice.
I know many women who are the ones watching the budget for the family. They know how much money there is (or isn’t) for expensive gifts. That may be one very real-life reason guys hear about it when they spend extravagantly on gifts…it’s not just the money, it’s that the guy hasn’t been paying attention enough to the juggling the woman has been doing to keep the roof over everyone’s heads and the bills paid…and now she has less to work with because of the expensive dinner or jewelry. It would have meant far, far more for the man to… Read more »
“The ladies agreed right out of the gate. Romance is not about things.”
Him; “Honey, your Birthday is coming up and I’d really like do something special. What would you like?”
Her; “Oh dear, don’t go out of your way. I don’t need anything but you.”
Yeah, just try that! I hope you have a comfortable couch and the dog doesn’t snore!
Well, if you interpret “I don’t need anything but you” as “there is no need to celebrate my birthday at all because I am satisfied with the mere fact that you come home every night for the past several years,” then yeah, there is a very good chance that you will end up on the couch. Yes, there are some women who like gifts (and there are even those who like expensive gifts), but for most of the women I know, the “Don’t go out your way. I don’t need anything but you” means, as the article rightly stated “I… Read more »
I guess we don’t travel in the same ‘Social Circles’ then, because I pretty much described just about every woman I know (including relatives).
Must be the fucked up genes, bobbt. And yes, we attract people who are like ourselves.
I don’t understand women who don’t think their men are “being too manly” simply because they can’t fit their standards of romance. Depends on age, too. In my twenties I expected a lot more from men, likely because that is what we are taught to do as we grow up. The ones who could fulfill my expectations were the ones that seemed rather shallow or difficult to know very well, and the relationship never lasted due to incompatibility. The one that lasted became very unhappy, one of the reasons being that he wasn’t able to keep up the romantic side… Read more »
Thats too bad! Maybe you are in the wrong circles! Personally, “All I need is you” means I would love to have your exclusive attention for my day. Lets go for a walk, a drive, just spend the time together, say something sweet to me like” you look lovely today”. Notice me today. Something that can only come from your heart. That’s my opinion. 🙂
Sure, he could at least give her a massage, bake her a cake, write a letter or something like that, nothing wrong with that!
Ummm…this is almost verbatim my conversation with my ex. I don’t give a darn about things, I want my man to feel safe to be emotionally vulnerable with me…and I with him. My favorite moments involve dancing in the kitchen, snugfling on the beach on a rainy November day, him making up a silly song about me and singing it to me. WHY would I want crap from a store, that means nothing, when I can have tender moments that mean…EVERYTHING.
Some of us women DO exist, dear! 😉