If you own a bar in Costa Rica, and that bar is staffed with young women, and those young women approach male clients who pay them for sex, then you own a brothel, which makes you a pimp. You can’t say you love America and then brag about how you live outside of the country…
Ten things I’ve learned from never smoking marijuana
Some things are so common, that people cannot understand why you have never done them. Most people have at least tried weed, even if they don’t smoke it regularly. Different drugs make people annoying in different ways. Ecstasy makes people hug you when they are sweaty. Cocaine makes people talk at you quickly and energetically.…
Ten things I've learned from conflict
Being young, dumb, and full of repressed sexuality often means embracing conflict, and creating antagonistic situations. Maybe it’s physical, maybe it’s activism, maybe it’s just yelling for the hell of it. I still get nervous whenever I know I might be in a potentially serious conflict with another person. I use humour as a defense…
Ten things I've learned from the blues
The pentatonic scale can fake you through a lot of solos, and make you sound a lot better than you are to the untrained ear. Every day but Saturday can give you the blues. Saturday gives you the blues by Sunday morning. A woman can really break a man down. And a ramblin’ man can…
Ten things I’ve learned from quitting jobs
It’s never as hard as you think it’s going to be. They will, eventually, be ok without you. No matter how cathartic it may seem to be dramatic or tell your boss to fuck off, it’s always better to be professional. Give two weeks (at least), have a letter ready, and be honest but diplomatic.…
Ten things I’ve learned from visiting Wreck (nude) beach in Vancouver
With a healthy demand and the right demographic, you can make an excellent living selling almost anything: sarongs, rain sticks, beer by the bottle, and of course “chicken…coconut buns!” Flaccid penises = no big deal…kinda funny. It is equally strange to be naked among suit-wearing people as it is to be wearing a suit at…
Ten things I’ve learned from role-playing games
Note: my knowledge only extends to AD&D, and while I dabbled in university, I really only played consistently up until I was about 14 or 15. Interestingly, I also wore sweatpants to school up until I was about 14 or 15. Coincidence? Once you roll for your statistics, your character classes are limited by how…
Ten things I’ve learned from being single
One thing people like to tell you is “you’ll find someone if you just be yourself.” Finding someone isn’t a problem…it’s finding someone worth spending time with that is difficult. When you are single, you like to talk about how you wish you could meet somebody great, and why are all the good ones taken,…
Ten things I’ve learned from Tyler (a cat)
If you have a loud and persistent enough meow, you can get anything you want. Wet food tastes better than dry food. No matter how annoying their normal state of being is, you get really worried when your cat stops being so annoying. “I know I wanted him to be quiet and eat less to…
Ten things I’ve learned from Edward Scissorhands
A quick rise can easily turn into an equally rapid descent. Don’t trust instant fame. Being an outcast probably means you have lots of time to get skilled at art, music, or some other talent. Goose-shaped haircuts are terrific. Being inside Tim Burton’s head must be like living in a Gothic German Expressionist paradise all…
Ten things I’ve learned from going to Chicago
The Blues Brothers movie is 100% accurate. The L Train totally travels right beside apartment building windows!! Chicago is in the Midwest, but I don’t know that it’s all that accurate to call Chicagoans “mid-westerners”. But I only say this because of my (unfairly?) negative opinion of mid-westerners. A lot of people in Chicago have…
Ten things I’ve learned from 2010
I am happier being single than in a relationship with someone I don’t love. I can excel when I am in a supportive environment, working with people I respect and like, and working for a cause I believe in. 30 ain’t so bad. My relationship with my folks will always be up and down, but…
Ten things I've learned from breaking up with someone
Sometimes you both know the relationship is not working, and somebody just needs to kick it in the pants. Most of the time, you know weeks or even months before they do (and so do your friends). The best thing is to be broken up with when you are already thinking of breaking up. That…
Ten things I’ve learned from eating hamburgers
Hamburgers are yums!!! Sometimes its cool to put a bunch of stuff on hamburgers like gruyere cheese and fancy mayo and foie gras. But at the end of the day, a hamburger is only as good as its meat. Simple can be beautiful. You can eat red meat that is not fully cooked if it…
Ten things I’ve learned from my sister
When you have a younger sibling, you want to protect them. You also want to prove that you are better than them at everything, so you want to compete with them. it’s a delicate push and pull. It’s one thing to espouse a set of values, and quite another thing to live them to the…
Ten things I’ve learned from cleaning an apartment
To remove smells from the walls, or in general, pour white vinegar into small tubs and leave them around the apartment for a few hours. Soda water and salt can remove almost any stains, as long as you catch the stains right away. Pour liberally, and leave on stain for an hour. I learned this…