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A few years ago, I had an epiphany about the clarity and intentionality I wanted to bring to my casual relationships. A little backstory first to give you an idea of where I was at when I had this A-ha moment!
Warning: Although this story involves the use of my feminine wiles, it is definitely applicable to you men, as I know you have had a spontaneous crazy attraction/pick up moment at some point in your life!
I was out running an errand and noticed an incredibly good looking guy on break from work. I remember having the desire in that moment for him to notice me back, and then to approach me. That desire turned into my focus and attention. Did it work? Him flagging me down before I drive off to ask me out answers that.
I like to think that the attraction on his end was that powerful because I was that clear as to what I wanted to happen. Flirting ensued and I gave him my card.
Then began the getting to know more about each other part and the more I got to know him, the more it all felt so off. Even my text dialogue felt off.
It started to have the flavor of me being picky, or shall I say selective, in how intimate I wanted to be with this guy. Kept questioning myself as to “What am I actually trying to do here?”
In looking back, the attention and being asked out was what I had wanted, but after that point, I had no thoughts, plans, ideas, or desires. I admit that I was pretty clueless and careless (in that I was not thinking about the impact of my cluelessness on him).
It made me think about how spontaneous we usually are with our casual relationships, which is fun, however a lot of times people inevitably end up getting hurt. There is no communication around what everyone wants, because half the time no one knows what they truly want, or maybe they are afraid to ask for it.
That moment was a wake-up call for me to realize I want to be intentional with the lovers I allow into my harem. Kidding about the harem (maybe) but not about the way I want to go about my casual relationships moving forward.
It’s funny because I am very clear, selective, intentional, and communicative, in every area of my life, especially with who I want to see as my romantic partner (with a good success rate in attracting them). But as far as my sexual partners? Usually not at all!
I ask you men: Why should it be any different with those people in your life?
To me, those casual relationships are still important because they are just as intimate. I don’t know about you, but I only want healthy, fulfilling and fun connections. Where everything is clear, everyone owns what they want, and we are on the same page!
Most importantly, in order to have that kind of sex life, one that feels satisfying and super hot, you have got to screen for the right partners.
If it were a job, you would not let just anybody fill the spot. Think of it along those lines. So first step is creating the job description, then the ideal candidate description!
Because here is the deal my dear men: When you are clear in what you want, you can communicate that directly, and prevent misunderstandings and heart aches!
Lord knows dating and sex and relationships can be landmines for letting each other down, hurting each other, or not being on the same page.
Bottom line guys: I am trying to help you out here, by giving you some keys to the kingdom when it comes to casual.
If you want one night stands, cool. If you want more friend with benefit type situations, great. But you gotta ask yourself first and be clear. Then and only then will you actually be able to go out there and get exactly what you want!
Take your time and really think about your response to the questions posed below. Oh and if it is not obvious, be honest and I’m talking the radical kind. I played along so that you have some examples. Okay and because I needed to do the exercise myself too!
So, gentlemen, I invite you to take out a piece of paper and pen, or pencil, and answer the following questions as well:
1. What do you want out of your sexual encounters?
My Response: I want to stretch my boundaries, achieve more orgasms during sex, learn to receive pleasure, feel more confident asking for what I want, etc.
Some Other Examples: I want to feel confident in giving pleasure, be more in my body during sex, explore new things like non-ejaculatory practice or kink, etc.
2. What are the qualities you are looking for in your lovers / sexual partners?
My Response: I am looking for givers who are open to learning, curious about being better lovers and know how to be present. I am looking for lovers I am naturally attracted to and have fun, effortless sexual chemistry with.
Some Other Examples: I am looking for lovers that are comfortable in their body, who are adventurous, sexually uninhibited, who are open to communication around sex, and are open to trying new things.
3. How do you want to show up in these sexual encounters?
My Response: I want to show up as sexy, powerful, in my feminine, fun, relaxed and comfortable in my skin. I want to show up bubbly, bright, and like I am absolutely in love with my life.
Some Other Examples: I want to show up powerful, confident, in my body, connected, present, curious, giving, dominant, etc.
4. What are the qualities of your ideal casual relationship?
My Response: My ideal casual relationship is open, honest, comfortable, flirty, friendly. We have great communication and trust one another, etc.
Some Other Examples: My ideal casual relationship is carefree, mature, has lots of space, is fun, easy, expansive, and really feels like a win/win situation all the way around.
Anything interesting come up for you? What else is there that you may be nervous to actually voice or claim? Feel free to share your revelations and any questions you have for me in the comments below. Here is to your most awesome sex life!
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Photo: GettyImages
I am a philosophy student, a spiritual soul in a fantastically rewarding quest for meaning so I can go on and on about my views on life, love and relationships. But the issue I have been struggling with for a while now is how realistic are said views? Albeit I do feel very often tempted to despise the realism argument, and focus on building a steady vision on which I can base my vision, but the question still niggles my mind often enough to cause me to worry.
I hear you Phil. And I have been a “realist” as much as I have been a “dreamer” in my life – all I can say is my quality of life changes dramatically when I am in either camp. I have also seen enough evidence where realism keeps you static and plateau’d more than thriving. And dreaming has pushed me to have what I never would have even thought possible more than living in fantasy land. So all to say that what if both are true and valid and needed, and if we are going to shoot for a destination,… Read more »
Bottom line, Phil and Nat…an open mind seems the cleverest destination here ;)!