Want to be an unforgettable lover? Forget about technique and try these three simple secrets.
Like a song of love that clings to me,
How the thought of you does things to me.
Has someone been more…
—Nat King Cole, Unforgettable
You turn to your partner and ask, “Was it good for you?” but you already know the answer.
“Good? OMG! It was beyond good. It was … unforgettable!”
I’m talking about the kind of sex you can’t stop thinking about.
The kind you replay in your mind over and over until your next encounter.
The earth-shaking, world-rocking, leg-wobbling kind.
The kind you see in movies.
The kind you may have thought wasn’t possible … or may still think isn’t.
The kind … oh stop teasing me already, please!
All right, enough foreplay. Now that you’re excited, I have to deliver, so let’s start with the basics. You love each other. Your relationship is healthy. You’re sexually compatible. While these things don’t guarantee great sex, without them as your baseline it’s tough to hit the high notes.
Next, we have to unlearn some stuff.
First, dump the idea that great sex depends on great physical technique. The joy of sex isn’t physical. Sure, the things we do to and with each other’s bodies feel good, but pleasure occurs in the brain, which means regardless of what’s happening down at those delicate nerve endings, state of mind is everything. You can master every move in the handbooks, but unless you perform them in a way that resonates in the control center, it’s just pointless rubbing.
Second, bigger, harder, and longer do not always equate to better. Basic physical compatibility matters, but beyond that, more length, more girth, more pounding, more kissing, more minutes or hours of whatever you’re doing—none of these mores add up to more pleasure. Anyone, with whatever equipment you’ve been given, can use the secrets for unforgettable sex. You don’t have to measure up to enjoy pleasure beyond measure.
Third, bringing your lover to climax doesn’t mean you’ve hit a homerun. An orgasm can be as intense and powerful as the popping of a champagne cork, or as flat as opening a bottle of soda that’s lost all its fizz. It’s much more about what you’re feeling when you feel the waves than how the waves make you feel. The view from the mountaintop may be breathtaking, but the exhilaration comes from the climb.
Fourth, you don’t have to be beautiful to be attractive. Unforgettable sex doesn’t depend on a perfect butt, flat stomach, or well-defined six pack. When you radiate love, its light gives off a brilliant glow, and this determines how your partner sees you.
So what are the secrets?
You know, I really shouldn’t give these away. Because once you start using them, you’ll spoil your partner for any other kind of lovemaking. If you’re already in a committed relationship, that’s a good thing. It will only get more committed. But if you’re the type who hooks up casually, be warned. Unhooking is about to get a lot more difficult.
1. Learn to read your partner’s moods. By far the greatest pleasure enhancer is a sense of simpatico or being on the same wavelength. Knowing when to stop and knowing when to keep going. Knowing when to change positions. Knowing when to plant a kiss or simply gaze and smile. Knowing when to grab and when to hold, when to move in and when to move back. Knowing what your partner wants before your partner knows it. This type of knowing makes sex feel simultaneously safe and dreamy, grounded and ethereal, and creates a deep intimate connection that allows movement to flow wordlessly. It requires tuning in completely to your partner’s emotional state and focusing on giving emotional pleasure along with the physical. You don’t have to ask how your partner wants it, whether what you’re doing feels good, or if it’s time for a bathroom break. You know. When both partners learn to read each other’s moods, lookout. Sex is never the same again.
2. Celebrate your partner’s body—every single inch of it. There’s a difference between touching for your pleasure and touching for your partner’s. There’s also a difference between a touch that asserts or assumes ownership and an appreciative touch that conveys gratitude for a gift. When you celebrate, you include. When you celebrate, you indulge. When you celebrate, you go slowly. When you celebrate, you revere. Trust me on this one, nothing is hotter than a reverent touch. The more deeply respectful you are, the more deeply you will move your partner, and the more likely you are to move deeper still. When is the last time you took the time to admire her hands or feet, massage his arms or shoulders, gently stroke her hair, or run your hands from his thighs to his toes? When you celebrate, you are patient. You don’t go right for the hotspots. You make the effort to warm things up. As you focus on areas you thought weren’t sexy, they suddenly become sexy, and you may hear your partner say, “No one has ever touched me there that way before.” Touch that celebrates is magical and electric. You’ll feel the charge in the air. And before you start, be sure to remove your smoke detector’s battery, because sparks will start flying.
3. Connect hearts before parts. This is the foreplay that precedes foreplay, the coming together that precedes …. I mention it last, because it’s the most important secret, and it’s easy to skip after mastering the other two. You can tune in and touch reverently, but if you forget to align yourself fully with your partner, to pause and remind each other—with words, gestures, even a glance—of the love you share, you’ll go through the motions of sex and end up feeling empty. When you feel you’re drifting apart from your partner, it’s tempting to use sex to try to reconnect. But using intimacy to create connection is backwards. Connection creates intimacy, because connection presumes trust. When you let your partner get close to you emotionally, you take your walls down and allow yourself to relax. This state of mental calmness has a tremendous effect on the body, priming it and making you intensely receptive. Your partner feels your energy and feeds on it, feels your hands before you touch, and when your fingers finally alight, you arouse feelings you’ve already awakened. But none of this happens if you don’t align your hearts first. The easiest way to get in sync is to repeat a simple phrase together. “I am here because I love you.” When you say these words in unison, the world around you melts away, and you’re ready to experience something unforgettable.
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