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The jumping off point of this article was a message posted by another Good Men Project author and editor. She gave me consent to use her words to reinforce the necessity for all good people (male-identified folks in particular) to avoid bystander syndrome when witnessing verbally aggressive behavior.
I’m at the breakfast joint working on my laptop. The only other patrons right now are 4 men at one table, talking about a road trip to see a Packers game. One dude, someone I know superficially, interrupted them to refer to a specific female somehow related to the Packers or the road trip, saying she looks so good, ‘it would take a couple of really big men to keep me off of her.’ The other three men didn’t call him out; they were silent. These men are just as much part of the toxic masculinity problem as the big mouth.
Men, please speak up when one of your buddies says something degrading or aggressive. Part of non-toxic masculinity is using your social influence to help dismantle our rape culture.”
In an article I wrote a month ago in the wake of the Kavanaugh hearings, about the ‘boys will be boys ‘ mentality, I addressed the wink and nod and shrugging off of what should be unacceptable to anyone regardless of gender. What amazes me is that each of these people have mothers, daughters, sisters, partners, wives, grandmothers and female friends. If I were to stand before them, I would ask how they might feel if someone had addressed any of these precious people in that manner, or even considered approaching a woman in their lives with disrespect. What seems to be lacking is a sense of empathy. What may be at the root of this mindset is the erroneous belief that predatory behavior is the purview and privilege of men.
Being on the same team or members of the same ‘tribe’ give men a particular leg up on being able to address the verbal violations that take place on a daily basis. It is more than ‘if you see something, say something’. Instead, it is as much an obligation as it would be to stop a robbery in progress, even if by calling 911.
Certainly, women can speak up if they hear men disparage their ‘sisters’, and I have. Unfortunately, it can be more easily dismissed if it comes from a female source.
Michael S. Kimmel’s article in The Harvard Business Review called Getting Men to Speak Up addresses this dynamic brilliantly. After highlighting the micro and macro aggressions toward women, he asks, “So, where do we go from here? After decades of accepting sexual harassment as the status quo, we have to take some of the weight off women’s shoulders. It’s simply not their responsibility alone to talk about and enforce workplace equality. We must call out the sexist behaviors of other men because it’s wrong and because it undermines women’s confidence and effectiveness in the workplace.
This is what it means to be allies, men. To stand up together and do the right thing. We know how to do it, and we’re good at it most of the time. Brotherhood, teamwork, and camaraderie are the essence of the fraternity, the foxhole, and the sports team. Now we have to learn how to come together at work — and on the right side of things.”
So, what stops men from using their influence with their brothers?
- Power differential. From an early age, boys may be indoctrinated to believe that they are superior. Even the discouragement not to be a ‘pussy’ is a discouragement not to be weak, inferior, or God forbid, a woman.
- Not wanting to be shown the door of the ‘Men’s Club’ where the entrance is contingent upon hormones and ‘plumbing’.
- Either not knowing that line between appropriate or inappropriate behavior because they saw it modeled by other men, or knowing it and deciding to cross it anyway.
- Entitlement. Men sometimes feel this is a perk of being a dude.
- Fear of being thought Gay if they don’t snicker and snark about women.
When men don’t speak up, they are complicit in the continuation of the condition that opens the door to normalizing sexual assault. Although it shouldn’t feel like two competing teams at least or a war of predator and prey at worst, that is often what it comes down to. If men want to be allies to women and co-create a world where everyone is valued and safe, then the first step is realizing that they can use their power to make that shift happen.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
”Being on the same team or members of the same ‘tribe’ give men a particular leg up on being able to address the verbal violations that take place on a daily basis.” I’d like to offer a different perspective here, subjective though it may be. Not to get too far afield, but I think where this has erred, or what has been overlooked (and I can’t overstate this enough) is that, -just perhaps- people who are male aren’t really on the same team or tribe (or for that matter, not even always on the same page) afterall: Gender alone is… Read more »