—
This question popped into my mind during the three-ring circus that was erected in Washington, DC more than two years ago since the presidential campaign when the infamous ‘pussy grabbing’ tape was released. The words of the current holder of the Oval Office was dismissed as ‘locker room talk,’ with a wink and a nod to the whole ‘boys will be boys’ mentality to that pervades much of American culture.
The inquiry has become even more pertinent in the wake of the Kavanaugh confirmation hearing when his adolescent and young adult behaviors were ‘normalized,’ not only in his own mind but those of his supporters. In his denial of sexual assault, he has hedged his bets by claiming that he remained a virgin all throughout his early adulthood. The thing is, none of the women who alleged assault, say that there was penetrative sex. The prevailing thought was that all boys drink, all boys cross the line with girls and all men with women, all boys ‘make mistakes’, all boys get a little carried away. It’s to be expected.
Ain’t so. Not every teenage boy gets wasted. Not every teenage boy who drinks alcohol will commit assault. Not every teenage boy lets his urge to merge turn into an invasion of another’s body. Not every teenage boy engages in stalky behavior. Not every teenage boy objectifies females. Not every teenage boy feels he is entitled to sex on demand. Not every teenage boy endorses rape culture.
As a mother of a now 31-year-old son, whom I raised as a single parent since my husband died back in 1998 when my son was 11, I feel a sense of gratification that I taught him well to respect women and, as a result, himself. We had several conversations over the years on that subject. Back when he was a tween, I reminded him that “no means no,” not just when it came to him touching another, but him being touched as well, and only a wholehearted “YES!” means yes. As he became a teen and was contemplating dating, we had what I call the “three-part sex talk,” which included the “respect yourself and your partners” talk, the safe sex talk, and the “I’m too young to be a grandmother” talk. It seems that our conversations took root as my daughter-in-law thanked me for raising a gentleman and the man of her dreams. That certainly made me smile and give myself a pat on the back for a job well done.
I ask myself who is raising the “boys will be boys” boys. Do their parents reinforce the “man up” mentality, the “grow a pair” mindset, and the Marlboro Man tough guy paradigm? Do the men in their lives allow themselves to feel and then safely express emotions in ways that do no harm?
I was listening to a feature on NPR a few days ago and heard a story about a group of boys who were asked about their male role models. Many said it was their fathers. They were supportive, kind, caring and responsive. Then they were asked about the qualities of ‘real men’ and the answers were tragically telling, having more to do with being a tough guy, rather than an ‘in touch’ guy. Not like all their fathers.
Our culture puts unreasonable pressure on boys to be less than completely human with a full range of emotions. We do them a disservice when we plant seeds of toxic masculinity. We do them a disservice when we hold expectations that they will demean women. We do them a disservice when we don’t consciously teach them to express themselves non-violently. We do them a disservice when we tell them “real men don’t cry.” We do them a disservice when we don’t tell them that women are not prey or property. We do them a disservice when we don’t model respectful partner relationships. We do them a disservice when we use words that demean them for being sensitive and vulnerable which equates to weakness, which equates to being female.
When we raise boys to be self-loving, self-respecting, self-compassionate, self-expressive, then it makes it that much easier to express those qualities outwardly.
What if THAT became the new norm and we can proudly proclaim that boys will be human?
—
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access t
o our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Join the Masculinity Detox FACEBOOK GROUP here.
—
Photo credit: