Some guys think making the bed is a chore imposed on them from the outside, something other people expect them to do that they will be criticized for not doing. They think of structure in general as something they don’t like, something that they have to do for other people, and they walk around pissed off a lot of the time about all the things they have to do that they don’t want to do. They dream of a life without imposed structures; eating what they want when they want, sleeping as late as they want, and not having to go to work. They never make the bed on vacation because they are looking for any opportunity to get out from under yet another structure that feels like a burden to them.
These men have an oppositional relationship to structure.
Even when they try to integrate some kind of helpful structure into their lives-like losing weight, exercising regularly or stop procrastinating-they still go about it in an oppositional way. They still relate to those structures as if they were being imposed by someone else, and so they resist. Only this time they are resisting themselves! They don’t know how to integrate structure as a part of themselves, and so they create a split inside them between the parts of themselves that hope this new structure will help them make some desired change in their lives and the parts of themselves that resist being told what to do, even though they’re telling themselves.
In a sense, they go to war with themselves.
The problem with going to war with yourself is that the causalities are on the same side. They lose either way. Even if they are able to force a new structure on themselves for a period of time, it won’t last. Freud taught us 125 years ago, and now we have the research to prove that the unconscious always wins in the end. Eventually, your outside will match up with your inside. If you diet to force yourself into losing weight, you’ll end up putting it all back on, and then some.
While making the bed every morning may not be the key to a good life, learning how to internalize structure does have a lot to do with how happy you are. Some guys make the bed every day as a habit, something they do for themselves because they like the way it feels to get into a made bed at night.
They continue to make the bed on vacation because they find the structure and the predictability comforting and soothing. They have integrated and made peace with the structures in their lives, rather than being constantly at war with themselves. When you are able to internalize structure, then you can maintain the positive changes you want in your life because your outside is just matching the peace you’ve made with that structure internally.
So when you wake up tomorrow morning, try making the bed.
Don’t do it in an angry, oppositional way but see if you can find the part of yourself that enjoys the structure and order of making the bed. As a bonus, wait until you see the smile on your wife/partner’s face when she sees you’ve made the bed. She may invite you to mess up that newly made bed with you.
Do you want to talk about how to have richer, more mindful, and enduring relationships?
Photo credit: Pixabay