The Gift of the Father and Other Stories: Inside the Conversation at The Good Men Project

A conference call covers the speed at which change occurs, the events in Charleston, the importance of fathers, and more. 

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The topic starts by looking at again at the reasons WHY The Good Men Project has touched such a chord in people. And part of the reason why is this – that the world is changing so quickly that it almost impossible for us to process that change. Part of  The Good Men Project’s reason for being is to give us all a place to process that change—the changing roles of men along with the change in the world.

1) We have to talk about the shooting in Charleston: This was an obviously horrific incident—our hearts go out to the victims and their families. But the thing that I see that is happening with the conversation about what happened is how many people are very angrily trying to convince the rest of us that this is not an example of systematized racism. It’s a unique and interesting way the internet culture works—that individuals, groups of individuals will try to steer the conversation in a certain direction. And we are getting dozens of comments across the posts on our site and FB saying, “This is not an example of racism at all—it’s one lone crazy individual.”

2) On a more positive note: I was heartened by Pope Francis coming out with a 184 page letter in eight languages on climate change and the importance of addressing it. This is intersectionality at its finest—using a large engaged platform that usually focuses on one thing, such as religion, and using it to help solve one of the critical problems of the world. And it is even more important in light of the fact that he could have said “climate change is all part of God’s plan”. And he didn’t.

3) This is a small thing—you might have missed the news—but it directly relates back to a call we had several weeks ago. I had mentioned that Amazon was rolling out “one hour delivery” and what the implications were for men.

And I actually have follow up to that story. The technology blog TechCrunch is ran a story yesterday with the headline: “Amazon is building an App to Let Normal People Deliver Packages for Pay.” Besides the funny use of the word “normal people” in the headline— this goes hand in hand with a trend that I have also heard of since the last call. And that trend is that I am hearing lots of anecdotal dads are driving for Uber in order to pay for college tuition. And now…here we have another potential tuition-paying idea. Deliver for Amazon. But you’ll note, it is still the guys in the family who seem to be in “financial provider” mode, and taking on this patchwork quilt of odd jobs available to make sure their kids turn out ok. It is the gift of the father.

4) And finally, well, the next generation is here. I’d like to read a comment I wrote today in response to a post by Joanne Wilson called “The Next Generation Is Here.” It relates to a lot of what we talk about here. Here is what I said:

I love the title of this post: “The Next Generation is Here.” The next generation is always here.

But there are reasons this generation is fundamentally different than previous ones. These are the differences I see: 1) It is a non-linear generation. There is less pressure to live your life in a predictable order and pattern. 2) “Jobs” and “careers” are becoming piecemeal projects that you can float in and out of irrespective of your education level, work experience, or IRL network. A career can very well be a patchwork system of skills that you acquire on the go and use when you need them. 3) Code is no longer a different, obscure language. It’s a part of our culture. 4) The relaxation of gender norms and other stereotypes. 4) The formerly huge problems that seemed so untouchable and unsolvable don’t seem nearly as unsolvable as they used to. (This may just be me.) But when you say, “What we really need is to put serious capital into our transportation system so that people can afford to live in areas that have access to cities.” I no longer thing, “uh, how will that happen?”, I think “Yes, let’s get it done.”

All of this I believe is making people more creative and not less. But creativity is not something you can see while it is happening, you can only see the results. I too am excited to try to peek around the corner to see what will come next.

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Greg Liotta: Awesome intro, Lisa. Really cool topics. I would like to talk about the Charleston situation—I notice I am resisting the impulse to jump int too quickly to write about this. But the trend of these incidents is getting worse, or maybe it’s the media that are highlighting them more that make them seem worse. I used to be a cultural sensitivity trainer. And I would do these training sessions—in Charleston actually, where I would try to open up the discussion between these diverse groups, including the police force. I was successful on college campuses but not many other places. I have a very inside look into these issues. And I’m afraid of writing about them because I’m afraid of becoming a target.

Erik Sabiston: I also was involved in some of the inner group dialogue, being raised in the South. And I was amazed at the interactions I saw between races in the 70’s and 80’s. Also — being in the military forced me to interact with people from all backgrounds. It was the structure of forced service that I saw create meaningful change on a big level.

Vince Isner: Writers are going to become targets but we’re also going to shine a light on difficult subjects and give language to the thoughts other people are having. I think we need to risk being targets to shine a light in those places. I had written a post about reports that in the Charleston incident, the gun used by the shooter had been given to him as a gift from his father two months earlier. And I want to talk about how even the giving of gifts from fathers to their children impacts the child. I’d like us as dads to re-think the gifts we give to our children.

Mark Sherman: I try to be optimistic but sometimes have a hard time. For example, if we could just make it a little more difficult to get guns. I know we will never make them go away altogether—but I think it’s easier to get a gun that it is to get a driver’s license. Following Newtown, I thought there would be change, and nothing happened. And the President, who I admire immensely—you can see the frustration in his face. The middle position is where the truth often lies, but we can’t get there. Also, I can’t say I’ve really been a target for my writing but I have had people leave some very angry comments and it’s not a fun feeling.

Vince Isner: I don’t get paid for my writing. I make a living doing other things. But there is always the chance that some of those opportunities will drop out when people read my opinions on things they disagree with. So becoming a target for your writing could have real life economic consequences.

I’d also like to mention about how I when was working in the South with sensitivity training and I was helping with students with a request to talk to the policemen there about racial profiling. And the police gave me the middle finger. These conversations aren’t easy.

Cynthia Barnett: I like the idea of listing positive gifts fathers can give to their sons (or daughters). It is one of the things we can control, as individuals. I’d also like to mention a book by Lisa Miller called The Spiritual Child. It suggests ways we can give the gifts of moral certitude. An example is saying to your child “I saw you standing up for that child on the playground who was being bullied. I admire your courage and I learned something from you.” You are then helping your child grow the spiritual, moral and ethical parts of themselves without fear.

Vince Isner: It reminds me of that scene in the movie Dead Poets Society where the first person stood on the desk too a lot of courage. But then one by one they all stood on the desk. If you trust in the integrity of what you are saying people will rally around you.

Mark Sherman: Yes, if you stand up, people will join you. But there are still real world consequences. Don’t forget, Martin Luther King wasn’t even 40 when he died. But I’d like to also go back to a comment of Cynthia’s about modeling behavior for your child. I have two sons who are fighting for something they are concerned about for health reasons. And when I see them being activists, I’m very proud. Children are much more likely to do what their parents do than do what they say.

Rick Gabrielly: I’ve been reading a blog of someone who is in the fascination business. And we are all 99% average. It is the 1% that makes us extraordinary. If you receive negative feedback, remember that. We’re all the same, but sometimes we’re just on the other side of humanity.

Robert Case: I want to go back to the gift of the father. The father can make such a huge difference in a child’s life. There is a time in a son’s life when he is so hungry to be seen by the father. But that window is short. And in the Charleston case, the son had probably shut down way before gave the gun to his son. In fact, the gift could have been a way to re-connect with his son. In the ancient myth of Icarus, it was the father who gave his son the gift of wings. I see these ancient Greek myths as being as relevant as ever today. And finally…I want to point out that we have to own the fact that it is usually young white men who are doing this.

Erik Sabiston: Agree with the way the seeds are planted with fathers and sons and the importance of investing time with children. It’s important we not devalue the importance of the time that men spend with their children.

Matt Sweetwood: To me, it’s clear that the father in the Charleston case made a decision because he was in denial about the level of difficulties his son was going through. I see that denial all the time—we all do it to some extent with our children.

Brent Greene: My father gave me a .22 caliber rifle when I was 15 years old. Target practice was a very big bonding experience with me and my father. My father grew up with guns—he literally used them to put food on the table. So I wouldn’t be so quick to judge a father giving the gift of a gun to his son—this is coming from my own experience. However, this is the generation that is producing these mass killers and we have to be talking about this. We are losing a lot of boys to violence.

And also, where do you put your courage? If you talk about controversial topics you could be a lightning rod. For me, personally, that is a risk I feel I have to take.

Mark Sherman: In terms of boys, there are a boys who struggle with violence—but an even greater number who don’t and we shouldn’t stereotype.

I really feel that fatherlessness or divorce—the regular involvement of fathers in a boys (or girl’s) live is so important. Very frequently in situations of violence the father is almost completely absent. I don’t think we will go far without recognizing that.

James Woodruff: I am a black male. I’ve written for The Good Men Project but I haven’t written about Charleston yet. It’s a rough thing to write about—I don’t know how much more I can share. I feel as if black people writing about the experience just stays in the same bubble. Places like Good Men Project allows other circles to understand in a way that goes beyond our account. I appreciate the opportunity to share my experience though my eyes. There’s so much to unpack. But when I write about incidents like Charleston I feel as though I’m repeating myself over and over because my emotions about what is happening haven’t changed.

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Quick Newsflash: It was a news item this week that the Game of Thrones season finale had over 8.1 viewers. This was described as a “record-breaking” audience and the same article said that Game of Thrones is the second most popular show on cable TV.

What’s interesting to me is that number—8.1 million. That is a tipping point kind of a number, right? If you get 8.1 million people watching a TV show, then you can pretty much guarantee that everyone in the country will have heard of your show. Even if you don’t like Game of Thrones, or have never watched an episode, you have almost certainly heard of it. The Game of Thrones has “tipped” into an icon of pop culture.

So let’s talk about that 8.1 million number. How difficult would it be for The Good Men Project to get 8.1 million people involved in our conversation?

Turns out—it’s a milestone we already hit.

— We have 2 posts that have over 8.1 million pageviews.

— Our front page has hit well over 8.1 million pageviews.

— Approx. 8.1 million absolute unique visitors come to our website over the course of any and every 3 month period you look at over the past year. Often we get more than 8.1 million people in a 3 month time span. There have been times we’ve gotten over 10 million people on our website over the course of a month.

So, I know it’s by no means an apples to apples comparison—but if you are just looking at “Can GMP get as many people viewing it as The Game of Thrones”, the answer would appear to be yes.

The reasons WHY The Good Men Project has gotten so many people coming back to this conversation is for the reasons above.

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Photo: clairity /flickr

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