Lately, I have been contemplating my value as a human being, with all the roles I play. It might be said that we are all worthy of love, respect, caring, and compassion, simply by virtue of being born. Due to circumstance and our interpretation of life events, we sometimes develop what I call, ‘spiritual amnesia’ and forget that.
I’ve heard this story many times before, but it had special significance today as I realize just how many people I encounter in my work as a therapist with clients who feel like damaged goods as a result of their perception of those aforementioned circumstances. Some of the residual pain they feel that often leads to suicidal thought and in far too many cases, multiple attempts come from their view of themselves. As a writer, I am also, as friends refer to me ‘the Queen of Metaphor’, coming up with all manner of word pictures that help people reframe their experience. Not sure I can top this one.
A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, “Who still wants…… it……?” Still, the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, “What if I do… this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still, the hands went into the air. “My friends,” he said, ” We have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special.
When I look at my own life and the decisions I have made, either consciously or unconsciously about myself, my worth and the impact I have on the world around me, I sometimes marvel and sometimes cringe. I have heard my clients say that “The world is a terrible place and that society is messed up (well, some have used an edgier and less polite word to describe it).” I remind them that they too are part of society and as such, have the responsibility to do something positive each day to change the mix. It’s my contention that when people are happier with themselves, they have a more healing impact on their surroundings. It is about being your authentic self. What we are, we offer out to the world. It’s as simple as that. I’m sure that you have walked into a room in which people are smiling, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. How do you feel when you enter? Do you want to stay and when you leave the room, do you carry that sweet energy with you? On the flip side, if you step into a room in which people are complaining, angry or on edge, how does THAT feel? I know I would want to escape that environment as quickly as possible and not return and I definitely would choose not to take that feeling with me. Emotional states have a contagious component to them. Think about the people with whom you spend the majority of the time..would they be more likely to be in the first room or the second room? Over the years, I have divested myself of emotional vampires who attempt to suck me dry of my energy, because they feel like that crumpled $20 bill, not recognizing their worth, so they desperately search for emotional sustenance, since they don’t know that it was within them all the time. And on the occasion that some folks in my life are on a downward spiral in conversation, reciting a litany of complaints, I stop them in their tracks, by asking them to tell me one positive thing that happened that day. They always do, because there is always treasure in the muck…you just need to keep looking until it shows up.
In the past few days, I have experienced people who tested my unwillingness to diminish my value; one by treating me rudely in an established professional relationship and other by attempting to renegotiate my fee for potential work, since their budget wouldn’t permit my reasonable request in exchange for my services. In the first case, I politely and appropriately responded, calling this person on their unprofessional interaction. In the second case, I let this person know that my creditors expect me to pay their fees without negotiation and that if I want their services, I will pay their fee. If they want my services, they will pay my fee.
In both cases, this recovering co-dependent and emotional contortionist who used to bend over backward to please people, is recognizing her own worth and teaching people to do the same.
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