When someone tells me, “You’re being vulnerable.” Honestly initially, I cringe. Maybe, not so much now. Maybe, that’s my up bringing. I’m Old School. I’m old, too. I’m 64 years old. I am a Third-Generation Japanese American Man. Vulnerability isn’t my strong suit.
Still, the older I get, I get it. When I allow myself to be seen that’s vulnerable. I’m present to who I am. I’m comfortable just being me.
On the High Performance Podcast, Heart of the Beast Director David Ayer spoke about vulnerability, specifically in himself and men in general, “When you allow yourself to be seen, then you can let in the truth about yourself from another person.” David was talking about the relationship of Brad Pitt’s James with his retired combat dog Odin, played by Uber. Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true.”
In Aikido, when the bigger stronger man attacks me, I wait it out and enter the attack. I take a glancing blow if I have to. I’m not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time. The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger. I hold my position. I make my timing. I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not to the attacker. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against myself. I’m my greatest enemy, my greatest opponent.
Under the attack, in the danger, I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. My fear of Dad when I was a little boy. Although my fear inside may never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, enter the danger, I let go more of my fear inside me. I allow myself to be seen. I see myself, too. I free myself. Free to be me. Maybe, that’s vulnerability. I practice that over, and over, and over again. Just train.
Maybe, the most important thing in life aside from being loved is to be seen. Being seen by others is allowing myself to be seen. I open myself up to be seen. I let go. As hard as it is to open up when the 250-pound man punches to my face, opening up to those I love, those who mean something to me, might be even harder. That’s just the human design.
The late Mizukami Sensei said, “Practice makes the unnatural natural.” As a man, at least for me, being vulnerable isn’t easy. Isn’t natural. It’s hard. Sensei said, “Just train.” It’s not like I have to get somewhere or be someone else.
I just train when I enter the attack in Aikido, even though I’m afraid to get hit. I just train when I write about loving myself for who I am and forgiving myself for who I’m not on the Good Men Project with my editor Lisa Hickey.
In life, I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. Maybe, that’s vulnerability. I can do that. Hopefully, when I’m open, when I’m present, when I’m vulnerable that makes a difference for someone out there who’s afraid to be seen, afraid to be themselves. That makes it all worth it. It’s not all about me. It’s about them.
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