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The pressing queries that the fathers are not posing to themselves regarding education, belonging, and what is really needed to make their sons ready for what life holds for them
I can recall my conversation with my father about college. It lasted about twenty minutes. He highlighted the state colleges that offered top-quality engineering courses, noted the success of his colleague’s kid in one of the colleges, and the plan was in place – to apply there.
I never blamed him for that. He simply acted like a father, using all of his knowledge, directing me to the world he knew. He could not know and think of how different his world would be from the real one I would live in.
Now I have a son. I keep thinking about the same question; I wake up at least twice, thinking if I have done the same thing.
The map and the territory
There is a specific type of parental certainty that arises from being knowledgeable in a subject, and education is one such subject. We have all been there, therefore we know how it feels and what opinions we hold about education. The issue lies in the fact that our experiences are outdated by decades.
The economy which our children will deal with is substantially different from the one with which we are familiar. The same goes for the geopolitical landscape. The industries which would become dominant in their careers may still not be invented yet, and the quality that helps achieve success in today’s world most of the time lies in being adaptable — which one cannot cultivate without leaving home.
“We tell our sons to be brave, to take risks, to step into the unknown. And then we plan their education in a way that minimises all three.”
This observation is not intended as an attack; rather, it is a point of view on the difficulty of preparing someone for a life that has not yet become clear. It is perhaps worthwhile to ask oneself, when conceiving of one’s son’s education, whether one is prioritizing his best interest or whether one is merely channeling their own experience.
What boys need that school often doesn’t give them
In recent times, there has been considerable research conducted on the factors that contribute to the growth of resilience, self-direction, and emotional intelligence in young men. Experience of challenges that they cannot circumvent and failure of their usual approaches, coupled indeed with the presence of genuinely different people around them, is the short answer to the question.
This is what studying abroad offers, while staying close to home does not. For instance, a nineteen-year-old young man who comes to an unknown city, establishes friendships with other cultures’ representatives, organizes his own schedule without constant support of his parents, and participates in learning sessions where he is not the smartest person there, educates himself in essence the whole time. Throughout this process, he has to accept the reality of going through the discomfort of becoming someone new that he was not before.
72%
Of students who study abroad describe it as transformative — not just educational
84%
Report improved problem-solving skills after an extended period studying abroad
2×
More likely to develop cross-cultural communication skills that employers now rank as critical
Such outcomings are not so soft. The job market is favouring the idea of international experience, language proficiency and cross-cultural competence being the factors determining success. However, apart from the professional calculations – also important – there is something more essential to the matter. Young men experiencing real difficulties in grappling with the new environment are likely to return as individuals in the way those who have never left the familiar would not.
The best universities in Europe: what they offer that we don’t talk about
When discussing elite higher education options, fathers across America immediately think of the Ivy League, and for good reason. These institutions are clearly remarkable institutions. However, evidence is mounting that the best universities in Europe offer something fundamentally different and in some case superior in terms of the type of journey we are talking about.
The best universities in Europe — such as Oxford, Cambridge, Sciences Po, ETH Zurich, LSE, the University of Amsterdam — managed to create an impressive combination of academic rigor coupled with genuinely international student body, which very few American universities can tout. A young man attending a tutorial at Oxford for example finds himself sitting among students from twenty different countries while learning through a pedagogical technique that requires him to justify his own thoughts each week talking to an expert of world level, without any grade inflation or comfort of anonymity typical of a lecture hall with five hundred people.
This is no easy experience. It is an experience that leaves quite an impact.
The father’s role in all of this
When discussing elite higher education options, fathers across America immediately think of the Ivy League, and for good reason. These institutions are clearly remarkable institutions. However, evidence is mounting that the best universities in Europe offer something fundamentally different and in some case superior in terms of the type of journey we are talking about.
The best universities in Europe — such as Oxford, Cambridge, Sciences Po, ETH Zurich, LSE, the University of Amsterdam — managed to create an impressive combination of academic rigor coupled with genuinely international student body, which very few American universities can tout. A young man attending a tutorial at Oxford for example finds himself sitting among students from twenty different countries while learning through a pedagogical technique that requires him to justify his own thoughts each week talking to an expert of world level, without any grade inflation or comfort of anonymity typical of a lecture hall with five hundred people.
This is no easy experience. It is an experience that leaves quite an impact.
1. Initiate communication in advance, and be straightforward about everything. Inquire as to what your child desires instead of imposing your thoughts on him. The students who experience success while pursuing their studies abroad are the ones that made the decision, rather than simply the ones who had that decision made for them.
2. The research must be conducted thoroughly. European universities have very different application processes than the United States — for example, they have earlier application deadlines, essays of a different format, and even entrance exams. Hence, this is something that cannot be forthcoming in the last moment.
3. Discuss money openly. A number of European colleges cost notably less than private schools in the United States. Many grant financial assistance based on the financial requirements of students coming from abroad. However, there are students’ parents who tend to think of costs more difficult than they actually are — given that discussion is conducted openly.
4. Take a look at your own resistance. If you are coming up with reasons as to why studying abroad is a bad idea — the distance, inconvenience, and uncertainty — you should ask yourself whether these are valid reasons.
5. Orient him toward challenges rather than merely opportunities. One of the biggest favors you could do for a son who is studying abroad is to help him realize that struggle is not a problem to be solved but is at the heart of the process.
The question I’m still sitting with
I cannot tell you that there is a right answer to this question and I doubt I ever will. Parenting is not something one can be sure about, and the decisions that are made concerning children’s education will always be, in a way, based on faith: faith in them, faith in the institutions in which we place our trust to educate them, and faith that the world, which they will live in, will recognize the values we tried to pass on to them.
At the same time, I do think that it is worthwhile to ask the question. Not just once and not just during a brief conversation about the state of schools, but repeatedly, several times throughout one’s life in the years when one can still influence the decision the most.
Are we raising boys who will be ready for the world or just for our world?
The difference between these two questions may be the most important thing that fathers should think about while making the decision on the nature of their children’s education either abroad or at home.
Worth knowing
When deciding to study abroad, a prestigious Ivy League college isn’t necessary. Whether it is at a community college, a gap year programme or an exchange programme, one can be assured of having the same experience of going through something different. What is important is the readiness to take the chance and move.
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