Bruce was the dad to boys, and then along came his little daughter. She made him reassess his standards. He discovered there were three things he wants to be for her.
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I had only ever been a father to boys. I love my 3 boys. They have completely, different personalities. But even with their wide range in age and personalities; there are many similarities in how you parent them. With twelve years between my oldest and youngest sons, I have learned a lot about how to parent boys. However, in November of 2014 things changed. My wife gave birth to a baby girl.
My little girl. She showed up the day before Thanksgiving. She pushed this parenting commitment to a different plane. As much as I feel the need to protect my sons, as each has moved closer to manhood, there is an increasing degree of release as I ask them to implement what I have taught them. However, with my daughter, I cannot see that being the case. I believe I will always hold this intrinsic desire to protect her. And not to shelter her from the world, but legitimately protect her from those that would seek to take advantage of and hurt her. Even into adulthood. Call it archaic, but this is how I feel.
I have spent a lot of time thinking on the differences of being a father to a daughter. I recently discussed this with a friend who is writing a book. His book will be a collective of lessons from fathers. Each will share a particular piece of wisdom they have gleaned from years of fathering daughters. This book is sure to prompt productive conversation. We discussed the different roles we need to fill, for the sake of our daughters. As we talked, it became clear there are at least three roles that our daughters need us to fulfill, for their future and well-being.
Your daughter needs her dad to be…
A husband to your wife
It is as important to your daughter, as it is to your wife, that you are a good husband. We need to be serving our wife, placing her needs above ours, and making sure she feels loved and protected. Our daughters will expect from their husbands what they recall from their fathers. The husband that you are to your wife, will be the husband that your daughter desires.
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Inevitably, whether we like it or not, our daughters are going to interact with lots of men. Most of them will not fall into the husband category. Because of this, we need them to know how other men, who are not their husband or family, should treat them. It will be important for our daughters to know how to develop and maintain healthy and safe boundaries with men. We want our daughters to have an expectation for the way men should talk to and about them. We want them to expect men to view them as strong and valuable members of all of our social and professional spaces. Additionally, we need to model manhood, to other men, with the expectation that we are training them to interact with our daughters.
A daddy to her
This is different than being a father. There are memories that you, as her daddy, will share with her. No other man, not even her husband, will experience them. Tea parties, first snuggles, first kisses, first dances; those are yours to share and she needs this. Those moments will mold important aspects of her character and creativity. You will lay the initial blocks of trust and security. You will have a part in writing the scripts, in her imagination, that may one day blossom into a masterpiece. You will tend the garden of grace and forgiveness that she will one day surely need to harvest. You will be the gatekeeper to a home of joy, or one of hurt. She needs a daddy that will build a house of joy.
At the end of the day, whether you have sons or daughters, they need you to fill these roles. Sons will learn from us, how to treat all the women in their life, including their own daughters. Sons need a daddy too. The memories may be different, we trade tea parties for monster trucks, but in principle the lessons are the same. All of our children need us to fulfill these roles.
And to the father who struggles, or has even failed; it is still possible, but it is imperative, that you begin today. There are many available resources to help get you to that place, all you have to do is look for them. Perfection in a day is not expected; but showing up and working towards this goal is the best for both you and your daughter.
Our children need us to be, and deserve, better husbands, better role models and better daddies.
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I caution number one. When we talk about sacrificing for their mother we tread in dangerous ground, especially today where we men are little more then chattel in marriage (in the eyes of the law). There is a lot of room for “princess thought” here and by encouraging them to expect men to sacrifice for her we are, unconsciously, teaching that principle (see current dating pracitices where the man waits on the female, performs for her favor etc.). As fathers I can understand that, but we also need to demonstrate how a good man, a real man, a confident man… Read more »
Hey DJ, I disagree with you. What I’m talking about in number one, sacrifice, is not the same thing as “placating” or being a door mat. It’s something far better and healthier. If you are placating your spouse or you’re a door mat, there’s probably some deeper self-esteem and relational malfunction going on. I don’t think it is ever a husband’s responsibility to hold his wife accountable to making sure she sacrifices “when required.” Likewise, it’s never the responsibility of the husband to police his wife, or daughter for that matter, in order to make sure that they meet your… Read more »
I agree with all of the points. In my case I am a single mother and I had to choose that path because I couldn’t in good conscience allow my daughter to grow up watching how her father was treating me. However I work hard to make sure she has a good relationship with her father even though he was a horrible partner to me. I hope he will grow into the father she deserves one day, but until then I do what I can to help him along. I treat him with respect and speak to her often about… Read more »
Hi Lilith, I totally agree with you. Single parenting is probably one of the hardest jobs out there. Before my daughter was born, I was a single dad to my two older boys. It was a difficult time and I knew that there were things that they weren’t getting that they should have been getting from their mom. At the end of the day, in that time, the best thing we can do for our kids is be there for them and give what we have to give. Like you one of the most beneficial things I could offer my… Read more »
“I believe I will always hold this intrinsic desire to protect her. And not to shelter her from the world, but legitimately protect her from those that would seek to take advantage of and hurt her.” I found this comment interesting. I have a daughter and sons and I used to feel this way too but I keep reminding myself of the true dangers in this world and the facts of being a boy or a girl. Boys are four times more likely to kill themselves than girls. The despair that I see in boys in my work as a… Read more »
Hey JP, I’m talking about two different things here: caring for v. protecting. I don’t feel blase about my boys. On the contrary, I care about their well being and success. Releasing them doesn’t mean abandoning, it means acknowledging that I’m asking them to become men, knowing that as they “walk” farther into manhood, they will instinctively need less from me in the area of protection. But, that doesn’t mean they won’t need, or that I’ll withhold, my involvement in their life in the form of wisdom, caring and even affection. I spent 20 years in law enforcement and I’ve… Read more »
Daughters need fathers to keep them in check, provide discipline, and self esteem. What are the outcomes of single mother homes vs. homes with a father in terms of the daughters self esteem and teen age pregnancy?
Fathers make a difference.