Tor Constantino calls for an end to five phrases many of us heard as children and may use as parents, because these words damage our kids.
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Parenting is all at once the best, worst, most challenging, most rewarding, most frustrating, and most joyous job an adult can ever have.
However, as humans, we frequently respond to our kids based on the variances of circumstances, their actions or behaviors as well as our own state of being—physically, mentally, or emotionally.
Like it or not, our words as parents have impact—crippling or empowering—on our kids because the words we speak to our children today will ultimately become their internal talk track when they become adults in the future.
Inevitably, we as parents will say something that can hurt or damage our kids in some way, shape, or form.
Here are five common phrases that most of us heard growing up and sadly have repeated to our own kids—I know I have.
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“Because I Said So…”
Every parent has said this at least once. This is typically used in response to a child or teenager’s request to do something that the parent disagrees with.
It’s an illogical, non-reasoned response that’s most frequently shouted at children out of frustration. This domineering phrase reinforces the weakness of the child and a sense that their opinion doesn’t matter.
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“Do as I Say, Not as I Do…”
This is another popular phrase barked at children. The problem here is the gross hypocrisy it represents.
While there are obviously legal adult activities that parents don’t want their children engaging in (e.g. smoking, drinking alcohol, watching adult-rated movies … etc.) this phrase is used with much greater frequency on a wider range of issues.
Hypocrisy ultimately undermines trust—and that’s one of the most important things kids need is the ability to trust their parents.
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“Stay Inside the Lines …”
While this particular phrase is not likely to irreparably damage a child’s psyche, it can definitely hurt and impede their creativity and problem solving. I used to love coloring in coloring books as a kid and was admonished to stay inside the lines—but rarely did.
Now when I color with my own kids we have “crazy creativity contests” to see who can color their picture the wildest way possible. I like to think that this simple activity is helping my kids in a small, subtle way see beyond barriers and think outside the box.
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“It’s Like I’m Talking to a Brick Wall with You …”
This is perhaps the one that causes the most emotional pain in kids—I know it did in me.
The reason is that whenever my mom said it, I immediately thought of the phrase “Dumb as a brick”—so she was calling me a solid wall of dumbness at least that’s how I interpreted it. I didn’t think I was dumb, but I always thought she did when she said this to me.
If you’re a sensitive child those types of words can hurt especially when coming from a parent.
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“If you Don’t Stop Crying, I’ll Give You Something to Cry About …”
This is by far the most threatening, aggressive, and fear-invoking phrase of those listed here. Parents need to recognize that when our children are crying there’s a reason and it’s an acceptable form of expression.
This phrase misleads your child to believe that whatever is making them cry is not valid and their feelings don’t matter. Whether that’s intended or not, that’s the only way to interpret it for a young child.
Even if the child is out of control, throwing a drop-down-floor-screaming-kicking tantrum, parents can’t escalate the situation via threats and violence to their kids. Somebody has to be the grown-up and that doesn’t mean being the intimidating muscle.
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Growing up I heard each of these phrases by my parents—regrettably, I’ve repeated some of them to my own kids. I’m not a perfect parent, but I’m willing to learn to be a better parent.
Hopefully that will manifest as better parenting skills toward my children and less emotionally baggage they’ll unpack toward their own kids.
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BONUS: If you liked this article – check these other pieces by Tor Constantino:
The Best Piece of Man-to-Man Advice I Ever Got
Guys, Our Anger is Killing Us—Literally
6 Tips to Keep Your Next Fight With Her From Going Volcanic
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These are nothing really compared to the crippling things we actually here. These are the barbs of privilege. Tell a deeper truth next time so it’s not just another superficial listicle. 1. I wish you had never been born. 2. You trapped me. 3. You are a stupid dumbass. 4. You’ll never amount to anything. 5. You’re just like your mother, you commie.
Changing the way we speak to our kids will have a HUGE effect on the peace our world will see. Be kind. Thank you for sharing!
Because our Dad used most of the above at one time or another, I don’t think my siblings or I ever used any of them. Of corse we all did say, as one must: “Because I’m the Daddy/Mommy, that’s why.”
because I had quite a tough childhood, I deliberately make myself never say any of these EVER… so fantastic not to do list for everyone! I do however find myself saying things like “I’ve got no time to play with you” or “I have too much work to do, as always” and it always kills me because I want my son to know that HE is my number one priority. I feel like I just can’t show him that when I need to. For instance, yesterday I was doing some home improvements to the house we’ve just moved in to,… Read more »
Rob, I also have a 5 year old son, and a never ending list of things to do. I can completely relate to how you feel, but I’m starting to realize that things need to be done besides playing with our kids. I have told my son that he is old enough to start helping me with some things. Other than that, I just tell him now that I’m busy. It does break my heart a bit, but then I realize that he has received more father-son time in 5 years than I have in my life. Maybe we set… Read more »
I thought I was going to see “Man up” or something of that nature “There’s nothing to cry about.” Nothing get’s me more than hearing that. If the kid is crying, then there is something to cry about. For whatever reason. “Man up” just makes me cringe on so many levels. This is a good list. I agree with all, although I have said “because I said so.” I try to be a little less dictatorial and say “Because I asked you to and I’m your mom. I need you to do this for me now.” Of course, the “I’ll… Read more »
Gah, I don’t buy what you are selling on half of this. Sometimes because I said so is appropriate because there isn’t time to explain the intricacies about why a child can’t do something. There are a million reasons why it is appropriate and why it is not guaranteed to damage your child.
A child’s opinion isn’t always needed or relevant. You can still instill self esteem and critical reasoning skills while saying it.
One phrase i heard way too much growing up was “why can’t you be more like (insert older siblings name here)” or “Just buck up and deal with it” (often said when frustration was expressed regarding an insurmountable obstacle)
I have one child (1), so my experience is worth, what? 20% of most parents? But instead of #1 I would ask my child, Do you have a good reason to disagree with me on this?
That’s a great response Kitti – thanks for sharing it! Last time I checked, it only takes one child to earn the distinction of “Parent” 😉 Thanks again, for reading and commenting!
I have a few to add for you. “Why don’t you just grow up.”, “If you don’t like it here, why not just leave.”, “shut up.”, and my special favorite “I made you kid, and I can in-make you too!”
Not a lot of love or understanding in those words. I heard “shut up” a lot as well. The problem with verbal abuse is that its damage goes unseen while it eats away at your self esteem and sense of worth. Over on Facebook, a couple people were saying I had “an easy” childhood if that was the worst my parents said to me. But isn’t that the point of childhood to be innocent, carefree, fun and easy? Doesn’t every child deserve that? I appreciate you sharing your thoughts here.
“Wait until your father gets home”
“wait until your father hears abou this”
…oh wait. only men are bad parents, i forgot.
I have to add the “I wish I never had kids…” phrase. I grew up hearing all of the above and try so hard to not say any of these to my daughter. I think I am doing okay on that front, but some of these phrases still bang around in my brain and it take a great deal to not let them slip out. The worst thing for me is that these are phrases from habit/history, not at all how I feel. Ingrained, reflexive, terrible.
Casey, thanks so much for sharing your heart – those are tough words to grow up hearing. I think you’re spot on regarding the habitual nature of words and our need to “kick that habit” for the sake of our own kiddos. Thanks again!
I hear you Drew – I’m as guilty as the next dad. It’s tough to undo some of that childhood programming.
“You’re just like your mother/father”.
You would hope that would be a compliment, but it’s usually not – am I right? Thanks for commenting Andrew!
Number 1 is the only one I’ve ever used, yes, out of frustration.
On those occasions, an illogical, non-reasoned response is the only response I’m able to form to illogical, non-reasoned arguments against reasoned, logical responses.