Shanna Anderson has a few things her husband needs to know and they can help any blended family.
—
I struggle when talking about the past in combination with the present, because they’re very much two separate lives.
In my first life I was married. He passed away when our children were 9, 6, and 1-month-old. I don’t refer to him as my “ex” because we weren’t separated or divorced. He was simply my husband.
In this life I’m married. Our children are OUR children (and there’s many). I don’t refer to him as my second husband, because that implies he’s second choice – and he’s not. He’s my husband.
It’s occurred to me that if it makes me twinge when people ask, “So, he’s your second husband?” it probably bothers him, though he’s silent about it, and we’re certainly not the only couple who are sharing this life together but have a past life, and there’s a few things this life’s husbands should know.
You’re our choice – not second – you’re our first choice, for the rest of our life.
We chose you to spend our life with. We can’t erase our past, nor can we erase our previous relationships. In most cases, we wouldn’t want to and you shouldn’t want us to. If we hadn’t gone through what we had, we wouldn’t be the person you love today. If we hadn’t walked the path we took, our lives may have never intersected. But that doesn’t mean that you’re not our first choice, it just happens to be the chronological order chosen by life, or fate, or God. Whatever force was at work, I trust they knew what they were doing because we’re different people than we were in our past life – and we might not have been this compatible prior. Obviously they DID know what they were doing – they did, after all, bring us together.
If there are children involved and we don’t always agree, it’s because we both have opinions. PERIOD.
It has nothing to do with you having less say because they aren’t biologically yours. It has nothing to do with us treating your child different because they aren’t biologically ours. No two people will always agree on everything, and that includes raising children.
We both love ALL of the kids the same (okay, whichever one is sleeping, we love the most)…
|
Chances are, our upbringings were very different so our ideas of things might be a bit at odds. Let’s not get defensive, and let’s not disagree in front of the kids – we need to present a united front if we’re going to survive the monsters! – let’s listen to each other’s point of view, keep an open mind, and meet somewhere in the middle. We both love ALL of the kids the same (okay, whichever one is sleeping, we love the most) – if we both were responsible for their conception – surprise! we’d still not always agree.
Life was NOT easier or better before you.
When things are hard, don’t you dare think, “She was better off before.” We were not. YOU are the single best thing to happen to us and no matter what happens, no matter what we face, it’s bearable because we have you by our side. When we’re with the friends whose friendships have survived the transition into this life, and we’re laughing or reminiscing, it’s not because we miss those times and want to relive them. People remember – sometimes fondly, sometimes in amazement that they survived – but always with a grateful heart that we are, where we are today. We may be thankful for the people we had time with in the past, but we wouldn’t trade this time with you for them, or for the world.
Because we moved on once, doesn’t mean you’re replaceable.
You are our everything, you are our future.
In our past life, we were younger and we couldn’t imagine a future without the people in it, because we couldn’t begin to grasp what the future could hold. At this stage in our life we’ve envisioned it all. We see you next to us as we watch our children leave for homecoming and prom. We feel you holding our hand as our “babies” graduate from high school, and are packing their car to leave for college. We see (finally!) having time alone with you – drinking morning coffee while quietly reading the news; eating peaceful dinners, while slightly missing the bickering of children; sitting on a porch swing, watching the sunset, and just enjoying being TOGETHER. We imagine you, holding our grandchildren, and admiring what great adults our children turned out to be knowing that we had an equal part in that. We take comfort in knowing that when we’re older and fragile, you’ll be there to hold us.
There was a life before you and there were others in that life who we loved; but, YOU are our present and our future. We wouldn’t want it any other way.
Photo Credit: AD Vedder/flickr