Why this Total Parent Fail?
My eldest son has some aversion to putting on his shoes by himself. He stresses over slipping his foot in, pulling the Velcro strap over, adjusting the fit. It’s all a major drama, and I sometimes resort to bribes—a coin or a piece of candy.
The other afternoon, I had arrived home from work and riled my sons up by telling them we were going to go for a bike ride right away, to get their shoes on. Naturally, the trouble unfolded. I got stern with him. I haphazardly set his shoes out and offered no assistance. His anxiety increased, as did my anger. Before long, he was bawling for Mommy. I hauled him into the garage to show him that we were ready to leave, asking him “What is wrong with you?” only to have him start a coughing fit that ended with him vomiting his afternoon snack and juice.
What went wrong here? Why this Total Parent Fail?
I had reverted from father to bully. I had belittled my son in mere moments, crushing his little ego. He’s a sensitive guy, and I know this. I’m just like him. I’m emotional and can be reliant at times.
If I know this, why do I sometimes fall back on this dangerous pattern? Because somewhere along the way I shed the empathy for my once-bullied self. As a child, I was bullied for about four years by a neighborhood school friend. One time in fifth grade, Lou had corned me psychologically so bad, I feigned a stomach ache and had to go home from school for the day.
What did I learn from that episode with my son? To always help him with his shoes, from now on. I’ll never put him in a spot where I make him feel inferior when he’s asking for help. It’s just not worth it. What is worth it, is protecting his delicate soul for as long as I can. If he’s a sensitive man like me, the world will be all the better when there’s a grownup helping other children put on their shoes.
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Photo by Francisco Gonzalez on Unsplash