My father gave me fear, my friends gave my faith—how one vital thing I’ve learned has turned me towards being a dad.
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It was a Tuesday.
I remember because it was raining and I had just gotten off of work. For August, it was a chilly night. The rain fell like little hot irons from the sky pattering my goose pimpled skin. I had ahead of me a forty-five minute drive back to campus down interstate ninety. I normally loved the drive, but at 9:00PM when it’s dark and down pouring, all I want is to be in bed.
And what was I doing? Working. Going to school. Trying to dig myself out of debt. How could he afford to have a kid? I can barely afford my third car and my school loans!
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I tore ass across the parking lot, trying to stay as dry as possible (even though Mythbusters proved that running in the rain gets you wetter than walking). Soaked to the bone, I remember getting in my car and getting a text immediately after. It was from one of my oldest and closest friends and reading it, I couldn’t believe my eyes.
This was the friend I’d gone to high school with. The friend I’d worked a couple jobs with. Learned piano in college with. Biked all over Western MA with, stayed up all night with, partied with— and he…
He was going to be a dad.
And what was I doing? Working. Going to school. Trying to dig myself out of debt. How could he afford to have a kid? I can barely afford my third car and my school loans!
I was proud of my best friend, but something happened to me that day. After reading his words and driving that silent almost-hour back to school. I came to one of the most important conclusions of my life:
I too wanted to be a dad.
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Some of you may be thinking.
Woopie. You want to do what we are all here to do. Congratulations for taking twenty plus years to figure it out.
But the truth is, I hadn’t always wanted to be a father. In fact, growing up with my dad made me never want to be a father.
I mean, beyond the fact that my dad paid little to no attention to me, he also drank like a hummingbird. After he split his friend’s car in half and ended up with an OUI, he only managed to keep his job because he rode into work with his friends.
I couldn’t bear the thought of becoming anything like my father. I couldn’t imagine my addictive personality coupling with my depression and turning me into a drunk because I’m too much of a coward to face my life…
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He did though, at the very least, worked for my family. But of his paycheck; half went to beer and cigarettes for he and my mother, and the other half went to food for them. Our heater constantly broke. My walls were filled with black mold, because we lived in a trailer with poorly insulated paneled walls. And alcohol— it makes people violent. At least it made my parents violent.
(There are too many stories about things that should never happen to kids for me to even begin to tell, so I’ll just say that I spent as little time at home as possible.)
So. I didn’t want to be a father. I was plagued with the same depression and anxiety that took my grandfather’s life, my cousin’s life, and almost took mine. I couldn’t bear the thought of becoming anything like my father. I couldn’t imagine my addictive personality coupling with my depression and turning me into a drunk because I’m too much of a coward to face my life, my problems, and my weakness, and do something about them. I couldn’t bare the thought of my son or daughter seeing me like I see my dad. Wishing they had known what a family was like. Wanting one just to see what it is.
I didn’t want to bring a child into this world, only to make them grow up like me, hating themselves for almost twenty years, and then living with the crippling after effects a childhood like this bestows upon you.
But that night, hearing that my best friend, who was so ill prepared to become a father, had become a father, that night changed me. I realized:
When had I ever been angry? Or cruel? When had I ever exhibited the same behavior as my father? When had I ever taken my issues out on children? My entire life, I have been a beacon for kids. Perhaps because I want only what’s best for them all, because children deserve every opportunity to succeed, and perhaps they can sense that love and safety from me. Maybe because I was treated so poorly as a child that I now want to make up for it by being a wonderful dad. And maybe it’s both.
The trauma of my youth, though I had feared it would make me weaker, empowered me. It’s a ‘house burns down, become a firefighter’ story. My father flunked so hard at being a father, that I want to make up for it, and not just make up for it — but be the best dad in the world. And I know I could be.
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For the past several years I have been ready to be a father–– my other hopes and dreams battling this desire for the top spot in my list.. Now I have knocked several others off my list: finding the woman I want to marry, and discerning how I want to spend the rest of my life— opening the door to this ultimate desire.
At one point or another, all men decide if they are going to be a father or not. The real battle comes, when you start to feel like maybe you want the opposite.
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Lately, I have been changing the way I live, from an ‘irresponsible’ child to what I imagine an ‘adult’ lives like. I have stopped staying up late playing games. I have stopped waking up ten minutes before I leave for work. I have started exercising weekly and eating healthy. I read. I write. I adventure. I spend time with the woman I love.
I am slowly changing myself into the man that will be able to support a family, because deep down inside, that is what I want. And the only thing I needed to realize that, was a close friend becoming a father.
At one point or another, all men decide if they are going to be a father or not. The real battle comes, when you start to feel like maybe what you wanted all along, is not actually what you want. How many of you have been through this— Not wanted kids, and then decided that you did; or wanted kids and then decided that you didn’t? Share some of your stories!
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Photo: Flickr/ kwanie
Time for you to start dealing with your issues. No parents are perfect and other children have grown up in worse conditions and have become professional football players, singers and much more. It’s up to you to change your life.. Blaming others for your current situation only makes you look bad. People eventually grow up and you should too!
As I spend more time around children, I feel like I want to be a father less and less. Particularly over the last three years, as a cousin has had two children back to back and my mom became a godmother. The desire to avoid passing on the gene for the chronic illness I deal with is a factor; let alone knowingly bringing into the world a child afflicted by it. I can’t look after a young child on my own, because I could become indisposed without warning – the burden on the other parent would be tremendous. But aside… Read more »