Dustin Fisher, COO of MabelCorp, gets his first performance review as stay-at-home dad. The results are not good.
MabelCorp: Yearly Performance Review
Employee NameDustin Fisher | Job TitleChief Operating Officer, MabelCorp |
Reviewer NameMabel Fisher, C.E.O. MabelCorp | Performance Evaluation PeriodJune 21, 2012 to June 20, 2013 |
Goal Tracking
Choose a Goal | Do everything I can to protect Mabel from injury and illness |
6/21/2012 |
New |
EmployerComments: | Dustin’s passive-aggressive approach to baby-proofing the house has led to me falling off the mattress, getting hit in the head with the TV remote, climbing the stairs twice without his knowledge, and one trip to the ER after a violent “tumble” down the stairs. This has thankfully led to him pleading with the C.F.O. for more finances to baby-proof the house. He has shown improvement late in the review period, but his lack of attention to detail in this matter is of serious concern. |
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Ongoing-Unacceptable |
EmployeeComments: | N/A |
6/24/2013 |
Ongoing-Unacceptable |
Final Result |
Ongoing-Unacceptable |
Choose a Goal | Exercise at least twice a week |
6/21/2012 |
New |
EmployerComments: | The purchase of a jogging stroller has improved Dustin’s ability to exercise during the week, though his workout regimen seems to primarily consist of jogging to and walking back from Carvel, half a mile down the road. Also, the jogging stroller cost as much as all of the equipment he used to baby-proof the house, which brings into question his financial decision-making. |
6/21/2013 |
Ongoing-Acceptable |
EmployeeComments: | I have a bum knee that at times prevents me from running for certain lengths of time. Also, pushing a stroller while constantly putting Mabel’s hat back on and picking up the pacifiers and other random toys she throws overboard during my run is not conducive to long jogs. |
6/24/2013 |
Ongoing-Acceptable |
Final Result |
Ongoing-Acceptable |
Choose a Goal | Bathe Mabel at least twice a week |
6/21/2012 |
New |
EmployerComments: | I have gone at least three weeks between baths on several occasions. It took Dustin and Jennifer (the C.F.O.) over three weeks from the date of my birth and an embarrassingly disturbing stench coming from somewhere to realize they had never unclenched my fist during bath time. |
6/21/2013 |
Ongoing-Unacceptable |
EmployeeComments: | I read an article that said Aveeno and Johnson & Johnson use harmful chemicals. It seems safer to not bathe her as much. |
6/24/2013 |
Ongoing-Acceptable |
Final Result |
Needs Improvement |
Choose a Goal | Go through Mabel’s clothes twice a month to weed out things that don’t fit and make sure she doesn’t grow out of any clothing before getting to wear it |
6/21/2012 |
New |
EmployerComments: | While I am regularly adorned in cute well-fitting onesies with clever sayings on them during the day, my sleepers typically ride down around my shoulders, showing off my neck like I’m at a dinner party or a vampire club. |
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Ongoing-Unacceptable |
EmployeeComments: | Babies grow fast and Babies R’ Us doesn’t seem to sell too much in the way of sleepers past 9 months old. Will consult the internet in the next evaluation period. |
6/24/2013 |
Ongoing-Acceptable |
Final Result |
Needs Improvement |
Choose a Goal | Come up with activities for Mabel and I to do and make a weekly schedule |
6/21/2012 |
New |
EmployerComments: | I have seen a calendar with things written on it, but I cannot account for any activity from it which we attend regularly or even sporadically. |
6/21/2013 |
Ongoing-Unacceptable |
EmployeeComments: | I was unaware of exactly how many naps Mabel would be taking during the day. By the time I have made Mabel her food, strapped her into the high chair, fed her, cleaned her, changed her and managed to find an outfit that matches color, pattern and animal type, I usually only have 45 minutes until her next scheduled nap time. Once she consolidates her naps, we will be able to venture into the world more often. |
6/24/2013 |
Ongoing-Acceptable |
Final Result |
Ongoing-Modified |
Choose a Goal | Come up with a daily schedule for Mabel’s sleep, nap, eating and activity time |
6/21/2012 |
New |
EmployerComments: | This, however, has been dictated with almost military precision. There has not been a minute I have slept since January that has not been accounted for in an Excel document. The reason for having such a chart seems a poor use of Mr. Fisher’s time. |
6/21/2013 |
Ongoing-Acceptable |
EmployeeComments: | I have decided to focus all my energy on her nap schedule so that I would at least have done something correct this year. |
6/24/2013 |
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Final Result |
Ongoing-Acceptable |
Choose a Goal | Schedule at least two play dates a month |
6/21/2012 |
New |
EmployerComments: | I’m reasonably sure that by every definition of the term “play date,” Mr. Fisher has failed. I can recall only two such play dates, and one was with a baby who was asleep in his stroller the entire two hours. |
6/21/2013 |
Ongoing-Unacceptable |
EmployeeComments: | Play dates are hard to schedule. I had assumed I would have met more stay-at-home parents by now. Apparently, you don’t just go to the library and pick up parents like that. Or at least I don’t. It’s difficult to walk into a room of all women and ask to go over to their house without sounding creepy. |
6/24/2013 |
Ongoing-Modified |
Final Result |
Ongoing-Unacceptable |
Year-End Goal Summary |
While termination is not recommended at this time, Mr. Fisher’s skill set seems more suitable for a mail room technician. The board recommends reposting the position of C.O.O. and expanding the language of the search parameters to read “Graduate degree PREFERRED” and to include candidates who did not specifically give birth to Mabel. |
Employee Comments |
While I agree that some of these goals have not been met, it is because it turns out that parenting is hard. I have limited the exposure of Mabel to television (after football season, and excluding the NCAA basketball tournament), and fed her at least three times every day. And sometimes I just feel like I deserve some ice cream. |
Performance Rating |
1 – Unsatisfactory Performance |
Signatures
Employee*: ___________________ Title: _________________ Date: ________Supervisor: ___________________ Title: _________________ Date: ________
Div/Dept Head: ________________ Title: _________________ Date: ________ * Signature acknowledges that the performance review has been discussed with me. |
—first appeared at Daddy Needs a Nap
—photo by Feeling My Age/Flickr
Love it!
Thanks! My mom thought it was a little harsh.
🙂
😉