Jed Diamond explores the dynamic of some dads who abandon their families because they feel abandoned themselves.
We were ecstatic. Our first child had recently been born and my wife and I were on top of the world. I took two weeks off from work so that I could bond with him and get to know this new arrival into our lives. We’d both wanted kids and talked about having a child, then adopting a child. We were well on the way to having the life we had always dreamed about having. But a dark presence took hold of us during the first year after our son’s birth that eventually destroyed our marriage. It seemed that my wife and son became a unit and I didn’t feel I had a place. In the weeks and months following the birth of our son, my wife and I drifted farther and farther apart. Without even realizing what was happening I became a disappearing Dad.
Male Postpartum Abandonment Syndrome (MPAS) and the Disappearing Dad
In her recently published book, Why Dads Leave: Insights & Resources for When Partners Become Parents, Meryn Callander describes the underlying process that drives this epidemic of disappearing Dads that is destroying so many families. The causes of this epidemic are often hidden, but Callander has uncovered the truth of what is going on. She describes six stages in the development of the Disappearing Dad Dynamic:
Stage 1: Disruption in the Mother-Infant Bond.
“A secure mother-infant bond, fundamental to all mammalian species,” says Callander, “is the foundation on which all future relationships are built.” But most of us grow up in families where these critical bonding experiences were absent:
* Un-medicated, intervention free, birth.
* Near-constant skin-to-skin contact between mother and child.
* Shared sleeping arrangement with infant close to mother and father.
* Recognition that babies are social beings who need connection with mother, father, siblings, and others.
Stage 2: Boys Grow Up Looking for the Mommy Connection They Never Had.
Most of us didn’t get enough love and nurture from our mothers who were influenced by a culture that taught the importance of “independence” and “self-sufficiency.” We also didn’t get enough from our fathers who often followed the patterns they grew up with and became emotionally absent early in our lives.
When we find “Ms. Right” we’re hoping, usually unconsciously, that she’ll nurture and love us like our Moms and Dads never did. If we’re lucky, we find someone to fit that bill and the early years of our married life are safe and satisfying.
Stage 3: The Baby Arrives and Dad Loses the Mommy Love He Has Spent a Life-Time Trying to Capture.
“Suddenly the baby takes center stage,” writes Callander, “needing far more time and energy than a single human being can provide. The result is that the poorly connected father once again feels left out in the cold.” Dad usually feels shame over the resurfacing of his long-buried needs. In his attempt to block out the feelings of loss and his shame over feeling competitive with his innocent newborn, he often withdraws into work, alcohol, internet pornography, or some other escape the seems to salve his wounded heart.
Stage 4: Mom Heals Some of Her Childhood Loss Through Loving Connection with Her Child.
Callander describes the positive changes that the mother often experiences. “Meanwhile his partner may be simultaneously healing her own similar unmet needs, by being bathed in a cocktail of love hormones from her physical connection of carrying the baby in her womb and breastfeeding—which no man can ever experience.”
She feels so wonderful being with the child that her husband’s irritability, anger, sadness, and withdrawal serve to make her distance herself even more from him and connect ever more closely with her child.
Stage 5: The More Successful the Mothering, the More the Dad Pulls Away.
Both mother and father do everything they can to help Mom make and maintain a good connection with the baby. But for Dad the more successful the connection, the greater loss he feels. Not only does he feel the loss of the love and affection his wife had previously given to him, but it stirs up feelings from the loss he felt growing up without enough love from his mother and father. And since these feelings are generally unconscious, he becomes more and more depressed, irritable, resentful, and withdrawn.
Stage 6: The More Dad Pulls Away, the More Mom Turns Her Attention to the Child and More Rejected Dad Feels….Until He Feels His Only Option is to Leave.
Callander calls the end result of these stages, Male Postpartum Abandonment Syndrome (MPAS). “MPAS is now in play, with neither partner understanding the origins, and both likely overwhelmed by the transition to parenthood. A common coping mechanism for him is to leave, either physically or emotionally.”
“While women are more likely to take the first step towards formal dissolution of the relationship,” says Callander, “it is usually the man’s earlier dissatisfaction—typically manifesting in emotional or physical absence more than her own, which predicts her taking that step.”
Only by understanding these, often hidden, stages of men’s withdrawal can we reverse the epidemic of the disappearing Dad. Learn more by visiting: http://whydadsleave.com/
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photo of sad man looking out window by Shutterstock.com
Why cant dad join the initial nuturing of the baby that way they all can bond as a family and satisfy everybody’s emotional needs? Why blame mom here?
Well the exact thing happened to me above. Unfortunately it took 5 years post the birth of my twins to realise very, very sad. I just wish I had this information at my finger tips but then I wonder if I would have been ready. I have learnt that men are little prepared when they enter adult live or I certainly was.
I experienced this first hand with the father of my 1 year old daughter. While i was breastfeeding and bonding with our child and trying to create the family we both wanted my partner detached. In the first and hardest year of being new parents my partner started a relationship with a co-worker, deceloped a heavy drinking problem, was never home and became emotionally abusive. I was struggling so much trying to understand why he was hurting our little family. Fonally when my daughter was 10 months he decided to tear apart the family. My daughter and i moved in… Read more »
Not knowing what your culture is like, but did you have any inklings in the pre-marriage stage that he was not the best bet?
I have read other post and solutions, such as using a Zippy (sleeping suit, swaddle blankets, etc) in a crib, to allow babies to actually sleep in the crib. What are your thoughts on co-sleeping with a child and both parents?
I think this is an excellent article. I’d never thought about men seeking the nurturing they didn’t get from their own mother via their marriages. Makes sense. Couple this with patriarchal society that shames men for expressing vulnerability and emphasizes sex as the sole means of bonding, and you have a recipe for abandonment. It’s vitally important for create an environment in which couples can become aware of their unmet needs and learn how to address them in a mature way.
This is unbelievable. So in short, you’re blaming the mother for Dad up and leaving for the easy life?
It’s an accountability-free world.
Sigh.
I’m not sure you read the article … seems the author was talking about emotional needs on both sides. Surely in the case of Maria above, for instance, it seems the husband’s issues went beyond needs. But I do think we as women need to open our eyes, not accept all the psychobabble and perhaps return to our traditional roots in which we support men and try to prepare them for their place in the world.
Its unfortunate that the initial comments closed the door on this issue. I read the piece and wanted to comment. After reading the opening comments I felt there was little point, it seems that vitriol towards fathers has more traction. I thought I’d highlight some personal experience. After the choice to parent my partner miscarried more than once. Painful, as a man powerless, but not to keep trying. Complications of a fibroid I eventually named Phylis the fibroid. Saturday morning on the bathroom floor crying because of blood only to find out later that the baby is still there. Happy… Read more »
Huh? Precisely what point are you trying to make?
Of course I cannot respond for Keith and the point that he wanted to make, but I greatly admire his courage, and respect both his willingness to be so vulnerable and his taking the time to articulate his experience. I wanted to say then and there when I first read his comment, and I didn’t at the time, how deeply touched I was by the authenticity and depth of his sharing. Oh, the anguish, I know it well. As author of Why Dads Leave: Insights and Resources for When Partners Become Parents, I have heard variations on this so many… Read more »
Keith, Thanks for sharing the truth of your experience. So often men are asked to “tell me how you feel. I want to know what’s going on inside you.” But when they do, they are shamed and blamed and sometimes battered emotionally or physically. Let’s face it, it isn’t easy being a good husband (or wife). I’ve been married three times (and just now learning how to get it right with wife #3). Its also not easy being a parent and step parent. I had 2 children from my first marriage and my wife (also married twice before) had three… Read more »
I feel for you. I just experienced your life based off your reply. Hope all is okay. It’s unfortunate things happen the way we donn’t intend them to. You did your best and unfortunately you were critiqued for your attempts to make your spouse happy.
As the author of Why Dads Leave, I appreciate your taking the time to participate in the controversy raised by Jed’s article—and certainly by the book itself. While I am unable to respond fully, here, to the very legitimate issues and questions raised, perhaps the following will clarify a few things. “Why Men Leave” is an exploration of the many dynamics—personal, interpersonal, social and cultural–underlying why so many well-intentioned and committed fathers subsequently leave their partners and children—physically AND/OR emotionally—in the early years after the birth of a child. Most of us are unprepared—before a baby arrives—for the changes in… Read more »
Not to jump on the bashing bandwagon, because I do think the author shares a valid point that some (many?) men may experience, but I have to point out that there are probably a lot more widespread reasons why dads leave (or, “couples break up,” to avoid blame): 1. The man didn’t want the baby in the first place, but may have been coerced/guilt-tripped into it by the whole “abortion is murder” belief (either his or his partner’s). 2. He, like many, many others, doesn’t make enough money to really support a kid the way he thinks is best, so,… Read more »
Must have happened to you? You’re so angry and hateful.
“The causes of this epidemic are often hidden, but Callander has uncovered the truth of what is going on.”
Wow, a single researcher has discovered the ultimate truth behind the behaviour of the majority of human males in western society who leave their families after the birth of a child! She must be a real genius if she has single-handedly solved this mystery once and for all, nevermind the myriad of social and biological factors at play.
Seriously though, this is not journalism. This is an advertisement.
“Un-medicated, intervention free, birth” If women don’t go wanna go through extreme physical suffering it’s their fault if their kids do bad things when they grow up? Being self sufficient means emotionally neglecing your children? Being self sufficient means not being dependant on others; it doesn’t mean neglecting those who are dependant on you. This article is just a psudoscientific attempt to blame women for men’s transressions. Even if your mommy didn’t spend every single minute with you, you’re a grown man now and you know that abandoning your family is wrong. There is no excuse for doing something that… Read more »
The “intervention free birth” raised a huge red flag for me, too – and makes me wonder how much of the rest of the ‘process’ is speculative, evidence-free twaddle.
Ignorant. Brain wash. Close minded. I pitty you.
Natasha, This is not meant to excuse men who leave their families, its to shine light on a phenomenon that occurs too often. The more we understand why we do what we do, the better able we are to be the kind of men we want to be, for ourselves, our wives, and our children.
Natasha and Nick, The fact that the mother/child bond works best when mothers have as natural a birth process as possible, doesn’t suggest that women are wrong if they choose to take drugs or need other kinds of intervention. Everyone has to make their own choices about the kind of birth that is right for them and their baby. And everyone makes the best choice, given what they know.
Do you have any evidence for your assertion that “the mother/child bond works best when mothers have as natural a birth process as possible”? Because when you’re suggesting something that results in a great deal of pain at a minimum, and a risk of injury or death at worst, you had better have some damn good evidence to show for it.
To the best of my knowledge, there’s nothing showing any correlation between the degree of bonding between mother and baby and the use or otherwise of analgesics or other interventions during birth. But I’m quite prepared to be enlightened.
Life and death!!?? I ask you do you have any evidence that pain relievers decrease morbidity…. No you don’t. The matter is a question of extreme pain not morbidity in fact your more likely to miss a horrible problem if the mother can’t feel it. Although the point of benefit of abstaining is outside my reply (see above is the only thing I’m addressing) you could also stop being so lazy and look at the plethora or studies and evidence that demonstrates its long term advantages.
Then you’re misinformed. The snared euphoric state a mother and child have together after birth during natural drug free birth is higher than any natural level of chemical release found in humans under any circumstance,stance. The mother and child essentially are “high” on natural opiate like chemicals and that high facilitates a bonding experience that is otherwise non existent with birth coerced by doctors drugs. All births ought to have a doctor on call (within seconds away) for intervention in the case the mother or baby is in jeopardy, but human birth was not a medical procedure until we made… Read more »
how could they not be wrong if informed that disruptions to the natural process will certainly have net negative impact of the child’s natural ability to love, feel secure, bond, etc? The problem isn’t the medicine, the problem is the willingness to let others make the wrong choice. The hospital is the second leading cause of death in the world. You’re telling me the hospital is always making the right choice? You’re wrong.
That’s correct. Women today are too weak to give birth as women have been doing for millions of years. Modern moedicine and society has pacified women and men alike. Mentally, the human race is weaker than it has ever been and there are consequences. The natural bond between an infant and mother is essentially concentrated during the first few moments after birth. This is why so many mother are diagnosed with PPD – a diagnosis that has risen with the advent of modern medicine. Society’s enteral Y has it wrong today – birth is a natural part of life, not… Read more »
I wasn’t looking for a replacement for my mom when I met my wife. I was looking for a great partner, friend, lover, etc. And a great lover. Because I have a business partner and male friends and our marriages are ok with all those other relationships. But I’m not supposed to have any other lovers. But thwart a guy’s sex drive and tell him all the other parts are supposed to be enough. Suck it up, man up, etc…. That’s going to work sometimes and sometimes not. Some of us, maybe that’s our strongest drive. I’m certainly not advocating… Read more »
Maybe, You’re right. Often men’s needs are neglected when a woman and child need us. I don’t know about you, but I always was taught that other’s needs came first. So, I pushed my own needs down. I wish I had known more about why dad’s disappear and why mom’s often disconnect from their husbands when the first child is born. I don’t know that would have saved my marriage. But this kind of information would have helped, had I had the courage to seek it out and take heed of the warnings. And “mom taking meds at birth and… Read more »
As A famous rapper once say, “you don’t put out, I put you out.” The only woman who will complain on a thread like this is the one who forgot to show her husband love after the baby came… I mean where’s the incentive for her? The baby’s here, the Rock is on the finger, there’s a contract keeping you under the same roof. Shoot, even if you leave, she’s taken care of by the GOVT and child support, right? It’s all on us, though. It always will be – at least until we can break these Feminists who believe… Read more »
Im really not sure how I feel about this article. I understand how men can feel left out of the baby bonding time. Even the most successful mommys need time to regenerate. At these times, it is imperative the man assert his position as caregiver. Not only does this give bonding time with the father, but the wide gets a big of a break and is much less likely to talk baby talk to the husband after being baby-centric for extended period of time. That is just one idea, and there are dozens of others, but what that takes is… Read more »
Lynette, Your points are well taken. As you say the hardest step in getting help “is realizing something is wrong.” Too many men don’t recognize that we didn’t get enough love and support growing up and don’t recognize the loss until a baby is born. Just when you’re needed for support for Mom and child, you feel the loss overtaking you. Shame often increases and keeps a man from talking about his feelings. One of the purposes of the book was to get couples talking about these issues before the child is born so that both can recognize unmet needs… Read more »